From the latest issue of Goop (via GoldenFiddlr), you guys:

Doo Doo. Perfect. She probably wrote this one herself because she didn’t trust her ghostwriter to get the tone right. Nailed it.

I’m not entirely clear on the difference between Gwyneth Paltrow’s “relax and enjoy life” phases and her “be in a movie for a few days and do a cleanse for fun on the way to the gym in the middle of the day because what else am I going to do with all this time and money and relax and enjoy life” phases, but I guess that is the purpose of her lifestyle newsletter: to let us know which phase she is in! The good news is that she feels pure! Like the freshly glazed porcelain of the perfect mid-century sink for one’s summer castle! And lighter (I heard that she lost 10 pounds of grease from her legs)!

Gwyneth Paltrow is a crap.

Comments (31)
  1. BONO is not the biggest shit in the world. THIS WOMAN undoubtedly is.

  2. Shoo, I just pops me some Ex-Lax and sit on the gardenin’ hose when I want to cleanse my butt pipe. Reckon my inner aspect ain’t as divine as Gwynnie’s.

    • Thank you for making me laugh really loud at work.

      I however am a dignified lady, a lactose intolerant one who just ate a McFlurry. Excuse me, I need to prepare my Comfort Wipe.

  3. The Gwyneth Paltrow Enigma: She writes a blog post about colon cleansing and, yet, is still full of shit. She’s a modern Zen koan.

  4. Although girls are made of sugar and spice and everything nice, Gwyneth is made of crap and stool and is totally a fool.

  5. pish posh  |   Posted on Jul 9th, 2009 +11

    Everyone knows that the best cleansings are done by Spanish doctors, daaahling.

  6. what is this? The Road to fucking Wellville?

  7. ModernMANdroid  |   Posted on Jul 9th, 2009 -6

    Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see

  8. What is the significance of the slide?

    • The slide represents your colon. See how it’s clean, clear, and happy?

      But no, to be fair to Gwyneth (?!), the DOO-DOO title was clearly photoshopped by the GoldenFiddlr folks (in case someone doesn’t get it). There’s a section on GOOP called “DO” and its little logo is the slide. The original one is here, but is not as, as you say in the blog biz, “comical”:

      • The differences between the “Doo-Doo Slide” and the “Do Slide” are negligible. They have both ruined playground equipment for me for the the rest of my life. How am I supposed to explain to my daughter someday that I can’t go down the slide with her because it would make me a metaphoric tox being de’d from Gwen Palt’s body?

        I think she just cleaner when she can make other people feel dirty.

  9. i’m waiting for the blind item about a female celebrity pooping juice all over herself while exercising.

  10. “Don’t forget to ask your doctor if a cleanse is right for you.”

    “Sorry, but as your doctor, I must inform you that you are not full of enough shit for this to be safe. That’s why Gwyneth can do it.”

  11. So I just clicked on that “GOOP” page. What the hell does “Nourish the inner aspect” mean? That’s just four random words stuck together (presumably stuck together with “goop” whatever the hell that is). Actually looking round the site, there’s so much wrong with it that this is tame.

  12. Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see

  13. How can she have a site named “GOOP” and not use the word “POOP” when it’s so called for?

  14. Watch this:

    Marry me, famous person.

  15. while obviously terrifying, this is my favorite progression of tags on a blog post, ever.

  16. Dave  |   Posted on Jul 9th, 2009 +7

    Oh, ModernMANdroid, if we could only flush you from our metaphorical system.

  17. Shouldn’t “Doo Doo” be the heading for every post on Goop?

  18. whoatom101  |   Posted on Jul 9th, 2009 +4

    This pretty much sums up my feelings…

  19. I have had a truly horrible day. But knowing that every day of GP’s life is horrible made everything a little better.

  20. When I saw the headline, I assumed it was a long essay about Duets, Running WIth Scissors, Sky Captain, Shallow Hal, Bounce, Posession, and A View From the Top.

  21. buenosueno  |   Posted on Jul 10th, 2009 -1

    is lindsay her ghostwriter now?

  22. That “assholes” tag is appropriate in more ways than one.

  23. five inches but its thick  |   Posted on Jul 12th, 2009 +1

    chris martin and paltry over here = DUETS DEUX

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