[Ed. Note: Carmen Petaccio is a writer from New York City. He blogs regularly at bpofd.com and loves Sleepy Hollow.]

Ichabod Crane has got Daddy Issues. Capital “D,” capital “I,” Daddy Issues that are capital “R” Relatable. His wife, who was banished to Molester Tree Demon purgatory by her witch coven after she buried Ichabod in a peanut butter & fluff time travel cave, SOMEHOW forgot to mention that she had given birth to his son. So Ichabod is fury-chopping firewood outside his getaway cabin. He’s got an impressive pile of rage logs going when Abbie rolls up in the Cherokee. They discuss Dickensian names and the etymology of egg nog and all the questions about Ichabod’s son that this episode will answer, and then up rolls our ol’ sin-eating friend, Dr. Fringe.

Ichabod needs Fringe’s sin-munching abilities to bridge the gap between the Sleepy world and the death world where Katrina is hanging out. But Fringe is super opposed to the idea. He doesn’t even want Ichabod to touch him (yah righ), for fear that his sin compactors will begin to auto-munch. Ichabod says, “Sure, but let me remind you that this is Sleepy Hollow, where every episode is an American Studies PhD’s fever dream so chocked full of information that each script weighs as much as a cinder block. We don’t have time for disagreements.” In total agreement, Dr. Fringe strangles Ichabod.

This transports Ichabod to one of the Drunk History sets. Across the set, a creepy baby carriage is about to roll off the edge of a three-inch step. Acting accordingly, Ichabod performs a Tenacious D power-slide and stops the baby carriage from falling. Inside, of course, is a horrifying leather monster doll. Katrina apparates in and explains that Ichabod’s son’s name is Jeremy and her coven sold her out to Molester Tree Demon, so she forced Abbie’s ancestor to adopt their son. Ichabod is angry enough to chop a million logs, but before he can respond, a mud monster who resembles Clayface from Batman: The Animated Series bursts onto the Drunk History set. So there’s this week’s monster.

Back in life world, Ichabod runs the numbers on his estimated offspring. “I could have as many as 6,000 offspring,” says Ichabod, math wizard.  “Show your work on that,” says math. “I’m going to miss my train,” says Dr. Fringe. “Shut up, Dr. Fringe, you don’t even have a family,” says Abbie.  “Got me there!” says Fringe. (He stays.)

There is a B-plot in this episode where Captain Orlando Jones and Rue buy dirty water dogs in Central Park and meet the demon that haunts Ariana Grande, because Daddy Issues. I will not being writing any more about it.

At the Sleepy Hollow Public Library, Ichabod schmoozes the librarian into looking up his family history in the card catalog. He and Abbie don’t (re-read: DON’T) kiss under a mistletoe and we learn that Ichabod’s son was a Carrie-esque ESP pyromaniac who could cause fires with his tears. Turns out, his magic fire tears burned down the house with his adoptive mother, Abbie’s ancestor, in it. Why not! Outside the library, Clayface has crushed the librarian’s Seabring, with the librarian inside. Yikes.

Back at HQ, Dr. Fringe works on a crossword and Ichabod explains that, in his time, a toilet was called a vanity closet. Abbie discovers a box with a “coven crest” inside that gives Fringe the heebie jeebies. He quickly develops tar eyes and flashes back to Jeremy Crane being whipped by his hitter orphan master. Jeremy bleeds magic blood onto the creepy leather no-face doll from before, transforming it into Clayface. Clayface breaks the priest’s neck. Sorta all better!

Except now Clayface is in present day, killing librarians and smashing Seabrings. A Daddy Issues chat with Dr. Fringe leads Ichabod to consult George Washington’s Bible, where they realize Clayface is a golem and the only way to stop him is to visit the horrifying hive-minded teeth witches at the Sleepy Hollow abandoned carnival. If confused, see below.

So Ichabod, Abbie, and Fringe arrive at the abandoned carnival. Ichabod rushes to the hookah bar to chat with the hive-minded Christopher Walken Teeth Face Witches. They fess to eating cheese on Katrina and Clayface starts attacking the carnival. He breaks through a fun house mirror. Ichabod is stabbed with one of the mirror shards as a result. Like a true gent, Ichabod tries to reason with him, but Clayface is a Grade J Jerk. With no other recourse, Ichabod stabs him with his magic blood mirror shard, turning Clayface back into the horrifying doll no child should ever play with ever. All-all better!

Abbie gives Ichabod a v. chill stocking for Christmas. Ichabod thanks her and us by saying, “You embroidered my name on some over-sized hosiery.” Then Ichabod gets sucked into a mirror and Molester Tree Demon informs him that Ichabod will deliver him (MTD) Abbie’s soul. What a Scrooge.

Comments (8)
  1. Ichabod married a real dummy. Even the baby was like “Seriously, mom?” when she gave him the creepy doll!

    “There is no way this could possibly backfire” – Katrina “Einstein” Crane

  2. Thank god for these recaps because as soon as I saw that clayface man I was like “neeeeaaaauuxxxxpe” and turned it off. But now I won’t be lost next week!*

    *jk I’m always lost with this show

  3. Denethor’s reasoning at the end was uh, a little flawed. “If I hadn’t unbound your soul from the Horseman’s you never would’ve been able to stop the Golem so it all worked out in the end!” EXCEPT that if you hadn’t allowed Ichabod to use you to go to purgatory the Golem NEVER WOULD HAVE GOTTEN INTO OUR WORLD. C’mon, Denethor. I know you’ve been driven mad by staring too long into your Palantir, but you aren’t making any sense!

    Also, Jeremy’s totally not dead, right? Right.

  4. Ichabod is really good at chopping firewood. I just ran out of firewood. That can’t be a coincidence.

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