Dear Entourage fans,

The cast and crew at Entourage would like you to know that we will never stop regurgitating lukewarm rehashes of the first season of our show. Here we are, five years later, and everything is exactly the same. “No it’s not, Turtle has a girlfriend.” Sure. Keep telling yourself that. The fact of the matter is that we don’t have the courage or the creativity to take this show anywhere even remotely meaningful, or even just interesting, and so we will continue to blast your face with colorful pool parties and the ever elusive promise of casual sex. More importantly, we don’t have the respect for you, the viewer, to offer you something new or compelling. What we do have is complete faith in your inability to actively discern between good and bad entertainment, and if the checks keep rolling in then why would we stop? Ever? We will keep pretending like Vince is ever on the verge of superstardom with absolutely no dramatic stakes or emotional investment for the rest of human history. The Earth’s sun will implode and send down a fiery darkness of unimaginable hell eliminating all life as we know it in a supernuclear Apocalypse before we take this show in a single new direction. Your great-great-great-grandchildren will be futuresitting around drinking spacebeer on their hoverchairs and wondering whether Johnny Drama will ever escape from his more famous brother’s shadow or if E can really be serious in a relationship long after your buried body has desiccated and collapsed and returned to the dust from which you came.

Fuck you forever,
Entourage.

Comments (30)
  1. Usually Gabe would sign these letters as Lindsay Robertson, but now, it just doesn’t seem right… :(

    • Also, I realize that this letter is from “Entourage,” but just the whole open letter thing makes me sentimental…okay, I’ll stop, happy thoughts!

  2. Turtle  |   Posted on Jun 30th, 2009 +24

    No it’s not, I have a girlfriend.

  3. I’d say Entourage is Sex and the City for guys, but I am fairly sure Sex and the City has a story arc of some kind somewhere in between all those ovaries.

  4. The only way this series could turn itself around is if it turns into a dark tale of a washed-up has been heartthrob. Drug addiction, alcoholism, humiliating TV cameos and paparazzi chasing around a desperate Vince, eager to witness the train wreck. Cut the fantasy bullshit and show ‘em what really fucking happens in Hollywood.

  5. I’m mostly embarrased to admit that when I first started watching this show, the fact that they left out all the little climaxes made me really excited. It was like a mystery! But then I grew up and stopped being positive.

  6. hitintheheadwithrocks  |   Posted on Jun 30th, 2009 0

    Obamas fav

  7. I recommended Videogum to a friend today (who happens to loooooooooooove Entourage so much that he married it) and now he is no longer my friend. Gabe, thank you for helping me to weed out the riff raff.

  8. Not even having the entire cast get “Mercury Poisoning” (that means a chronic case of lazy-assholitis, yes?) would make this show remotely compelling. I’d rather deprive myself of oxygen for 30-minutes than watch an episode, which I incidentally suspect would cause far less brain damage.

  9. sarah palin  |   Posted on Jun 30th, 2009 +6

    Realistically though, what could they possibly do with this show to make it interesting? The premise itself is pretty damn limited. I suppose if they went all the way with the “Vince fails at succeeding” plot line and showed him giving out $5 blowjobs or something that would be kind of interesting, but wouldn’t make ‘the base’ very happy.

  10. The series finale could make up for all this. We find out that the entire show existed inside the mind of Vinnie “The Turtle” Chiacarelli, a small potatoes drug-dealer on an 8 year bid in Sing-Sing, as a form of escape from the daily rapings and beatings. As the camera pulls back, we see a white power skinhead, played by Eric Connolly, shiv Vinnie in the gut. As the life starts draining from his eyes, the Entourage theme begins to play and Vinnie smiles wistfully, dreaming that he’s banging Isabel Lucas in the back of a stretch Hummer, before he passes on.

  11. Entourage is a ))<>(( of its own plot devices/cliches, and has been for 3 whole seasons.

    I thought this show was supposed to mirror Mark Wahlberg’s life/career, and it probably did on some superficial level the first season. Then it morphed into this faux-perception we all have of how Hollywood works, but we don’t know how Hollywood works, its infinitely more interesting than how its portrayed. It has absolutely no semblance of reality at all.

    Fuck you Entourage. You’re a fucking joke.

  12. watching Entourage is sort of like masturbating with your pants on. Everything feels good for a minute, but then you realize that you’re just stupid for even trying.

  13. “Fuck you forever” is my new signature on gmail.

