Ah, our final meeting of the Videogum Holiday Movie Club on Christmas day. How appropriate. Truthfully, it’s hard to celebrate anything on the day after Justin Bieber announced that he is “officially retiring,” and one wishes that he would have saved that devastating, true, and — above all — binding Tweet for after the holidays, but here we are. Just as young artists desperately need literally any single person to watch over them lest they forever act out in self- and career-damaging ways, we desperately need to come together and discuss White Christmas, lest I don’t know what. We die? I forget the stipulations of your Videogum Holiday Movie Club contracts, but I vaguely remember something about death being the punishment for not meeting and discussing whichever holiday movie was chosen. Oh well!

White Christmas is a classic, so I barely even know what to say about it. You wonder why the CM (club master) would have chosen a movie like that, LOL, what was she thinking. And declaring that she’d discuss it on Christmas day? Lunatic! In any case, the movie is appropriately titled, that is for sure. The only way they could have improved the title, I think, would be to have called it Super White Christmas. Or wait, Super White And Also Army Christmas. Bing Crosby’s Super White And Also Army Christmas. As one always does when one watches any movie, I was trying to think who could be cast in the doomed-to-fail remake of a musical movie like this, and I guess the only male options would be Justin Timberlake and Joseph Gordon-Levitt?

Yuck! Gross. “2014′s most showboat-y showboats ARE Bing Crosby’s Super White And Also Army Christmas.” (Justin Beiber retired just in time, R.I.P.) And then Anna Kendrick plays both Betty and Judy, I guess? Maybe Zooey Deschanel could play one of them, eek. (Specifically not saying Anne Hathaway.) (And you know Taylor Swift would lobby so hard for Taylor Swift, but.) Can Greta Gerwig sing and dance? I know she danced a bit in Frances Ha, but is it enough? Why aren’t performers required to be able to sing and dance anymore? It’s not fair. Take a ballet class, Benedict, get in on this sweet pretend-yet-still-awful remake action! Whom would you cast in the awful remake? What do you think of White Christmas? Perfect classic? Needs no picking apart on a pop culture website on Christmas day? LEEMMEE KNOW! And, if you’d like, please come back tomorrow when we’ll reveal another 2013 favorites list. <3

Comments (9)
  1. MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE.

    I like this movie, despite the schmaltz and gross age gap between Bing and Rosemary. We watch it every year. “Choreography” makes me laugh every time.

  2. I’ve never seen this movie but felt like I should chime in to say Merry Christmas.

    Also, did you know the song “White Christmas” first appeared in the movie Holiday Inn? My dad is a history teacher who loves old movies, and this seems like the only time this trivia will be relevant for me to bring up.

  3. Too much singing and dancing for my taste.

  4. Love this movie 4ever. And it’s funny because when my family watched it this morning we also discussed who would be in a remake my mom said Justin Timberlake too! Anyway I’ve seen WC a thousand times but the thing that I thought about this time that I never thought about before is how sad the person who was going to fill in for Rosemary Clooney in the big Christmas show when Rosemary Clooney fucked off to the Carousel Club must have been when Rosemary Clooney came back at the last minute to rejoin the show! She probably thought it was going to be her big break :(

    But whatever, she is just a fictional loser! Merry Christmas everybody!

    • Oh my gosh, my thoughts were along the same lines, but you see, in my mind, they didn’t have anyone filling in for Rosemary Clooney, and I laughed at the thought of them just trying to dance and sing around where Rosemary should’ve been. Like in the “Gee, I wish I was back in the army” number, I imagined Danny Kaye leaning on Judy and Bing Crosby pretending to lean on thin air like a mime and it made me laugh. They didn’t really seem to have a contingency plan?

  5. Thank god you didn’t pick the slightly racist Holiday Inn, which I super love, despite the racism. Because I would have been very defensive. You still get Crosby, but you get better songs, cuter babes and FRED mc effing ASTAIRE and he is the bees’ knees as they used to say. White Christmas sucks, and it sucks despite the fact that it stars Der Bingle and Hans Christen Andersen. Those guys usually can’t mess anything up, so I blame the writers and the stars agents, for allowing them to be in this crap. The best part about this movie is watching Bing look extremely uncomfortable doing the gals’ “Sisters” number in drag. The worst part of this movie is the song they sing to their retiring commandant, or whatever you call that job. Phew! I feel much better now. So cathartic to get that off my chest!

    • I know purists would get mad, but they really need to just cut the Abraham song from that, so I can stop cringing every time I watch it. Then I’ll only cringe at the housekeeper. Ok, nevermind, there’s really no way to stop from cringing at the racist parts of Holiday Inn.

      My mom loves TCM so we’ve had it on a lot in the house this week. They had an ad for Astaire’s “Swing Time,” which I remember liking. Then they cut to the scene of Astaire dancing in black face. So much yikes to early Hollywood.

  6. I love this movie but I can pick a few nits, since I’m several days late and it’s not Christmas anymore!

    First off, let’s just consider HOW MUCH TROUBLE Bing Crosby and Danny Kaye really could’ve gotten in for helping Betty and Judy flee their WARRANTS. THEY WERE BEING ARRESTED. That is serious business.

    Also, the whole “misunderstanding” between Betty and Bob is SO ANNOYING. She doesn’t even confront him directly about it? She takes the housekeeper’s word and misinterprets one thing Danny Kaye says and then is like, well, OBVS this dude is a jerk BYEZ. JUST TALK TO EACH OTHER. I guess I’m not mad though because then she gets to wear that bangin’ black sequined gown at the Carousel Club.

    How mad would you be if you were in that cast and you thought you had the whole week off for Christmas? And then you get called back for PERSONAL reasons on the part of your boss. You know those people were probably scattered all over the country at that point! No way they got everyone back in time. And now way everyone was so chipper about it.

    Also, the Minstrel number? I mean, I know it’s not as bad as it could be, but still, uh, no. I’m fairly certain in the stage musical version of White Christmas, they cut that number and replace it with “I Love a Piano” which is much better in like 5000 ways.

    Vera-Ellen’s legs continue to amaze and inspire me every year I watch it. I get so mad that I didn’t keep up with my dancing when I see her legs during “Mandy.”

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