WHAT was THAT?

Going into Transformers 2 this weekend, I had every expectation that it was going to be loud, stupid, and very very long. But for the first 30 minutes or so, I was on board. Sure, it was loud and stupid from the very beginning, but we knew that going in. So there was some pleasure to be taken in just resigning oneself to the experience. “This is so dumb that it’s almost reverse-dumb,” I thought during those first 30 minutes.

The problem is that the movie didn’t end after those first 30 minutes. It went on for another 900 hours. And that’s where it fell apart.

First of all, huh? Admittedly, I’m not very smart, but I feel like I’m usually capable of following the plot of movies made for a 10-year-old audience, which is what a movie based on Hasbro toys is, right? This is for children? Well maybe they can explain to me what that movie was even the fuck about. The Auto-bots are now working for the United States government* to help defend humankind from the Decepticons, who are hiding in China? And all of the knowledge of the robot races is now in Shia LaBeouf’s mind, because he touched a piece of a thing, and his mind includes a map to the key to a machine to destroy the sun? Because one time the robots tried to destroy the sun but then they got in a fight because even though all of them helped build the machine to destroy the sun, a few of them realized that maybe destroying the sun was TOO MEAN. So they decided to hide behind a painting. Also, Shia LaBeouf’s dad knows that he is a man now? Also, the key is that Dumbo doesn’t need his magic feather? The machine is in a pyramid? The United States has a secret rail gun that is Top Secret but was built to shoot robots off of pyramids? I don’t know! I’m doing my best here but they keep changing the rules!

Like, now it turns out that being an Auto-bot or being a Decepticon is a choice? And I thought that they destroyed the All-Spark in the last movie, but it turns out you can’t destroy the All-Spark. That is convenient. Why am I still saying All-Spark? I am an adult! Speaking of adults and having to write the word All-Spark as if that’s a thing, how about the Matrix of Leadership. WHAT? That was probably the part of the movie that made me the most angry. Do not expect me to sit here and believe that there is a thing called the Matrix of Leadership that will turn on a machine to destroy the sun. Do not do that. Because I refuse! Matrix of Leadership. FUCK YOU. I PAY TAXES. That made me even madder than the centuries old Auto-bot who somehow managed to disguise himself as an ANCIENT B2 BOMBER. What? Careful, he farts parachutes.

OH, OH, OH, AND LET’S ALSO TALK ABOUT ISABEL LUCAS.

Very pretty! She might actually be even hotter than Megan Fox, although judging by the breathless tones in which the teenage nerd siting next to me said “Incredible!” when Megan Fox first appeared on screen, I could be wrong. But more importantly, since when have the Transformers possessed TERMINATOR TECHNOLOGY? They’re just Terminators now? And how come the Isabel Lucas Terminator Transformer spent, like, two days seducing Shia LaBeouf? She even pretended to get mad at him after the frat party. Why? Why waste all that time with seduction when you could be turning into a robot and straight killing him no problem? And at the very least, why bother taking off your Terminator pants?

Not that she was even the most problematic robot. No, the most problematic robots were the two black robots who couldn’t read, one of whom had a gold tooth. A lot has already been said about these guys. Some people have suggested that this might be racist. Really? MIGHT BE? “But how could it be racist if the black actors who did the voices for the robots weren’t bothered by it?” I don’t know, ask their new swimming pool.

I did like how Michael Bay worked Shia LaBeouf’s hand injury into the script. “You hurt your hand in the magical teleportation we just turned into a thing that robots can do.” Roll on the sand and say ouch. Clever girl.

And yet people were enjoying this movie! During some of the climactic battle scenes they were cheering. CHEERING! The little boy to my left who was there with his mom was going nuts when Optimus Prime would beat one of the other robots–as if I’m supposed to keep track of who these robots are? Please–and that was totally fine. He was 10. But most of the people joining in his enthusiasm were adults. The audience deflated when Optimus Prime died because they were apparently really invested emotionally in the well being of a CGI robot made out of a truck who talked like an automated customer service operator, but they were practically on their feet when he came back to life, as if there was ever any tension in that dull dramatic arc straight line. Shia LaBeouf was like “it’s going to work,” and Megan Fox was like, “but what if it doesn’t work” and Shia LaBeouf was like “it’s going to work.” And guess what, it worked. People went crazy when Optimus Prime pulled the spines out of other robots, and punched through their chests, crushing their robo-hearts in his robo-fists. Sure. Except if we are really to believe that these are all sentient beings, then Optimus Prime is basically a sociopath.

But the absolute worst was when, after what honestly felt like a nine-hour-long climax in Egypt, when the good guys finally beat the bad guys and TURN OFF THE MACHINE THAT WAS GOING TO DESTROY THE SUN (phew!) and this very long movie’s “important” conflict is finally resolved, two of the bad robots look at their dead boss robot and say “this isn’t over.” OH REALLY? It’s not that I wasn’t fully expecting a third Transformers movie, but you could have waited 30 seconds before completely negating everything that I just watched as an inconsequential blip in the narrative. “Let’s call a mulligan on this one, robots.”

