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You guys, True Blood recap tomorrow, promise. I KNOW THAT I HAVE BEEN FAILING YOU IN THIS. I’ve got to get this yogurt cup off of my head! But we can talk about the debut episode of Entourage right now! And how sure, we expected them to phone it in pretty hard, but I’m not sure anyone could have prepared themselves for the lukewarm shit show that it ended up being. Entourage, COME ON! It is 2009. Barack Obama is president. WE, AS A PEOPLE, DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS!

We don’t have time to listen to Turtle and Johnny Drama give E a hard time about liking girls too much. Maybe in the anti-social Bush years when the world stopped even making sense and everything seemed to be spiraling dangerously out of control. But not anymore. It’s 2009, we can like girls now. That being said, we also don’t have time to worry about whether or not E will get back together with Sloan. I don’t even remember why they broke up. Was it because he borrowed her walkman and rollerblades and wouldn’t give them back? BECAUSE OF HOW LONG AGO IT WAS THAT THEY WERE EVEN GOING OUT WHO CARES?

We don’t have time to worry about whether or not Vince, a grown man, will get his driver’s license. (And it doesn’t matter because we don’t have time to care since he does get his driver’s license, even though he can’t drive. OK!) Or whether he will be lonely when E moves out. Oh, by the way, SPOILER ALERT: E moves out. Who will be more lonely, E or Vince? I don’t know. Let’s give them both guns and one bullet each and find out. I’m hoping for a tie. We don’t have time to worry about Turtle peeing in a bathtub, either. It’s 2009! What happened to his music management career? Who cares! He’s a thinly drawn side character on a thinly drawn show that’s worn thin! MOVING ON.

Of course, then there is the Ari Gold and his Gay (GAY!) Assistant Lloyd. Lloyd wants a promotion but Ari won’t give it to him! What is amazing is that Lloyd feels like he’s paid his dues after three years, but this show has been going on for five. We’ve paid two years of dues more than Lloyd. WHERE IS OUR PROMOTION? At the end of the episode, Ari promises Lloyd that if he can survive 100 days of rigorous hazing, he will make Lloyd into a junior agent, or something. If we survive the 100 days can this show be canceled? The casual racism and aggressive homophobia that Ari feels free to shout into Lloyd’s face is the only stake in this show that has been raised.

Lloyd: [if you don't promote me] I’ll go work for my father.
Ari: Where, at a dry cleaners?
Lloyd: My father owns a winery in Napa.
Ari: I don’t think sodomy is legal in Napa.

WOW! THAT IS WORSE THAN IT WAS BEFORE! YOU HAVE DONE IT, ENTOURAGE! David Mamet over here. It’s like Chekov used to always say: If you say in the first chapter that there is a rifle hanging on the wall, in the second or third chapter you should shoot yourself in the face, because this show.

Comments (49)
  1. Turtle  |   Posted on Jul 13th, 2009 +20

    shut UP, Gabe! You like girls WAY too much!

  2. This show is just Sex and the City for men.

  3. Where’s the Jay Leno joke? Leno made a cameo!

  4. RT @azizansari RT @ScottAukerman A guy passed his driving test. A guy rented an apartment. A minor character asked for a job. No one argued. ENTOURAGE.

    Posting an RT of an RT about a bad tv show I watch anyway because I don’t know anymore on a pop culture blog. That is a thing I just did. Who am I? What have I become?

  5. i will continue to spend my sunday nights watching this show so long as sloan continues to be heavily featured

  6. Tim Weyers  |   Posted on Jul 13th, 2009 -105

    Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see

    • Good comment. Very critical.

    • Tim Weyers  |   Posted on Jul 13th, 2009 +68

      Hey guys, Tim Weyers again. I have bad taste in television and nobody likes me.

      • Tim Weyers  |   Posted on Jul 13th, 2009 -1

        Haha. Okay. Obviously people took my comment very harshly. I am an avid reader of Videogum and usually love hearing what Gabe has to say (even though, he kind of hated on The Hangover, which I loved). But seriously, everyone has been hating on Entourage lately, but everyone still watches it. I just don’t get it. Can anyone explain? ***Gabe, you are not a piece of shit. I enjoy your site and writing. I apologize.

        • This is one of the worst shows in the history of television.

          It is pornography for douchebags, for the most materially-obsessed, stupid elements of our society. It is not just bad, it is evil, and you are part of the problem, Tim Weyers.

          All you can do now is get on your knees and pray for death.

          • Tim Weyers  |   Posted on Jul 13th, 2009 -10

            Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see

          • I have yet to actually watch Mad Men. It would be hella sad if my UN was actually based on the actor in that show because I’d have misspelled his name twice. That is the maximum possible number of misspellings.

          • Tim Weyers  |   Posted on Jul 13th, 2009 -1

            My bad…had no clue your actual name was John Ham. Bottom line, I am really regretting making that joke about Gabe and hating on Entourage. Clearly this site feels strongly on disliking the show. But can you explain why they still watch it?

