You’re reminded of life’s uncertainty daily — the train doesn’t run on its normal route, your friend announces that she is leaving your city for a city across the country, the government is just straight up shut down forever. The world can pull the rug out from under you, and does so frequently, but the falls never really get easier to handle. At least that’s how it feels this morning. After about a month of resting easy with the knowledge that Sons of Anarchy star Charlie Hunnam would be the one to bring Christian Grey to life in the film version of the Twilight fan sex fiction novel Fifty Shades of Grey, it looks like we will all have to return to our angry-faced, sleepless tossing and turning. Does Billy Corgan have some sort of crystal ball or something?! From EW:

Sons of Anarchy star Charlie Hunnam will no longer play Christian Grey in the film version of Fifty Shades of Grey. According to a statement from the studios behind the film, “The filmmakers of FIFTY SHADES OF GREY and Charlie Hunnam have agreed to find another male lead given Hunnam’s immersive TV schedule which is not allowing him time to adequately prepare for the role of Christian Grey.” …

Fifty Shades of Grey author E L James responded briefly on Twitter: “I wish Charlie all the best. x,” she wrote. (It’s unclear whether her tweet 17 minutes before that one was related: “Okay girls and boys – hold on to your hats – it’s about to get serious…”)

NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Or: YESSSSSSSSSSSSSS! Lots of fans were upset that Charlie Hunnam was cast in the role of Mr. Grey because, uh, I don’t know why. Charlie Hunnam looks nothing like the handsome stranger they see at the grocery store sometimes who bears a striking resemblance to how they imagined Christian Grey, maybe? Who knows. All I know is that 1. The world is a vampire (you can’t repeat it enough), 2. Life is garbage, 3. How much more does God think we can handle? 4. Charlie Hunnam looks like Spencer Pratt in this photo, 5. We have to immediately return to figuring out who should take on the role of Christian Grey. Just like in Greek mythology, how the blogger Sisyphus was forced to forever think of actors who could play a role he knew nothing about from a book he never read for a movie adaptation that he would never see. Greek mythology is Twilight. What? I don’t know! Should Spencer Pratt just play him?!

Comments (28)
  1. I saw my mom and dad this weekend. My mom was very upset about this news. She was telling me yesterday all about it and then she was like “Why haven’t you read the books, yet?” and my dad rolled his eyes and we mentally high fived.

  2. My inner goddess is weeping.

  3. Guys. GUUUYYS. I am reading these books because I thought it was hypocritical to criticize them without knowing the source material. GUYYYYYYS. IT IS TERRIBLE. IT IS WORSE THAN I EVER IMAGINED. IT IS A BURRITO MADE OF SADNESS AND HORROR AND AWKWARD SEX SCENES AND QUITE A BIT OF INFANTILIZATION AND IS AWFUL. Don’t do this. Don’t, Just don’t.

    Also there is no criticism too heavy handed to lodge against this. Good on you Hunnam. Run, faster and further than you’ve ever ran before.

    • Ha, that’s exactly what I thought. Charlie Hunnam read the book and phoned his agent and was like, “get me out of this. I don’t care what you have to do”.

      Et voila: immersive TV schedule. Run like the wind, kiddo.

    • I tried to read them for the same reason, and I just couldn’t do it. I thought surely SOME of the criticism had to be exaggerated, but, nope! I felt like if I kept going, my eyeballs would literally start to bleed.

      I like to imagine that Charlie signed on before reading the books, then settled down with them one evening, all eager to prepare for his new role, and was slowly like “…Oh god. Oh no. No no no. What have I done.”

      • That pretty much has to be it. Like, the script pages he got weren’t so bad, but then. BUT THEN.

        Also ladyrainicorn, I think we should start a support group, where we can just sit in rocking chairs and stare at the wall and think about how we’ve seen turrible things. (these books)

        • I guess I should’ve realized what I was getting into when I opened the book and a ghostly visage rose from its pages, uttered a forlorn shriek, and flew off into the night.

        • …can I join if I only made it through the first two before declaring (a short lived, because I’m weak) FRIENDSHIP OFF to those who talked me into this nonsense in the first place?

          I can bring cookies (to help us forget the horror).

    • Ugh, those books. Those terrible, terrible books. I was at the beach last year and my mom and all my sisters read them and we just sat around the whole trip talking about what awful garbage they were. It was fun!

      • I was at the library last week near the circulation desk and these girls came in – they were probably in their late teens – and asked if they had “Fifty Shades Freed.” Like didn’t even try looking it up on the catalogue computers, just walked straight up to the two dudes working the circulation desk and flat out asked if they had it. The two desk bros were trying really hard to be professional (successfully!), but I’m pretty sure my face was a mask of horror.

      • One night, we were bored, so my husband did a dramatic reading of one of the more horrifying sex scenes while his best friend performed an accompanying interpretive hand puppet show. And we laughed and laughed. I highly recommend it as a Best New Party Game, whenever you’re bored and feeling slightly down. It’ll lift your spirits immediately!

    • I read the plot synopsis on Wikipedia for the first book after hearing about how capital R Risque it was supposed to be. And I kept thinking, “Okay, so when does it get SCANDALOUS???” And I kept reading and kept thinking that it seemed like an entire book of awkward and poorly conceived porno setup, minus the porn. I didn’t even care about finding out if it got Risque or anything in book 2. The first book seemed so blahhh that I couldn’t even be bothered to read a few paragraphs on Wikipedia to find out what happens afterwards. IT MADE THE LAZY WAY OUT SEEM LIKE TOO MUCH WORK. Because of this, I feel justified in shitting on it despite having not read any of the actual book.

      • I think it’s only scandalous because so many people have said it’s scandalous. Only read the first one (well, as much as I could manage, because you know, War & Peace still needs finishing) but I think the only scandal is how relentlessly bad it is.

  4. Maybe it’s just time to stop?

  5. Ben Affleck is calling his agent right now trying to get “the Hunnam deal.” (That’s the deal where you get out of doing a movie when the internet doesn’t want you to do it.)

  6. I didn’t read all of that so, what, Billy Corgan is in the dumb Twilight sex movie now? I’m in

  7. Spencer Pratt & Courtney Stodden. The stars this garbage writing deserves.

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