I wish I was a Transformer so that I could turn into a gun and put myself in my own mouth. (That is what she said!)

Boo.

*Transformers 2 would have made more sense if it came out the same year as Transformers 1 because the idea of George W. Bush running a secret military program of Transformers makes sense. Now, though, the idea of Barack Obama having high-level Defense Department meetings about Optimus Prime just makes me mad.

Comments (84)
  1. krink  |   Posted on Jun 29th, 2009 +36

    The most important/worst part you forgot. . . The part where Shia goes to Robot Heaven. Worst movie ever. Please add the immediately to the search for the worst movie list.

  2. TRANSFORMERS 3: KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL

  3. I hear this was just great.

    • I don’t care what you say, there is no way I live in a world where this is a “hit movie” that makes “100′s of millions of $” no sir.

  4. HalIncandenza  |   Posted on Jun 29th, 2009 +17

    What about the gem of a scene at the frat house when Shia’s car/friend arrives and the frat guy is all WTF and Shia has to cover and say:

    SHIA
    I need to go out and find you a… tighter shirt.

    And the frat guy (who’s in what I presume to be a very clammy, very tight, shirt) has a friend come out and say

    FRIEND
    Hey! There aren’t any shirts tighter than this! We’ve checked! (*fist bump*)

    Or what about the dogs humping each other in the first scene. No wait, the FIRST scene was 10,000 B.C. Nvm. Or Shia’s mom eating pot brownies. Or a baby robot humping Megan Fox’s leg. Or when Vincent Chase tazered himself in his Charlie Browns. Or when someone, looking at Optimus Prime asked,

    SOMEONE
    If God made us in his image, then who made him?

    Right?

    • nicole  |   Posted on Jul 5th, 2009 +3

      no joke, every single line of dialouge in this movie was like….what?
      “Do you want my foot up your ass?”
      “I dunno, what size shoe do you wear?”

  5. On the bright side, there’s no Hot Rod to turn into Roddimus Prime. That’s a bright side, right?

  6. Racistgum.com alert: I think by “black actors,” you mean “one white actor.”

    http://chud.com/articles/articles/19917/1/TRANSFORMERS039-LITTLE-BLACK-SAMBOTS/Page1.html

    Yikes.

    • Oh no! That’s Tom Kenny, the voice of Spongebob and several characters from Rocko’s Modern Life and the Powerpuff Girls! I used to love that guy(‘s voices) but now I just don’t know. Yuck, racism.

    • The best part of that article was when the writer basically flat out said: “We didn’t want to have two racist black stereotype robots, but Michael Bay was really, really insistent that we have two racist black stereotype robots.” Like Michael Bay needed any more reasons for being the absolute worst.

  7. Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see

    • Here’s why my dad had to see this movie (re: my comment above) for work, it’s kind of long (and copied and pasted from my Tumblr) but it’s pretty funny:

      My dad works for a military contracting company that sells a special kind of tank to the US army (as well as other armies) that detects roadside bombs. In the original Transformers movie (which came out before my dad worked there) the tank was used as Bonecrusher?s alternate form. In the movie, Bonecrusher and Optimus Prime had a chase scene on the highway. In this movie Bonecrusher was only in it for a few seconds as a tank that drove out of the meteor smoke near the end, when the satellite Decepticon sent the reinforcements. Because Transformers 2 was coming out, Hasbro sent hundreds of copies of Bonecrusher toys to my dad?s company, for their review. It would be super expensive to make tiny models of their tanks to give to clients, so instead my dad just gives them the Bonecrusher toy.

      But there?s a problem with this: Federal law prohibits you from giving government employees gifts that are over $20, and Bonecrusher only comes in a 2 pack with Optimus Prime, which is just over $20 by itself (or at least, it looks expensive enough to make the clients nervous about accepting it). So my dad has to separate Optimus Prime from Bonecrusher to devalue the gift.

      But then a new problem arises: Hasbro used to package Transformers as cars, but they found that after the movie was released the Transformer toys sold better if they were packaged as their robot forms. If my dad just gave a client the box, it would make sense that they?re in robot form, because they?re still in the box. But because my dad has to take them out of the box, he also has to transform them into the tank, or else it?d look weird. He?s given this to over 100 potential clients and colleagues, so he?s had to transform Bonecrusher over 100 times, and he?s had to find a way to get rid of over 100 Optimus Primes. He said he fucking hates Optimus Prime, which is understandable.

      My dad is like 50 and he?s a retired colonel and a lot of his time at his high paying job is spent transforming transformers.

      • the Army gives out toy Transformers to potential clients?? George W ain’t your President anymore–wake up!! you don’t need to do this, American Army.

        also, this might be Michael Bay having one of his fantasies again.

