Listen, crooks. We’ve put up with your nonsense for far too long — giving us rotten deals, stealing our packages, robbing banks, taking our Sunday New York Times, accepting our dinner delivery from the dinner delivery man as if you were the one who ordered it, pretending to work at a store and when someone pays pretending to put the money in the register but actually putting the money in your own personal money bag, trying to get us in on pyramid schemes, stealing our dogs, coming into our homes and looking around for loose cash, putting on our clothes and pretending to be us with a fake voice, pulling off heists — each heist larger and more elaborate than the last. For years you’ve done your crook business without hesitation, and maybe it’s our fault for not stopping you, but this is the final straw. Steal gold from a billionaire’s secret gold shelter, sure. Stuff money down your shirt and pretend to be a pregnant lady so the cops don’t catch on, of course. But you do not — YOU NEVER — steal a seven foot Gumby statue from the yard of a nice older couple. YOU’VE GONE TOO FAR, CROOKS! AND DON’T YOU THINK FOR A SECOND THAT YOU’LL GET AWAY WITH IT!

Aww. Come home, Gumby. So kids can come and look at you, hopefully with an adult. Just please come home. (Via Arbroath.)

Comments (20)
  1. It seems like a stretch to get bent out of shape over this.

  2. I’m Gumby, dammit.

  3. Why would anyone steal Gumby but leave that giant cucumber???? Also, great B-roll footage, CNN. How is it possible that your ratings are slipping?

  4. I don’t feel too bad because I spotted a giant cucumber and giant adirondack chair in the background that I’m sure can help ease the pain. You still have 2/3 of your giant lawn decorations!! Cheer up, guy!

  5. I can just imagine those crooks in their crook basement, looking at the useless giant statue they now have but can’t display, and thinking “Yes, this was totally worth it.”

  6. I feel sorry for this couple but this is just what happens when you build a tribute to a known criminal.

  7. so how long does it take for that little gumby to reach the size of the one that was stolen

  8. I just updated my resume the other day and random recruiters keep contacting me for weird jobs like financial adviser in Arizona, so I joked to my friend that I should write a fake resume of long and short-cons based entirely upon movies and TV shows and while using the weird names these recruiters keep using in terrible emails and then go to Arizona and start my life as a grifter / financial adviser. I was pretty sure it would be the perfect crime… until I saw this.

  9. Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see

  10. Crooks stole our food in a drive through recently. Yes, our order sounded fucking delicious, and that is why we ordered it. Who just takes someone elses food when asked if that is their order. You could have just ordered it yourself two minutes ago if it sounded so good. :(

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