I didn’t see The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug this weekend both because I was unable to carve out 400 hours from my schedule and because, although I love Benedict Cumberbatch’s voice as much as the next everyone, I have 0 interest in it. SMAUG ME WHY DON’T YOU. If I’m going to carve out 400 hours out of my anxiety nightmare pre-holiday week to see a movie, it’s going to be just about any other movie at the box office right now, because they’re all so god damn long, and they all are more interesting to me than wizards and dwarves on a quest from (what I assume amounts to) the mind of Peter Jackson. PHEW! I’m a real pill! That said: Did you love it? Hahah. Did you, though? We all have different hearts and brains, so if you agree not to smaug me for not wanting to see it, I certainly will not smaug you for loving it. Did you see it? I’ve heard lots of mixed things. For example, Betsy Sharkey of the LA Times says, “Peter Jackson’s newest installment of the Tolkien trilogy is set afire by the scorching roar of a dragon.” But Pablo Villaca of Cinema em Cena says, “A representação física do conceito de ‘excesso’.” It’s anyone’s game, as far as hastily chosen pull quotes from Rotten Tomatoes are concerned. So, what did you think? 10/10 Smaugs? Would Smaug again?

Comments (46)
  1. I haven’t seen it yet, but most of what I’ve head has been “better than the first one, but still not, you know, good which is about what I expected. As long as Lee Pace hams it the fuck up as Thranduil, I’ll probably be satisfied.

    (People who have seen it: how gross/long is the spider scene? I managed to watch all of Shelob’s parts in LOTR, so if it’s around the same level of NONONONO as that, I should be okay.)

  2. Thank you! You know I keep forgetting Shelob’s name and keep referring to her as Aragog?! Finally some relief.

    • This is in reply to ladyraincorn btw. Dunno why it’s not where it should be.

    • I’ve still never seen the second Harry Potter movie, because one giant spider I can handle, but like a bazillion giant spiders? NOPE. So, people who have seen the Desolation of Smaug, please rate the spider scene on a scale of Shelob to Aragog & Co.

      • For now on, everything bad will be based on a scale of Shelob to Aragog:

        How was your final? I give it 3 Shelobs because I didn’t study until last minute and was expecting a ton of Aragog & Co.

        How was childbirth? There aren’t enough arachnids in all of fandom to quantify.

      • I’ve never seen the second Harry Potter all the way through, because it is terrible. Actively awful. You can definitely skip it.

  3. I baby sat so my brother and his baby mama could go. He said nothing happened. I watched hot fuzz and pet semetary instead (thats right TWO movies in the time it took them to go to 1).

  4. Yesterday, instead of seeing this, I watched Wanderlust and then Seeking a Friend at the End of the World on HBOGo.

    Wanderlust was sort of delightful, and Seeking a Friend was maaaaaybe the worst movie I’ve ever seen!

  5. Lemme Smaug It!

  6. Kelly should never see this! The gigantic disgusting spider attack? Right?

  7. I thought the first movie was super boring so I watched a Lifetime movie where a lady exec moves inside a snow globe and learns the real meaning of Christmas.

  8. I didn’t see the movie this weekend because it was apparently Official Christmas Party Weekend, and also I don’t really care about it. So instead I cleaned my whole apartment, made like 5 pots of chili and brought them to parties all weekend. Today all my connective tissue hurts from dehydration. The Desolation Of My Liver.

  9. I have no interest in seeing this either but I would very much like to see a highlight reel of B.Cumbs in his motion capture leotard trying to writhe around like a dragon because you know he took it SUPER seriously and who couldn’t use a good laugh in this stressful holiday season?

  10. We watched a dating show on Telemundo called 12 Corazones. It was ridiculous and fantastic.

      • The episode we saw had a VERY sassy lady host who basically just made fun of the guys. 4 guys and 8 girls, some dressed as devils and some dressed as angels. Each one represented a different Zodiac sign. Basically the girls were in slutty devil/angel Halloween costumes, and the guys were not wearing shirts, but had on wings or devil horns. The audience kept asking them to “Turn, turn, turn!”

