Um. Okay. Did everyone else die? NOT trying to be a jerk about Adam Levine’s win at all, I’m so happy for him and for his beautiful fiancée Behati Prinsloo, but I just want to make sure I write out the proper amount of condolences. Was it everyone? About how many people would you say that is? Adam Levine, staying true to the quotes one must give after learning he was named “Sexiest Man Alive,” remained humble-braggy about his win. From People:

He may be battling to be the winning coach on NBC’s hit series The Voice but Adam Levine has this year’s Sexiest Man Alive crown in the bag.

“As a musician, you have fantasies that you want to win Grammys, but I didn’t really think that this was on the table,” the singer tells PEOPLE in this week’s cover story. “I was just amazed and stunned and it almost seemed like they were kidding, but they weren’t, so that’s cool.”

Wait, why did it seem like they were kidding? Did they sound sarcastic? “Hey, look at People‘s Sexiest Man Alive over here. Oooooh, we gotta schedule you for your cover photo shoot, huh? People’s ‘SEXIEST man.’ Uh-huh. Try not to get trampled by the hoard of super horny women on your way out.” Hahah. “Adam, it’s your publicist or whoever it would be. We got you People‘s ‘Sexiest Man Alive.’ — Nah, just kidding. Talk to you later, man!” They weren’t, though, so that’s cool. Congratulations, Adam Levine! I’m sorry your win had to come under such sad circumstances!

Comments (43)
  1. Facetaco got robbed.

  2. Let’s suppose, for a moment, that his sheer good looks and raw sex appeal are the tops. Ok? Now, while we’re supposing this, let’s close our eyes and listen to some Maroon 5. Can these possibly be the sounds made by the sexiest man alive? I submit that they are not.

  3. WHAT?! What happened to those Vince Offer rumors?!

  4. I’m not sure if I know the meaning of the word “seductive” any more.

  5. While I disagree, I do think it’s pretty impressive that Adam Levine has been able to achieve so much despite the formidable challenge of having fucking stupid tattoos.

  6. It seems that everyone loves the Voice, so maybe they are just trying to cross market People magazine with America’s most popular show?

  7. I think it’s kinda dumb that we still put stock in this title anyway, but, on the other hand, hate the game, not the player, amirite? So, I respectfully submit this in support of this fabricated honor, because, let’s face it, the man is hot, so let’s not quibble about HOW hot.

  8. I always think these are silly since last year’s winner is (usually) still alive. SO obviously they were wrong somewhere. Up your game, People Magazine. Make this a highlander thing. THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!

  9. Adam Levine’s Publicist Sent People The Biggest Check This Year

  10. It’s so funny how there’s a furor over this every year lately! Was it always this way? I’m trying to remember the halcyon days of my childhood in the 90s when Clooney was winning every other year…

    That being said, I know that my taste in men runs towards the “attractive in a non-conventional, kinda weird, confusing way” (Cumberbatch, Hiddleston) but it’s like, have these people even SEEN Idris Elba? Or like, I don’t know, Ichabod? C’mon, People. COME ON.

    • I could be remembering wrong, but it did seem like they used to pick dudes who at least made sense from an “established star who’s having a huge career moment right now, definitely considered a heartthrob” kind of way. Then it started getting kind of random with guys who were either really new on the scene or hadn’t been doing anything recent.

    • They’re holding him for next month’s Sexiest God Eternal issue.

    • Well, I feel like the 90′s were kind of easy for them. I mean, a) you could still sell magazines and b) your list of super famouses would basically be the cast of Ocean’s 11 plus a few other guys who’s face on the cover always sold magazines. I can’t imagine anyone under 50 today actually purchasing a magazine they weren’t specifically subscribing to, let alone one that was basically a special edition listicle of hotties.

    • Um… JFK Jr. won every other year and no one said a word because it was TRUE. And then he would say it was bullshit and then use that as a platform to champion for rad causes.

      sigh.

      • I’m going to go way out on the no-homo limb and say thanks for posting this photo, because it shows exactly why Adam Levine annoys me. All I see in AdLev is a montage of expensive skin-care products and teams of stylists and publicists, set to terrible, soulless music. In contrast, JFK Jr might have been a rich prettyboy, but he also looks like he could fight off a small shark that came at you and then make us all a solid goddamn martini and think nothing of it. Adam looks like he could barely flee a shark and his diet allows him one drink per week, and it must be a kale smoothie. JFK Jr killed himself and his wife because he overestimated his ability to oppose God and Nature, and Adam Levine will die of over-lotioning at age 125 on a silk pillow surrounded by TV producers and image consultants. “I lived a good life, so that’s cool,” will be his last words.

        • When I see Adam Levine, I see a bunch of STDs pieced together in a human form.

          When I see JFK Jr., I drift off to my happy place – the magical island where he’s been living since 1999. Probably living off fish and vegetables and locally-cultivated berries and our love.

    • It’s especially weird to me when they do the 50 most beautiful people thing, and at least half of the winners are D-list celebrities no one’s heard of.

  11. Nope.

  12. Remember when Adam Levine got his arm ripped off in American Horror Story: Asylum? Pepperidge Farm remembers.

  13. Jake Johnson stiffed again.

  14. There is a small picture of Chris Hemsworth on the cover, so you got close People magazine!! (And yet, still so very far)

  15. This doesn’t bother me.

  16. No Benedict, No Peace.

  17. Your comments are getting a lot saltier these days, Kelly. And I like that.

  18. God, I knew there was a reason I couldn’t drag myself out of bed this morning.

  19. i’m just gonna assume that it was an unfortunate typo and they really meant Adam Devine.

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