1. Check the weather and realize that even though you woke up to 50 degree weather today, tomorrow you will be waking up to 8 degree weather with an AccuWeather “RealFeel,” whatever that even is, of -20.
2. Move your mattress to the floor of either your bedroom or living room. Clear out necessary items that might prohibit your mattress from being on the floor.
3. Find all of your blankets, sheets, sweaters, and towels — check your suitcases and tote bags — and pile them around your mattress. Do you have anything that smells good? Not like perfume, but like candles and those little bags of I don’t even know — potpourri? Grab those and put them at the section of the mattress you have chosen as your “base.” Do not get comfortable there yet.
4. E-mail your boss or coworkers or friends or whomever might need to be notified and let them know, “Hey, sorry but I think tomorrow — wait oh no, ohh hold on a sec, it looks like my– ahhh, see, I knew this would be a probl– okay hold on.” and don’t e-mail them back until it gets warmer outside. (At that point, e-mail “okay, sorry — I’m back!” and show up to fulfill your responsibilities.)
5. Put on a few pairs of soft pants, some tank tops, t-shirts, long sleeve shirts, one sweatshirt, and a hoodie.
6. Settle into your base and realize that you forgot reading material. Accept this. This is your new life. Sleep deeply.

DO NOT:

1. BE A LUNATIC.

The bubble one and the boiling water one actually do look pretty neat, though. (Via TastefullyOffensive.)

Comments (32)
  1. I don’t understand how Chinese food and sex didn’t make the list. Not in that order, of course.

  2. With wind chill factored in it is currently -38 degrees in Chicago so of course I did not go to work because HA HA are you kidding they do not pay me enough, but I opened the window a minute ago out of morbid curiosity and now I will never get out from under this blanket and they will one day find my bones reclined on this couch.

    • I walked outside for all of 60 seconds. The first 10 seconds were refreshing and it was fun to here the sound of trees cracking. Then it sort of hit my innards and felt terrible.

      My office said to “use your discretion” in coming in. I think 2 people showed up. Poor 2 people.

    • Our dog has to poop, but every time we bring her outside, she starts limping and wants to go right back in.

      I am very thankful that I have a job where I can work from home today. I do have to run errands at some point and that is probably going to be awful.

      At least this might be a good day to quit smoking since I have zero interest in spending 20 minutes putting on layers to spend 2 minutes having a cigarette.

      • Yay, the dog finally pooped!

        My car won’t start, so I might not be going to work tomorrow either.

        I’m going to crack and have at least a couple of cigarettes before this night is over.

        Can’t wait until it’s above zero at this point. It will be a heat wave!

  3. There was a polar vortex or whatever when I was in high school and this idiot girl I knew (easily one of the stupidest people I have EVER met… and I came to that conclusion years before this story happened) got into a snowball fight without gloves for all of 10 minutes and had such severe frostbite that her hands turned black and would have lost fingers if we didn’t grow up in a rich suburb with immediate access to decent doctors. She had to wear thermal gloves on her hands for the rest of high school, even in summer.

    One tip I learned awhile ago was to put a water bottle with warm or hot water at the foot of your bed to help warm it up. I once used a potato, which also worked (thanks Laura Ingells Wilder!), but made my room smell like potatoes.

    • oh my god that girl must love snowball fights

      • Not anymore she doesn’t.

        • It would be kind of great if she still does, like divers and mountain climbers who go back to it even after they have horrible, stupid accidents. “I just can’t keep away from snowball fights! They’re, like, my passion, you know?”

      • heimaey  |   Posted on Jan 6th +15

        She’s the best at them – hands down!

        • Actually I think she had a series of skin grafts. It was super gross. She was also — seriously — the dumbest person that I ever knew. Common sense dumb. Book dumb. Get drunk and have a snowball fight when you’re 16 and it’s -80 out (SERIOUSLY IT WAS -80 OUT) dumb.

          • My friend lived in SD and said the hypothermia index had to be watched closely each day in the winter and they would tell you how many minutes before frostbite would set in. She said there were always a couple people each year who would die by locking themselves out or by being drunk and passing out outside.

          • I just looked it up — apparently this happened 20 years ago — and the high was probably 3 degrees. The low was -28!! And with windchill that gets to insanely dangerous situations (because regular -28, no big deal). School was cancelled for a week because it was so cold and we had a tiny earthquake the Saturday after the cold because the water in the limestone base started to freeze and split the rock. I was watching SNL with my parents and the whole house felt like it dropped about a foot.

            I am now an old lady that tells stories about cold weather. But seriously, DON’T HAVE SNOWBALL FIGHTS OUTSIDE WHEN THERE IS A FUCKING FROSTBITE INDEX OR SOMEONE WILL MAKE JOKES ABOUT YOU ON AN INTERNET BLOG 20 YEARS LATER.

          • When Ranulph Fiennes’s fingers fell off, you could understand that it was probably in the pursuit of human betterment (if that’s even a word) This girl. Oh goodness.

    • You say “made my room smell like potatoes” like it’s a bad thing.

  4. heimaey  |   Posted on Jan 6th +11

    That was hot water he humped into right?

  5. Roommate is making cake and I am drinking tea and watching Adventureland. Not bad, day.

  6. Guys, I have to go out to the parking lot to warm up my car in a few minutes and I’m imagining having to run from the cold like in The Day After Tomorrow.

  7. i played the ‘car wont start’ card this morning without even checking, after sleeping for another hour or so my boss suggested that i should jump my car at which point i took a long hot shower and then just started my car up and drove to work and it was -60 with windchill in minneapolis when i woke up

  8. flanny  |   Posted on Jan 6th +13

    My boss is very much of the “don’t be a hero” variety and leaves at the drop of a hat and tells me to leave too, even though I live basically within walking distance of the office. He’ll also basically run around the floor yelling “EVERYONE GO HOME” when the weather is bad. He also has an adorable giggle.

  9. fuck this guy

    • Agreed. As soon as I heard the guitar start to plink-a-dink, I thought: I hate this guy. Then he held his camera on a tree branch for what felt like 37 minutes and I knew I was not wrong.

      • I closed the video after one, maybe two seconds, as soon that banjo and the earnest narration began. Cannot take it. The worst.

  10. Still in LA, where these accounts of weather feel like science fiction. “Ha ha that’s so fake.”

    Prolly gonna hit the car wash on lunch. Kind of needs one! Don’t worry, I’ll bring a book to read, and I have sunglasses.

  11. I feel like this guy is just counting the days until he can return to New Mexico to exact the revenge on the neo-nazis who killed his brother -in-law and brought down his meth empire.

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