          • Oh, Gabe...  |   Posted on Jul 13th, 2009 +13

            Gabe, Patron Saint of Mercy and Charity, watches Entourage, True Blood, The Real World, etc… so YOU don’t have to!
            His mercy knows no bounds.

          • Noah  |   Posted on Jul 15th, 2009 +1

            Let’s attack chocolate next. It’s devoid of meaning and highly self-indulgent. It’s food for douchebags, for the most sugar-obsessed, stupid elements of our society. It is not just bad, it is evil. It’s mass appeal aggravates me because I don’t have a taste for it. It is meaningless, so it must be evil.

  7. jesse  |   Posted on Jul 13th, 2009 0

    What I don’t get is how Gatsby went from concept to finished movie about to be released in a week, because the show picks up right where it left off, only Vince got a call from Scorsese in the finale, and now he is promoting the finished movie in the premiere. What? Also, I love how the show is steering us towards the “Ari’s friend is an alcoholic and Ari is going to have to confront him about it” angle. That might be even worse than the Dom story line, and I honestly thought they could never top that.

  8. There was definitely also an anal cherry joke. Class act.

  9. Every time I see a hate-watch post..I just want to ask if you’re okay.

    Are you okay? Are you okay Gabe? Won’t you tell us….(end of MJ references for me now.)

  10. K's  |   Posted on Jul 13th, 2009 +2

    Did I miss when this wasn’t what Entourage was every week? Was there some point when you were counting down the days until next weeks episode because of the big cliffhanger? Seems to me you’re getting too frustrated with a predictable show being predictable, which it always has been. Next week on Hung… dude still has a big Penis

  11. zik  |   Posted on Jul 13th, 2009 +8

    “My Name is Earl is now a part of Miller Gold!” WHOOOOOOPS.

  12. So I love the fact that this show has been advertising on Videogum for at least the past week, when all posts written about it are scathing reviews of its too-lazy-to-take-pants-off-for-sex mentality.

    Fuck you (and ourselves) forever.

    Lot of Love,
    Entourage

  13. I’m worried that the nice bald man is going to get fired from the DMV because of Vince telling that wicked tale of corruption on Leno. Hopefully, this storyline will continue and make for the most compelling season of Entourage yet!

    • Seriously, that guy would totally get fired for accepting a bribe. At least. Isn’t bribing a government official a felony or something? VINCE SHOULD BE IN JAIL!

  14. Gah, Gabe! What are you doing to me? I sit through *two* True Blood eps for nothing? I thought we had a deal! And I have to wade over here to an Entourage post (uh, how is this show allowed to exist when it’s the most sexist thing on TV…yeah, I think even worse than Mad Men and isn’t it on purpose there?) to find out I got True Blood all in my eyes for nothing? Another day? Pfft, way to treat your fans.

    I sentence you to 24 hours of comment reading at the True Blood LiveJournal community.

    • Yes, Mad Men is in fact not sexist, but rather a very smart and nuanced critique of the rampant sexism (among other problems) of its time as well as a subtle commentary on the current state of our society. I know because I read about it in a study published by the Institute of Duh.

      ON THE OTHER HAND, Entourage has Turtle hooking up with Meadow Soprano! Sloan is hot! E is an insecure whiny man-child! Ari says mean things and gay Lloyd lovingly puts up with his constant abuse like a doormat/stupid dog whose gayness is submissive and non-threatening! Vince has special movie star powers of fucking tons of beautiful and possibly intelligent women he just met with no physical or emotional consequences! Woo! Life is great, you guys, they are all just riding that beautiful go-cart of life!

      • Thanks for the correction, Andy. Commentary on how f*cked up sexism is = good; sexism as a way of life = Entourage.

        I’m getting a restraining order against you, Entourage.

      • +5 internets to you Andy. I really love Man Men for the nuanced comments on gender relations and social history. But nuanced can also be defined as “right over the heads of Transformers fans.” If it doesn’t slap them in the face with raunch, CGI, or explosions- they don’t get it. So, how much for you to write my thesis?

  15. At one point, I thought I accidentally changed the channel and was watching Degrassi. Shit show.

    • At least Degrassi is infinitely entertaining in its hopeless mishandling of serious and complicated issues, as well its comically horrible acting and the fact that it’s Canadian.

  16. Bort  |   Posted on Jul 13th, 2009 -6

    Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see

  17. God this show. If you’re going to be shit at least be like True Blood and be interesting shit. A show about a bunch of cash-flush bros too old and dumb to be frat boys living in the most awful city on earth and partying with the requisite HBO Topless Chicks – that’s just tedious shit.

  18. Who cares. WHY DO U WATCH THIS SHOW AND WHY DO YOU SPEND TIME WRITING ABOUT IT. Zzzzzz.

  19. Gabe you need to watch and talk about more shows you actually like. I mean I guess you have 30 Rock and Lost. But that might be it. Will you be covering Mad Men when it starts in a few weeks? I really need to know.

  20. What about Merlin? Can we hate-watch that too? I can’t seem to watch it for more than 5 minutes. But it is a huge hit. Of course, the fans are non-fantasy watchers and typically know little about the original stories… so yeah… that’s pretty typical.

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