One thing that is strange about Internet culture is the ability of what seems like the entire organism (and, in reality, is really just the people you follow on Twitter, the blogs you read, and also maybe the entirety of Tumblr) to latch on to one star and rise him or her up as our Perfect Crush. Then, when you get to the outside world, you talk about the Internet’s Perfect Crush as if he or she is the World’s Perfect Crush and, somewhat often, the world seems kind of confused about why you would choose the weirdo from Sherlock as your perfect crush? When there are classically handsome, normal crushes to be had? And then you have to think: oh, right. I’m around OUTSIDERS. (Though, maybe that particular crush has, at this point, moved closer to the realm of Normal Crush? It’s hard to keep up!) But you can relax now, as you are around insiders (“insiders”) (featuring contributor Jenny Nelson!), and are free to discuss the crushes of 2013 that you hold deepest in your eHeart. (And also totally normal ones that 100% of everyone can agree on.) (We are only human, after all.)



Aaron Paul

Aaron Paul got married this year. It’s fine. We follow both Aaron Paul and his wife on Instagram. They seem very happy together and are basically always on vacation, which is our dream, but whatever. It’s fine.


Nick Kroll
Kroll Show premiered on Comedy Central this year, and it was very good. In it, Kroll plays a lot of different characters — some of them, for example, are 1/2 of two-person publicity firm PubLIZity, young Billy Joel, and a basketball ref with a big butt — and all of them are just so funny and great. He’s also good in The League (even if that show often makes us uncomfortable), which had its fifth season this year, he’s a talented standup, a welcome guest on both the TV and podcast version of Comedy Bang! Bang!, and he’s set to star in a movie produced by the Duplass Brothers! That’s so many things! And, well, he looks nice doing them! Great job, Nick Kroll, you deserve it!” – Jenny


Scarlett Johansson

Scarlett Johansson gave us two things this year: the quote “they give AHH-WAAADS fah movies!” from the Joseph Gordon-Levitt written-and-directed film Don Jon, which is quotable in more situations than you might think, and a reason to see Her if you don’t completely believe everyone when they tell you that Her is great and that you should see it. So, I guess, really this year’s “crush” AHH-WAAAD should go to Scarlett Johansson’s voice, but since we could not find a photo of her voice, she’ll have to split the AHH-WAAAD with her perfect outsides.


Michael B. Jordan
“Chances are Michael B. Jordan has been your crush ever since you saw him in Parenthood, or Friday Night Lights before that, or The Wire before that, or anything else that he has ever been in. (Including a stint on All My Children, apparently!?) So we don’t have to catch you up on too much. This year, though, Jordan’s starring role in the hit (very depressing and serious) movie Fruitvale Station is (I think/hope) generating awards-season buzz, and now he’s back in the spotlight! We’re okay with that, because he is our crush. Look at him!” -Jenny


Greta Gerwig

Greta Gewig has slowly been burrowing herself into our heart since her role in 2007′s Hannah Takes the Stairs, getting closer with 2012′s Damsels in Distress, and finally breaking all the way in with this year’s Fraces Ha, which she co-wrote with Noah Baumbach. She is a joy to watch, and a real star. And a real crush!


Kerry Washington

Although Scandal was around last year, too, this year was very much The Year Of Scandal And Also Kerry Washington. (She even managed to make SNL‘s “What Does The Fox Say” parody charming!) She has an intensely perfect face and has inspired countless “wearing white and drinking red wine” jokes across many get togethers.


Aidy Bryant
“The current SNL cast is full of crush-worthy comedians, but one of my personal favs is Aidy Bryant. On the show, she is consistently bringing the LOLs to every sketch she’s in. In real life, or at least based on what I’ve seen on the Internet, she seems very sweet and lovely and like she really gets along well with her fellow cast members. Another thing is that she’s always wearing very good dresses. Ladies, take note!” -Jenny


Jesse Eisenberg

Jesse Eisenberg’s Now You See Me was a movie that came out this year that, which, we have to be honest, we have not yet seen, but luckily that movie qualifies him for the crushes list, on which he is truly placed for his writing for McSweeney’s and the New Yorker! Shhhh! Don’t tell the judges!


