“Mum, can we pleeeeaaasee slip some coconut nectar into the room temperature lemon water this time?” Moses begs, as his mother, Gwyneth Paltrow, watches over her assistant sorting through their collection of pitchers and dispensers. “Just grab one of the junkier ones,” she says, as her assistant nods and chooses the monogrammed Waterford dispenser gifted to them by, well, it would be rude to say. (Though, the tacky practice of namedropping would certainly befit such a tacky gift, she thinks.) “Good,” says Gwyneth, “And Moses, don’t you think you’ve had enough treats recently? My teeth are still ringing from the stevia we put in yesterday’s kale ginger shake.” “I guess you’re right,” says Moses, dejected. “Plus we’re going to have the almond butter cookies. They’ll have coconut nectar in them, right mum?” “Of course they’ll have coconut nectar in them,” Apple interrupts, “Mum always puts coconut nectar into the almond butter cookies.” Gwyneth smiles, knowing full well she never puts coconut nectar into the almond butter cookies, substituting it with spirulina powder and honeyed mist. “I made them exactly the same way I always make them.” Gwyneth doesn’t like to lie to her children, and she didn’t think this counted, necessarily — she didn’t say anything false, plus in busy mum language “I” universally translates to “one of my assistants.” Gwyneth notices that, although he’s trying to put on a brave face, Moses was still feeling a bit down about the room temperature lemon water. “Oh, Mose,” she sighs, “All right. Go fetch the coconut nectar.” “BRILLIANT!” Moses shouts, and sprints into action. Fin. (Full-size photo after the jump, via LindsayRobertson.)

Comments (49)
  1. So, what do we think Gwyneth considers “cookies”? Dehydrated quinoa squares? Beet slices?

  2. I don’t think Apple’s shirt is officially licensed, you guys.

  3. This is better parenting then I. Im trying to teach this 8 week old to watch tv.

  4. I can’t believe she won’t let her kids eat sugar, but she’ll let them run around on the street barefoot. YOU COULD STEP ON A NAIL, MOSES!!!!

  5. This is a real missed opportunity to start their own line of apple juice and, I guess, matzoh bread?

  6. You think the prices are actually reasonable, but then… enhance!

    They are charging $1 for a Dixie cup. #lemonadegate

  7. I’m thinking the kids came up with the prices. Gwyneth would try to sell the lemonade on Goop for $500 per bottle.

  8. Look at that wad of cash in Apple’s hand! When I had a lemonade stand, I was lucky to make $3, and that pretty much all came from my mom.

    • Her cup gwyneth over.

    • When I was in college, I needed a job, so I tried selling knives. My dad was the only person that bought anything from me.

      • My parents still have their set of Cutco knives they got as my brother’s demo set.

        • Yep, it was Cutco. They did have quality knives, but I was too embarrassed to try to sell them to anyone I knew and I have always been terrible at sales. Not sure why I ever thought it would be a good idea. They really knew how to rope the kids in.

          • The knives are alright, but the pyramid scheme setup is super wack. My brother was actually pretty successful at selling them (he even did a demo at a family reunion, which is hilarious in retrospect) but he went to go pick up his paycheck and the whole office had been gutted and had left no forwarding address. WHOOPS! Ya burnt, Big Brotherglue!

          • Whoa! That’s crazy.

            I remember going to a meeting at one of the offices, and it was ridiculous! It was at night, and there was a storm happening. A bunch of us sales kids were sitting in the room, and the lights went off. All of a sudden, “We Are the Champions” started playing while some bald guy walked to the front of the room. He was standing in front of the window and lighting was striking outside. It was a very odd scene. I assume that was supposed to motivate us, but nope.

            I’m also fairly certain I just left in the middle of that meeting, fed up with the nonsense. As I was backing out, I heard an awful scraping on my car. There was a pickup truck sort of blocking me in, and I didn’t see the hitch he had on the back. It was either go back to the meeting or continue backing out, and get more scratches on my car. I chose the scratches.

        • “Cutco knives last forever!”–Superglue

    • “I’m going to teach them the true value of money by having them make it arbitrarily selling anything they want because people will buy it since they are the children of a celebrity.” – Gwyneth Paltrow

  9. I still don’t understand why people consume coconut water. And I *am* that market.

    • Oh man I once got a free bottle of pumpkin spiced coconut water (which doesn’t even make sense, geographically) and it was one of the most disgusting things I’ve ever tasted. It took me like 2 weeks to give up on trying to finish the12oz bottle and just throw it out.

    • I love most coconut stuff (I might as well build a house made of coconut oil bricks at this point), but the one time I tasted coconut water I didn’t even spit it out, I just opened my mouth and let it spill all over me, because I needed it as far from my taste buds as quickly as possible.

      • I also am a very big fan of coconut oil as a daily moisturizer. I don’t even bother keeping it in the kitchen anymore, it just hangs out on my bedside table for when I wake up in the middle of the night with itchface. I’ve attributed my lack of wintertime scaliness to its magic. And it is NOT pumpkin spice flavored.

      • I hated it too when I first tried it, but I also was expecting something as delicious as the stuff from a fresh coconut. I’ve kind of taken a liking to it, but mostly when combined with fruit juice. It’s especially good with pineapple juice if you want a healthy pina colada type thing.

    • Guys the best way to drink cononut water is this way:

      on a sweltering day. You drink up all the delicious juice(?) and scrape off the yummy flesh with a spoon.

      It’s all over (most of) Asia and super cheap, though one time I did get pretty wicked food poisoning from in Thailand. They must have reused the shell ;) Now I always make sure they open up the coconut in front of me.

  10. HI LINDSAY!!!!!

  11. I read that whole thing thinking the other kids’ name was “Moss” until the very end.

  12. I’ve said it before and I will say it again…that poor girl is just one i away from being Apple Martini.

    • Or if she marries famed actor Max Martini. (You’d recognize him. He always plays a soldier. He’s very good at it.)

      • A little too much cradle robbing would be involved in that particular union, but yes, she should be on the lookout for any gents with the last name of Martini.

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