  14. Have him become a scientologist?

  15. turtleneck  |   Posted on Jun 30th, 2009 +3

    Looks like Gabe needs a visit from the “Pussy Patrol”

    Hell, it worked in Episode 17, Season 2:
    The situation gets worse when an influential Internet journalist starts asking questions about the co-stars’ old fling, and Vince abruptly ends the interview.

    Drama’s acquaintances – a group of porn-stars turned comic heros — finally manage to turn the angry journalist around. After a visit from the Pussy Patrol, he deems Vince the perfect Aquaman.

  16. Entourage is Arliss: The Next Generation

  17. I’m probably rehashing a joke, but: Let’s ugh it out.

  18. haha  |   Posted on Jun 30th, 2009 0

    futuresitting

  19. Roberto  |   Posted on Jul 1st, 2009 0

    Wow. So much hate for this show. Given the piles of stinking garbage on telelvision. If this is not a show to enjoy, can someone suggest a current television show that I can look forward to?
    I like the office. Arrested Development and The Wire are both done. So what is so good that Entourage gets hated to hard? I can’ think of anything other than the office or entourage that i am looking forward to.

    • herrorara  |   Posted on Jul 1st, 2009 0

      Umm, Dexter, Weeds, Party Down? Hell, HBO even has FOTC (albeit season 2 was weak compared to Season 1, which may just be my favorite season if anything, ever). I assume The Real Housewives of NJ has more realistic “drama” than this pile of butt mustard.

  20. k42  |   Posted on Jul 1st, 2009 -2

    I think Gabe is half right. It’s not a show that’s just rehashed season 1 four more times, but it is a show that took it’s sweet ass time during five seasons getting Vince back to the point where season 1 began. This trailer doesn’t really suggest that it’ll go anywhere new, and that kinda pisses me off too. I think they could go a lot of places with this premise (the concept of someone in Hollywood actually putting friendships before his/her career could make sense as an fish out of water/authenticity story), but they’ve made it a Hollywood circle jerk instead.

    That said, I like this show. It’s a comedy, and the dialogue hilariously caricatures masculinity. I’ll get bored with it soon if it doesn’t go someplace new, but so far I’ve been OK with the low bar it has set for itself.

    But I like True Blood, too, so.

  21. Advocate  |   Posted on Jul 3rd, 2009 0

    On the issue of how Entourage is actually quite accurate;

    “Many insiders call it the most accurately nuanced satire of the entertainment industry since the 1992 HBO comedy ‘The Larry Sanders Show.’ ”
    http://www.nytimes.com/2005/09/05/arts/television/05agen.html

    or, if you feel so inclined, find the June 19, 2006 article by UPI (in their archives) confirming similar comments from the article above…I would, but their website is not cooperating at this time.

    But regardless of other articles (by better writers) providing another opinion as a basis of my comment… the fact of the matter is, validity and accuracy of this show upon the industry it projects is an unrelative arugement. Why? Because it is a show (and a satirical one at that), and as with any show or movie (unless it is a documentary) the objective is to entertain. It may not enterain you specifically, but as long as they continue to entertain enough people every season then they are successful.

    So Gabe, as a blogger on media continue to express your dislike of the show, but understand that you not of the populous and secondly, that your suggestion of inaccuracy is lacking any credibility and moral you have no ethos upon anything you have written.

  22. Advocate  |   Posted on Jul 3rd, 2009 0

    On the issue of how Entourage is actually quite accurate;

    “Many insiders call it the most accurately nuanced satire of the entertainment industry since the 1992 HBO comedy ‘The Larry Sanders Show.’ ”
    http://www.nytimes.com/2005/09/05/arts/television/05agen.html

    or, if you feel so inclined, find the June 19, 2006 article by UPI (in their archives) confirming similar comments from the article above…I would, but their website is not cooperating at this time.

    But regardless of other articles (by better writers) providing another opinion as a basis of my comment… the fact of the matter is, validity and accuracy of this show upon the industry it projects is an unrelative arugement. Why? Because it is a show (and a satirical one at that), and as with any show or movie (unless it is a documentary) the objective is to entertain. It may not enterain you specifically, but as long as they continue to entertain enough people every season then they are successful.

    So Gabe, as a blogger on media continue to express your dislike of the show, but understand that you not of the populous and secondly, that your suggestion of inaccuracy is lacking any credibility and moreover you have no ethos upon anything you have written.

  23. Advocate  |   Posted on Jul 3rd, 2009 0

    *(sorry for the double post…internet froze and I didnt think it went through)

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