A young girl sits on her grandmother’s lap as they flip through an old, dusty photo album. “Ah, and here we are at 2014,” says the grandmother. “The year of Shia LaBeouf?” asks the young girl. “That’s correct, dearie. The year of Shia LaBeouf. Very good.” Her eyes widen at the thought of gaining the knowledge she’d only yet cobbled together from her parent’s passing conversations (“remember when, in the year of Shia LaBeouf, Shia LaBeouf tried to–” “no”).  ”Can we skip the Daniel Clowes stuff and get to when he started pulling his teeth out on the set of Fury and smelling so bad that even Stinky Daddy himself had a problem with it?” she asks. “Ohh, my little love, anything for you.” From The Daily Mail:

I am told that the 27-year-old actor, who has been in the UK filming the £50 million Second World War drama Fury, faced harsh criticism from fellow cast members including Brad Pitt and British actor Jason Isaacs – and even found himself shifting between three hotels in the Oxfordshire area where the action was filmed.

‘Shia was warned about his behaviour by several people on set, including Brad Pitt and director David Ayer,’ a source reveals. …

It seems that LaBeouf who plays an American soldier in Fury, was determined to adopt the method-acting approach for his new role. The source adds: ‘Shia drove everyone mad on set trying to prove that he was the most dedicated star.

‘He pulled out his own tooth during the first few weeks of filming and then refused to shower for weeks on end so he could better understand how his character would have felt living in the trenches.’

And this is from The Daily Mail, which routinely posts true stories about ghosts, so we know the source is reliable! But even if the source’s source is less than reliable, can someone please check on Shia LaBeouf? He seems like he is going through something! Like, in his brain? His brain seems bad. Or maybe broken. Listen, I don’t know a lot about the human body, obviously, but maybe he just needs a new brain? He, at the very least, needs a new tooth. Maybe when his dentist is checking his tooth, he can get a quick peek at the brain? Just a li’l look. Makes sure all the parts are there, etc. I don’t know. I’m not a dentist! Someone help him!

Comments (11)
  1. That ghost story freaked me out all weekend. Ghosts wear Uggs and show up in Instagram? There really is a hell…

  2. But think of how he’s revitalized the struggling skywriting industry!

  3. Is that not billy zane in that photo?

  4. I like to think there’s an on-set advisor that just feeding Shia a whole bunch of bologna on what it was like to be a WWII soldier, just for giggles and grins:

    “Yeah, every US soldier in WWII pulled a tooth out of his head for luck. They also didn’t shower for weeks on end to evade the Fuhrer’s regiment of soldier sniffing dachshunds. They also ate a pine cone everyday for vitamins and wore loaves of bread on their feet because shoe leather was used to make bomb casings. The bread shoes were called victory boots. Christ, you’re really writing all of this down, Shia.”

  5. This is classic method acting. I heard Pacino actually circumcised himself for that Phil Spector biopic.

  6. What if your 13- or 14-year-old daughter started dating this guy? How would you even handle that? Like obviously she needs to make her own mistakes and learn that he’s a greasy vapid idiot with fleas on her own time, but would you need to step in so that your house doesn’t smell like bong water b.o. and bad poetry… or would that make the attraction to the dip shit even stronger as he was semi-forbidden by parents, which probably makes his terrible philosophies even more pertinent? I dated a cheesy “artist” / “dreamer” type once around this age (date is a strong word, we drove around and had coffee) and my mom basically started giggling and said something like “Oh, you’ll figure out why I don’t like him in about 3 weeks when his vapid circular logic falls in on himself. Outgrowing a guy like this is part of growing up.” (or something to that effect). I would find it very difficult to keep a straight face when a dummy like this shows up at my imaginary teen’s door as I am sure it was for my mom and dad.

    • My plan is to set such an impossible, Ron Swanson-esque template of manhood for my daughter that no greasy pop-psychobabble spouting highschool boy can possibly seem worthwhile to her.

  7. Method acting or madness? Go ask Daniel Day-Lewis.

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