Whoops, Mariah Carey, this is your new music video:

I know that rich and/or famous people eventually enclose themselves in a disorienting bubble of “yes men,” echoing with reassurances that their grandiose senses of self-importance are reasonable and justified, that their every idea is fresh off the assembly line at the Genius Factory, this bubble floating along in a lukewarm stream of near-uninterrupted leisure. And I know that in the dark nights of the lonely soul, alienated from the very people whose adoration they now require in ever-increasing amounts just to feel normal, it can be difficult for even the very sane and the very rational multi-millionaire/celebrity to keep their wits about them. It is the price of their fame, the dangerous result of their success.

But this is ridiculous. Someone just tell her no when she gets like this. Surely her purse dog has a yoga instructor or someone like that she can trust.

“Hey, Mariah Carey, how about no.”

“Live every week like it’s No Week, Mariah Carey.”
–Dot Com

Comments (40)
  1. What astounds me even more than Mariah Carey as a man (just kidding, nothing could astound me more than that awesome goatee) is the sheer immensity of the ego that develops a project like this.

    • Yeah I find it pretty weird/telling that every one of her videos I’ve seen recently (which is limited to this one and the one with Kenneth the Page) involves a working-class type guy with fantasies about her. Interesting power dynamicz!

  2. Can anyone even get this song stuck in their head? It’s the most generic piece of crud ever!
    Hey Mariah, I really like that thing that you do with your voice, how you prolong your singing of vowels. It really makes what you’re singing more meaningful and expressive. Artiste of the year!

  3. This looks strikingly similar to a video for the Piebald song “Stalker” that some kids made in my TV class in high school, except the Maria Carey character was played by a sexually ambiguous 16-year-old guy in drag. So, you know, that one was a lot better.

  4. You know, I just realized something. Mariah Carey is supposed to be making this point that she is such a celebrity and people are obsessed with her, but in the video, she is totally walking down the street (carrying her own shopping bags, which doesn’t seem very like her!), and she is only being followed by one guy! I mean, it’s the middle of the day on a crowded street, you think for someone who has such a large ego/fanbase, more people would be following her! Just saying…

  5. What’s it even about? I don’t get it… Was he stalking her? If so, why was she letting him blow dry her… and why did he have to get hit by a car at the end? It reminds me of the ending of the new Matt and Kim video. Both inappropriate and poorly done

  6. why doesnt she notice that the stalker guy following her down the street is also holding the hairdryer at her photo shoot? HELLO!!! (kitty)

  7. pote  |   Posted on Jul 14th, 2009 +11

    it’d be really fun to do it with her.

  8. That blow dryer is stupid. The stalker has it so close to her face, it’s gonna be in every shot. And then her photo shoot will be RUINED.

  9. ModernMANdroid  |   Posted on Jul 14th, 2009 +9

    Is this post a call for the older, more artistically-viable Mariah Carey videos? Because I don’t remember any.

  10. yomomma  |   Posted on Jul 14th, 2009 +12

    1.Didn’t she get Jay-Z’s memo about autotune? It’s DOA, ho.

    2. Large budget photographers use powerful fans not hairdryers for the blowing hair look. Unless she was just getting her hair dried. In that case she needs to budget her time better.

    3. That song was a train wreck of boring proportions.

  11. More like NOpolean CompLESS.

  12. And that is the story of how Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon met.

  13. autotune = career toilet.

  14. Isn’t this something to do with some kind of “beef-war”, or whatever the kids are calling it, with Eminem? Whatever.
    I think Mariah Carey needs to be taken down a notch. Who’s with me?

  15. ampac  |   Posted on Jul 14th, 2009 +7

    the song is supposed to be an Eminem diss track, because he keeps mentioning her in songs and interviews saying they dated. i thought it was a cool concept but poorly executed. this was a hot mess, or tranny, or a tranny hot mess…. or which ever one of those means bad.

  16. boo  |   Posted on Jul 14th, 2009 +9

    I don’t really understand the point of her dressing up like a dude who is her supposed “stalker” rather than just hiring a guy, but I think it actually says a lot. She is clearly obsessed with herself.

  17. Why am i so obsessed with you?

    I don’t know, I was really into butterfly but since then the stalking has just become part of the routine y’know.

  18. Please tell me this isn’t the song she sang at Michael Jackson’s memorial service?

  19. If this is the Eminem “diss track”, why didn’t she hire Devon Sawa for the part? Is that thinking too in the box?

  20. Response “diss track” from Eminem leading to a long-winded statement from Mariah leading to a Today show interview with Eminem discussing Mariah’s statement in three…two…

  21. It seems like there have been a lot of posts lately that accentuate how much better things/people were when I was a kid (remember “Hero” or that silly video with Puff Daddy? Those were good). I could use a cheerful post, please.

  22. You Taste Like A Burger  |   Posted on Jul 14th, 2009 +4

    This is the strangest Empire of The Sun video yet…

  23. I realize that it’s such a cop-out to say something generic like “I’m too indie cool for this song!” But honestly, that song was so bad, I couldn’t even get past the first chorus in order to revel in the camp-explosion of the video. The 5% vocoder, 95% cooing and 0% melody… just too much. And I listen to fucking Kylie Minogue; I’m hardly a music connoisseur.

  24. Ms. New Jersey  |   Posted on Jul 15th, 2009 +3

    Did anyone else think that was that speed skater guy from the last olympics? Mariah Carey has actually sucessfully scammed me into thinking she was a guy – and an actual person to boot. I can only say wow, and be disappointed in myself.

  25. Dick!  |   Posted on Jul 15th, 2009 +7


  26. Boxer  |   Posted on Jul 15th, 2009 +4

    She looks like Chino Moreno from the Deftones and I just don’t know what to think about that.

    • Ms. New Jersey  |   Posted on Jul 15th, 2009 0

      Ahh, a younger, skinnier Chino – I used to find him rather attractive – has Mariah Carey made me bisexual by default now? I’m confused – and emotional.

      Someone write me a song

  27. I was waiting the whole time for Bedroom Angst Thug Mariah to bust out into a rap bridge. Disappointed.

    PS) Mariah Carey bedsheets!!!

  28. Haha, what’s with her reaction when he gets hit by the bus?
    “Ooh… oops!” That’s it. Mariah Carey is compassionate.

  29. That had a dumber ending than Glitter.

  30. Vulture just
    linked to this post
    and called this blog “Stereogum.” :(

    Also, Vulture commenters hate us ‘Gummers. And I quote,
    “I don’t know what’s annoying about her, but I’ll tell you what’s REALLY annoying is those damn Stereogum comments and the stupid pictures and sh*t that they slap all over that comment board. THANK GOD you don’t let us do that here. Thank. God.”

  31. Hey, I don’t hate “Gummers”. I am just miserable bitch. Maybe if I just gave this a chance. Let’s see…..

    Well, it’s not so bad in here, I guess. I mean, I guess I could get used to th—OH FOR PETE’S SAKE THAT GUY HAS A PICTURE OF A CAT. A FREAKIN’ CAT!!. What kind of a &*()$% wastes the time to upload a cat picture????

    OK. This may take some more time.

  32. Isn’t that Russ Meyer behind the camera (in front of the camera)?

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