I don’t watch The Bachelor (though I have seen one episode of The Bachelorette, and it was a complete nightmare!), but I watched last night’s “The Limo Introductions Episode” because after watching and loving so many seasons of Burning Love, I wanted to see the real thing. It was bad! I mean, it was exactly like Burning Love, which is exactly what I wanted, except at the end I felt like a bad person who willingly entered a world of sadness, lies, and humiliation for what amounted to my entire night. LOL. Oh well! What Ani DiFranco doesn’t know won’t hurt her. The first thing you have to know about the girls on this season of The Bachelor is that nearly all of them spell their name a little bit wrong. You have to stand out, and if that is by eliminating some necessary letters or adding some unnecessary ones, so be it. The second thing you have to know is that — and brace yourself for this — due to an overwhelming response to the current Bachelor candidate Juan Pablo (who is quite handsome), the show has increased the number of girls in its girl arsenal from 25 to…TWENTY-SEVEN! “Ohh, so two more?”  says Juan Pablo, completely stunned. “That makes it a little more difficult.” Indeed. Last night’s episode already eliminated nine of those girls (including a woman who gave Juan Pablo a massage through his suit [WITH OIL] and moaned the whole time, and a woman who cried so much and immediately told him that she was vulnerable because her engagement had somewhat recently been broken off) (LADIES!) (PULL YOURSELVES TOGETHER!), but I’ve put together a handy faces guide to the rest of them. What faces should you be making at these ladies who should know better than to be on this show because they are grown woman and deserve to have respect for themselves? CLICK 2 FIND OUT!

Comments (33)
  1. My two coworkers who I do not like and who always make me feel stupid and incompetent were talking about how they watched The Bachelor yesterday and they had real opinions about the contestants. I watched Antiques Roadshow yesterday and learned that an old chair would have been worth a lot more money if some Victorians hadn’t carved it all up.
    Who is stupid and incompetent now????

  2. People spell Claire wrong so often even when for example you have worked together for over two years and your name is literally in front of the person’s face but it still makes me mad every time and people who CHOOSE to spell it wrong ON PURPOSE deserve no roses or screen time or fake babies.

    ╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻

    • I have a coworker, who I otherwise love, who will reply to e-mails WITH MY NAME ON THEM and address them to “Carole.” WHY ARE YOU ADDING AN EXTRA TOTALLY UNNECESSARY AND SILENT LETTER TO MY NAME WHICH IS ALSO A COMMONLY USED NOUN/VERB????

      • People spell my name wrong 90% of the time. It’s an unusual spelling, but when you are writing an e-mail or instant message, I think you can take the 0 extra seconds to check in your peripheral vision to make sure that the way you spelled it matches up with my signature, people!

        Also, my boss once lectured me about a small error I made on a report because it was “unprofessional,” then handed me a letter of recommendation for graduate school that I had requested where he consistently referred to me as Andrew. Which is not even close to being my name.

  3. I developed a Mystic Tan by the end of that slideshow.

  4. I actually kind of love the bachelor. I have to fast forward through about 90% of it…but if for no other reason, you should watch it just to make Burning Love (on the E network) a much much funnier parody. Because Burning Love is seriously great and it has all of our friends in it!

  5. Renee is a single mother, which Juan likes because he is a single father. They should both be at home with their children.

    -all reality television boiled down to a perfect sentence

  6. I just don’t get The Bachelor. We all know that these women have each had the chance to hang out with the guy for about 2 total hours by the time they’ve finished taping, so where does the dramatic tension come from? How can they be feeling real emotions about it, and in turn what the hell am I supposed to feel about their inappropriately intense emotions? YOU PEOPLE NEED THERAPY, BACHELOR CONTESTANTS.

    • I feel like a lot of the people who genuinely like The Bachelor and its ilk are the same kind of people who love gossip, no matter how inane. And I’m definitely not above being interested in juicy gossip–but I mean people like the coworker who constantly asks/talks about what’s going on with everyone else, even though the details are totally boring, or the neighbor who’s always peeking out their window, and stuff like that. They don’t care if it’s fake because they’re so boring, they live for other people’s lives.

      • That sounds right. Gossip can be fun, but for me it’s only fun when you hear about someone doing something insane/wildly illegal/etc. But I have no idea how anyone musters up the energy to care about the non-event of whether Jennifer Aniston might someday have a baby.

        • She’s a spinster dog woman and that is why I love her. She’s not having kids, she’s adopting shelter dogs. So damn straight I will read articles about her… if only because it keeps the Kardashians off a piece of paper or Internet space. Plus, she is usually photographed with her dogs, so I get dog pics instead of stupid baby pics. If I wanted to look at a stupid baby, I’d log onto Facebook.

          • I love stupid celebrity gossip…and was a longtime subscriber to USWeekly. I finally had to cancel it and give up my vice when every single cover alternated between one of the Kardashian Klan or one of the MTV Teen Moms. I love gossip about who wore what to a premiere or who is dating who on the set of their movie…but the Teen Mom/Kardashian thing is just not “celeb gossip” I care for.

  7. Power Rankings Based on Last Night’s Episode:

    1. Andi
    2. Lauren S. (via piano bike)
    3. Sharleen
    4. Nikki
    5. Victoria

  8. so i’ve never watched the show, but do the “contestants” ever appear onscreen together via freaky friday-style movie magic, or is all just a series of deft costume changes? because those are all definitely the exact same woman, right?

    • uh, i meant parent trap-style movie magic. i have no idea why i typed freaky friday.

      • That show would be so much more fun if the contestants switch souls after a magical rose ceremony you will never forget, especially as their personalities are just as similar.

        How many are pharmaceutical reps? Usually there are about 14 out of the 23.

  9. This is great

  10. There is a place in this country called ‘Forty Fort’?!? I think I can now die happy …

  11. This is top-notch hilarity, Kelly. Bravo. (No sarcasto)

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