        They had to eliminate contestants and at one point a pole came down, and the host would pick one guy and one girl to pole dance with each other.

        Oh, there was a guy called “Babe” who dispensed love advice, and at the end of the show licked his fingers to smooth his eyebrows.

        The show has been on since 2005 and is filmed in the Los Angeles area. If we are ever in Los Angeles, we are definitely going to try and find a way to get a seat at this show. Of course, we would have a really hard time understanding anything because I doubt there are English subtitles at the taping.

        Based on youtube videos for the show, it’s not always devil/angel themed.

    • I LOVE 12 CORAZONES! More dating shows should be loosely based on astrology and involve pole dancing competitions. My favorite part is how if one person agrees to be the other one’s corazon they have to make out for a minute and then wait to see if the audience elects them Best Couple.

      • It was seriously so crazy! One of the videos we saw on youtube involved an elimination round where whichever girl gave the worst lap dance (measured by the male contestant’s pulse) loses.

        I will probably start recording it on the DVR. We have been trying to learn Spanish through novelas, but this way seems fun too.

        • When I worked in the evening I used to watch it all the time with my roommate who worked from home and we would always try and fail to figure out what they were saying in the question and answer portion. But love is the universal language so we got the gist when people started making out with each other!

  11. I am pretty sure I either slept through or was intoxicated during any Lord of the Rings movies that I might have seen because I have no recollection of the plots. I am definitely not the target smaugience for anything involving hobbits or dragons, so I will ignore these movies as much as possible.

  12. Last night I watched Twixt on netflix instant and very very highly recommend it for various reasons. Parts of the movie are so technically inept that it feels like Tommy Wiseau was behind the camera, other parts are intentionally very funny, and some other parts are quite beautiful and moving. It is a very strange movie and I’m not sure the degree to which Coppola’s intentions were realized but I’m glad he made it that way.

  13. I watched the first hour of the first Hobbit this weekend, because movie theaters have bed bugs and sticky floors so I wait for movies to come out on Redbox. I can see why other people would like it, but this whole Hobbit world is not for me. The whole singing and throwing dishes thing is just not my cup of tea.

  14. I went to see the first movie last year with my coworker and his adorable wife (3rd wheel, ftw). I hated it, but pretended it was good because they were so excited. Coworker’s adorable wife is now pretty insistent that we see the second one together. I’m hoping the holidays make that impossible, because I cannot resist her adorable excitement and will then have to sit through this.

  15. Also, does anyone have an opinion on the addition of the Lady Elf? I know they were trying to make up for the fact that there are no ladies in the Hobbit, but I still hate the idea of her. Arwen was the worst, so I think she must be as well. Same with adding Legolas. Same with the entire idea of these movies.

    (note: Eowyn and Galadriel are badasses)

    • I didn’t think she was as bad as Arwen, but she is, in no way shape or form, Eowyn or Galadriel. She didn’t bother me that much, but she really annoyed my friend.

    • She looks pretty bad-ass while firing a bow while leaping through the air, but that’s all I got.

      Considering how many characters are in this movie who shouldn’t be (or should only show up at the very end), the lady elf is no big deal in my opinion. Mostly I’m just grateful they didn’t throw in young Aragorn.

  16. Possible pronunciations when buying your ticket:
    The Insulation of Shmelg
    The Peroration of Blog
    The Fastfoodnation of Meowg

  17. More like Smaug Desolates My Heart! No, I liked it. it was much better than the first one in that it had plot advancement and no dwarf songs. So yeah. If someone is a fan, they’ll probably like it just fine.

  18. I thought the first one was okay, but making the longest LOTR movie out of the shortest book is absurd in my view. I’ll still be seeing it for the hot dwarfs, and also so I can make fun of it later.

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