Guy Fieri is an incredibly successful garbage mouth with a dumpster body who wears wraparound sunglasses on the back of his grease-filled pufferfish head, has a problem with gay people, and a problem being around women without making lewd comments and staring at their boobs, which is all a long way of saying: Guy Fieri is the dream best friend. Oh the places we’d go! If we were friends! Probably a diner for two seconds, and then we’d slide on our greasy bellies to a cocaine strip club forever? I don’t know, but hedge-fund billionaire Steven A. Cohen does! From Page Six:

Embattled hedge-fund billionaire Steven A. Cohen, whose SAC Capital Advisors is charged with insider trading, paid spiky-haired chef Guy Fieri $100,000 “to be his friend for a day,” a new book reveals.

Cohen paid Fieri to drive around Connecticut with him to reenact a fantasy episode of “Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives,” reveals Allen Salkin in his book, “From Scratch: Inside the Food Network.”

But after “Cohen paid Guy Fieri $100,000 to be his friend for a day,” Salkin writes the odd couple became so close that the chef’s top-rated show even featured Cohen’s favorite hot-dog spot, the (perhaps appropriately titled) Super Duper Weenie.

What does “to reenact a fantasy episode of Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives” even mean, do you think? Did they reenact an episode that aired that became Steven A. Cohen’s fantasy, or did they just drive around to Steven A. Cohen’s favorite spots and pretend they were filming an episode of Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives, because that was his fantasy? “I just wanted so bad to see Guy Fieri shove this specific food into his face. I mean– I REALLY wanted it. This is my fantasy. I love my friend.” Cool fantasy! Cool friend! Glad you’re friends now! I’m sure you’re both perfect!! (Thanks for the tip, badideajeans!)

Comments (40)
  1. If you had to pay a celebrity $100k to be your friend for a day, who would you pick?

    I think I would pick Prince.

  2. “Salkin writes the odd couple became so close that the chef’s top-rated show even featured Cohen’s favorite hot-dog spot”

    What does this mean???

    • Both don’t know good food when they see it.

    • Cohen: “So what do you think of Super Duper Weenie?”

      Fieri: “What, is that a hot dog stand?”

      Cohen: “Yes, it’s great. In my opinion its the best hot dog stand in Fairfield County. We should totally go there.”

      Fieri: “Welp, you are paying me lots of money, so sure what the hell.”

      LATER:

      Cohen: “See? This Dixie dog is spicy and delicious! And isn’t it cool how they do a swirly chocolate and vanilla shake?”**

      Fieri: “And I see that the place is already quite popular and filled to capacity. I’m going to put this on my show and fuck everything up!”

      Cohen: “Excellent! You’re the best friend I ever had!”

      ** This is true. Exit 25 off of I-95 in CT, yo.

  3. That is a just waste of $100,000 and an afternoon.

  4. My feelings upon reading this story are like a layer cake of sadness frosted with sweet laughter.

  5. The Guyfriend Experience

  6. But what is $100k to a billionaire really, guys. We could still find out he lost a billionaire’s club bet and break Guy Fierri’s heart. (But by then he will have fallen in bro-love with him for real and he’ll have to surprise him at Vegas hot dog cart prom to prove it.)

  7. I want to be funny, always, but this whole situation just pisses me right off.

    • I thought of something funny to say: Fuck both these people, fuck money, fuck Super Duper Weenie (even though I’m sure they did nothing to deserve this except have a ridiculous stupid name), and fuck our society for making this something that a) anyone would do, and b) anyone would get press coverage for.

      Just make a goddamn friend or take an employee to Super Duper Weenie for $4 like a fucking human being, you assholes.

  8. This is the most depressing thing I’ve ever read.

  9. jokes on him, the guy from Smash Mouth would’ve done this for $50.

  10. This is without a doubt the saddest money Guy Fieri has ever made.

  11. paying $100k to hang out with guy fieri for the day is like not having your cake and then diarrheaing it too

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