asteroids.jpg

They’re making a movie adaptation of the classic Atari videogame Asteroids? I don’t even have the energy or heart to look up how many “what, was Pong already taken” jokes have been made in the on-line blogopolis today, because I’m too busy ughing to death. I’ll just have to trust that it was a lot. Details on this really smart and completely surprising and uncharacteristic move on Hollywood’s part:

Universal has won a four-studio bidding war to pick up the film rights to the classic Atari video game “Asteroids.” Matthew Lopez will write the script for the feature adaptation, which will be produced by Lorenzo di Bonaventura.

As opposed to today’s games, there is no story line or fancy world-building mythology, so the studio would be creating a plot from scratch. Universal, however, is used to that development process, as it’s in the middle of doing just that for several of the Hasbro board game properties it is translating to the big screen, such as “Battleship” and “Candyland.”

Um…FOUR STUDIO BIDDING WAR?

Dear Earthquake That Is Supposed To Plunge California Into The Ocean,

Where are you?

Love,
My Eyes.

Of course, the producer Lorenzo di Bonaventura is also behind what will undoubtedly be this summer’s most interesting and well-made movie (perhaps of all time? Too early to tell) G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra. And nothing suggests that a movie will be great like comparing it to other really brilliant, super respectable seeming projects like Battleship and Candyland.

Whatever. I’m not the President of Entertainment (yet). It’s not my millions of dollars and industry-wide sense of integrity and self-respect at stake. An exclusive look at a scene from the upcoming Asteroids: The Videogame: The Movie after the jump.

INT. SPACESHIP – NIGHT(?)

CAPTAIN BRIAN stands from his captain’s chair and looks out through the windshield.

CAPT. BRIAN

You know what I hate? All these asteroids!

DAVE, the ship’s weapons specialist, approaches.

DAVE

Permission to fire at these asteroids, sir!

CAPT. BRIAN
Permission granted, soldier.

DAVE returns to his station and touches an illuminated screen.

DAVE

Enhance.

CAPT. BRIAN
Steady! Steady!

DAVE
Enhance.

DAVE AND CAPT. BRIAN
Pew! Pew pew! Pew pew pew pew!

Asteroids explode all around the ship. But one doesn’t explode because they missed and it hits them and they explode.

CUT TO:

EXT. ARLINGTON CEMETARY – DAY

It is raining. Everyone is buried in the cemetary because of how they died.

PRESIDENT MILEY CYRUS

These men gave their lives to blow up asteroids that were floating randomly through space. [Production note: Google Miley Cyrus lyrics and insert relevant, moving Cyrus lyric here.]

A Nickelback song plays.

Fandango, you guys. Beat the lines.

Comments (29)
  1. New low score!

  2. I hope it’s a film noir shot in black and white.

  3. cinemama  |   Posted on Jul 2nd, 2009 +12

    Where can I sign up to volunteer for your President of Entertainment campaign? Yes we can!

  4. hahaha…i would love if everything was all hi-tek action movie-esque inside the space ship or wherever, but everytime there is a battle, its just the old asteroids game with the music/sound fx

  5. Lorenzo di Bonaventura: Litter Lout #19

  6. Why don’t the other three studios just make movies involving asteroids that get blown up by a spaceship and not call it Asteroids? Considering THERE IS NO PLOT it’s gotta be kinda hard to sue someone for stealing the idea “Spaceship shoots asteroids”

  7. And yet I can’t sell my treatment of “Berzerk!” I even have Lorenzo Lamas on board to play the bouncing smiley-face guy.

  8. meh, i’ll wait for the “crystal castles” movie

  9. Jon  |   Posted on Jul 2nd, 2009 +13

    Am I the only one that thinks Battleship and Candyland movies are even more ugh-worthy than Asteroids? At least Asteroids has lazers and space.

  10. I’m more excited for the movie adaptation of the time that LeVar Burton was sitting on a couch in his home and was thinking about the dinner he had just eaten.

  11. Bored Games  |   Posted on Jul 2nd, 2009 +75

    “Some Will Rise. Others Will Fall.” – Chutes and Ladders – 2010

    • Congo Bongo: “It’s a jungle out there!”
      Yars’ Revenge: “Just remember… If you can shoot in, they can shoot out.”
      Combat: “War is hell.”

  12. Candyland: The Movie? Yes!!!

    The real question now is WHO WILL PLAY GLOOPY??

  13. I’m holding out for Q-Bert.

  14. Candyland: The Movie? Yes!!!

    The real question now is WHO WILL PLAY GLOOPY??

  15. I’m holding out for Q-Bert.

  16. Candyland: The Movie? Yes!!!

    The real question now is WHO WILL PLAY GLOOPY??

  17. Bored Games  |   Posted on Jul 2nd, 2009 +14

    “NOM NOM NOM” – Hungry Hungry Hippos – 2012

  18. I got a two liter of Shasta and my all Rush mixtape – lets do this!

  19. Why, Gwyneth Paltrow of course.

  20. Haha! Hollywood might as well make Super Mario Brothers into a mov – oh. Wait. Nevermind.

  21. Hollywood – Where my childhood goes to :(

  22. Asteroids vs. Tempest: A Vector Adventure

  23. Asteroids vs. Tempest: A Vector Adventure

  24. Wait a second. A little triangular ship traveling through an asteroid field shooting asteroids and periodically being shot by a fast moving little round ship? Anyone else think this is just a rip off of ‘The Empire Stikes Back’?

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