Jena Malone
“Admittedly, I had kind of forgotten that Jena Malone was still acting because she hasn’t seemed to be around too much lately, until WHAM she shows up in The Hunger Games: Catching Fire and does an excellent job. I previously mostly knew Jena Malone as plain, suburban teen characters (Donnie Darko, Saved, etc.), so I liked seeing her play a troubled badass. She was one of my favorite parts of the movie, she stood out just as much as Jennifer Lawrence, and I hope she does more like this since she’s proven to be good at it! Also she’s very pretty.” -Jenny


Idris Elba

Obviously.


Benedict Cumberbatch

Obviously. Even with The Fifth Estate.

(Main image via Shutterstock.)

Comments (40)
  1. I’m not familiar with this Greta Gerwig, but I’d like to subscribe to her newsletter and also move in next door.

  2. I got a 2013 man crush on Christian Bale. Even fat and bald this son of a bitch is still handsome.

    • Even though I thought the movie was kind of meh, I didn’t think I could be more attracted to Christian Bale than I ever was and I surprised even myself (I blame it on the Amy Adams factor.)

  3. Oh look, it’s my dude and lady crushes of 2013!

    I cannot tell you how glad it makes me that Chiwetel is all over the place now because he has been the best for so long! And holy cow, Lupita Nyong’o was so good in that movie too but she gets bumped up to crush status because she is a red carpet hero who somehow manages to look perfect while wearing nutty things like bright purple lipstick and weird high fashiony dresses.

  4. Doesn’t every list of crushes legally need to include Jennifer Lawrence? I just don’t want anyone going to jail

  5. If anyone wants to read the Olivia Munn entry I wrote for this, please DM. Be warned though: it is 50,000 words long.

  6. He mends clothing, chops wood, loves booze and hates plastic waste and environmental nightmares. And he’s trying to stop the Rapture. Bonus: the actor playing him is charming and outspoken on Green Party causes!

  7. It’s posts like these where I really miss Steve Winwood.

  8. Random. Order.
    Tom. Servo.
    S.T.S.1.5.7. From. Gravity.
    Robot. From. Robot. And. Frank.
    Roomba. 8.80.
    Furby. Boom.
    I. Phone. 6. I.O. S. 8.

  9. 2013 was the year i was reminded that i have a huge crush on laverne & shirley-era penny marshall that i am not 100% comfortable with.

  10. Spiritual FMK:
    The Pope
    The Dalai Lama
    Xenu

  11. Agreed on Aidy Bryant. I haven’t seen such a compelling and magnetic comic personality since, oh, I don’t know, never!

    Well, at least since Ernest Borgnine retired.

  12. I’ve logged in on the mobile site to say that my 2013 crushes are British, very talented, and–despite what everyone thinks–overage.

  13. This is my crush, even if he made me cry yesterday:

    • I read a theory that the priestess was River in a different regeneration. That would make the mess that was the writing of that episode a lot less terrible.

  14. 2013 for me has been the year of my crushes on Jake Johnson, Richard Ayoade (I’m at least 5 years behind on this one) and Oscar Isaac, in no particular order (actually, in temporal order of commencement of obsession)

    • I was watching Big Fat Quiz of the Year 2013 and decided that my crushes are Dicky Ayoade and Kristen Schaal. I don’t want to have sex with them, but I should very much like to be the air separating them as they gently copulate.

  15. i’m quite pleased, but also… i don’t know why elizabeth olsen hasn’t been a shoe-in two years running :(

  16. Hey, everyone! What’s Tim Gunn? Chopped liver?

  17. WHO LEFT OUT TOM HIDDLESTON I DEMAND REPARATIONS

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