When I think about what Brad Pitt smells like, I imagine that he smells like a kind of sweaty human tree. Not a tree that is a human, but if a pine tree (or something) could sweat like a human did, that is what I think Brad Pitt would smell like. Or, I guess I should say, that is what I used to think that Brad Pitt smelled like, UNTIL CATCHING STINKY WIND OF THIS BREAKING NEWS STORY! From The Enquirer:

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are now miles apart, working on separate projects. That’s a good thing because Brad has sworn off soap! And before they parted ways, Angelina complained that he stinks. Brad, who’s currently in England filming Fury, recently started using a homemade concoction of lemons, water and apple cider vinegar instead of soap, a source says.

“Brad says he’s read up on the toxins of soap – especially the antibacterial ones – and feels that using them and antiperspirants is not only bad for the planet, but it also speeds up the aging process in humans,” said an insider. “But Angelina was revolted, and their kids even started calling him ‘Stinky Daddy’. Angie agreed to humor him only as long as they weren’t on the same continent.”

Angelina told him he “smelled like a sheepdog,” and when they met up in Hong Kong, she managed to coax him into a bubble bath and warned him if he didn’t start scrubbing up soon, “he’ll be spending his honeymoon on the couch.”

Hahaha, “stinky daddy.” Uh, it’s called STINKY RESPECT AND YOUR STINKY DADDY DESERVES IT. Can you imagine being the tabloid writer who got to write this story?! Just kidding, I know that this was probably just reprinted from the Associated Press. But so anyway, lemons, water, and apple cider vinegar as something to spread on your body and then wash off sounds awful — ACV is legitimately one of my least favorite common smells — so why doesn’t he just use the kind of soap that he made in Fight Club? That seemed pretty natural, LOL. Did you know that Brad Pitt took soapmaking classes in order to prepare for that role? He did, I just read it! You think he’d use those to make real soap! Also he had his TEETH CHIPPED, AND THEN PUT BACK TOGETHER AFTER FILMING, SO TYLER DURDEN WOULD NOT HAVE PERFECT TEETH. What?! Wow! Brad Pitt, you guys! What a weirdo! #stinkydaddy #factsonly (Via Celebitchy.)

Comments (21)
  1. No Pitt/armpit puns? Is this your first day at tabloid writing school, tabloid writer?

  2. Brad, dude, you can get all-natural soaps, like, anywhere. They’re not even expensive. You’re a gazillionaire, you could buy out every natural soap shop on Etsy. Come on now.

  3. I had legitimately forgotten Brad Pitt was an actor until I watched World War Z this weekend. Maybe his smell was the reason no one wanted to tell him they forgot to film an ending for the movie?

    • I saw 12 Years a Slave this weekend and remembered why I don’t like Brad Pitt as an actor.

      • I love that Brad Pitt produced that movie and cast himself as basically the only not evil/useless white person.

      • Is it worth seeing? More specifically, given that my favorite movies are Die Hard and Good Will Hunting, should I see it?

        • It’s very good, but very brutal, so I think it will depend on your tolerance for feeling bad about everything. The heaps of praise it’s getting is well deserved (Brad Pitt, however, was distracting).

          • That’s a very helpful review. I have a very low tolerance for feeling bad about things, which is why I pretty much only watch action movies. I’ll give it a shot when it hits Redbox.

          • I’m glad! It’s not an easy film, but I’m glad I saw it.

            #dorkalert: this is the time period that I study, and I’ve read Solomon Northup’s book, so I knew what to expect plot wise. I do think, though, that it is amazing the way Steve McQueen was able to parse out the multitude of ways slavery breaks people down without being super didactic about it. He just lets things happen (until Brad Pitt comes along and explains it all. catweazle knows what I’m talking about!).

    • I saw World War Z last week and am pretty sure he’s the cause of the zombie apocalypse.

  4. I feel like I’ve read stories about him being an armpitt monster for a million years?

  5. I’m having a hard time focusing on Brad Pitt lately as the death of River Phoenix is coming up on its 20th anniversary on Thursday. Anyone else thinking about this lately?

  6. So when 2 or 3 of his kids grow up to be crustpunks with trust funds, they can just claim it’s how their dad raised them.
    But seriously, Dr. Bronner’s.

  7. Remember the story about Sheryl Crow only using one square of toilet paper per day? Celebrities can be pretty gross. #washyourself

  8. What does Doug Pitt smell like?

  9. Brad, something’s gonna kill you eventually. Let it be soap.

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