        • He said it’s a contracting company so it’s not the army. Having been an “evil lobbyist” in a past job I can vouch for BradOFarrell’s account. My firm represented Space Camp so we had tons of model Saturn V rockets made to give to clients and potential clients.

          In the real world people have to do shit like this. It’s been going on since way before W and it will keep on going. It’s not any different than a salesman taking potential clients to dinner or handing out gifts. It’s how deals get done. People love free shit and attention. I hated it so I got out but there’s nothing wrong with it.

    • frontwards  |   Posted on Jun 29th, 2009 +36

      There needs to be a name given to this argument. Just because it’s a given that it shouldn’t be judged by “normal movie standards” doesn’t give it an excuse to be as shitty as it is. If you were complaining about the plumbing in your house being broken and asbestos poisoning, I wouldn’t say “well it’s got four walls, doesn’t it? It’s got a roof, right? What are you complaining about?”

    • zach  |   Posted on Jun 29th, 2009 +45

      Did you have to temporarely retard your brain when you watched Star Trek? or The Dark Knight? How about Jaws or Raiders of the Lost Ark? I’m not expecting Shakespeare or anything but I do expect an coherant storyline, coherant action, humor that isn’t of the toilet variety, characters I actually give a shit about. Is that too much to ask for?

    • Enough  |   Posted on Jun 29th, 2009 -2

      Great. Fucking keyboard cat guy likes fucking Transformers and expects people to care because he gave us the keyboard cat. The movie is horrible. Get over it.

  8. “…the breathless tones in which the teenage nerd siting next to me said “Incredible!” when Megan Fox first appeared on screen…”

    Why wasn’t Harvii at the premiere of this as Megan Fox’s plus one, I wonder?

  9. daniel  |   Posted on Jun 29th, 2009 +27

    You forgot to mention the part where the butcher from New York ordered the use of the rail gun because he was once in a secret military unit that nobody ever heard of.
    Also the part where that same butcher said to the sr-71 blackbird (not a b2 bomber, sorry gabe I had to because facts) and here I will quote, “beginning middle and end, give me the story, give me the plot.” Now this was an almost two hours into the movie and I think what happened was the screen writers (is that word appropriate? Maybe it was seth mcfarlane, or perhaps some manitees) were like isnt this movie cool, so much stuff gets blowed up… OHHHHHHHH SHIT… We forgot to tell a story, quickly have that old irish robot with the cane who farts parachutes “explain” (sarcastic face emoticon) everything.
    Also I dont think anyone who worked on this movie has ever been to college. In Dwight Schrute’s (because yeah) classroom (really?) where he was teaching astronomy 101, he had drawn a picture of the sun with chalk and next to it written the sun. Now I’m no fucking astronomer but I can recognize the fucking sun. Come on.
    That is all.

    • zach  |   Posted on Jun 29th, 2009 +2

      Did you have to turn your brain off at the door when you watched Star Trek? or The Dark Knight? How about Jaws or Raiders of the Lost Ark? I’m not expecting Shakespeare or anything but I do expect an coherant storyline, coherant action, humor that isn’t of the toilet variety, characters I actually give a shit about. Is that too much to ask for?

      • daniel  |   Posted on Jun 29th, 2009 +10

        Are you asking me? Because if you are the answer is no. My brain is on permanent vacation after being forced to see Screaminator: Yellvation.

  10. Some random thoughts on the movie:

    The first line of Optimus? voice-over is, ?Earth, birthplace of humanity?? Well, no shit, Optimus!

    If you are a super advanced alien robot attempting to stop an evil race of robots, why the hell are you disguised as an ice cream truck?! And they were in China, so why were the words on the ice cream truck in English if he?s supposed to be in disguise?

    Apparently little robots fart fire, big jet robots fart parachutes. Brilliant!

    Every girl who goes to an east coast college is extremely hot.

    Apparently, it?s broad daylight all over the world at the same time.

    Why the hell do the Autobots have two special-needs bots anyway? What kind of operation are they running?

    There are cool Autobots, yet we?re stuck with Amos and Andy shucking and jiving it up? Yeesh. But hey, they called Bumblebee the N-word, so that?s funny I guess?

    To be fair, they weren?t that racist. The random guy at Turturro?s deli with the grotesque buck teeth ? now that guy was a racist caricature. Also Tyrese got like 4 or 5 lines, not bad.

    If you cut out many of the shots of soldiers in slow-motion, tanks rolling out, random generals barking orders in front of monitors, and helicopter shots of aircraft carriers, the movie could probably lose a good 30 minutes or more.

    Every character is comedy relief, yet none are funny. Turturro; the extremely annoying, superfluous roommate; the Stepin Fetchit bots; humping Joe Pesci-bot; Sam?s parents?so much bad comedy.

    Actually, you know a movie is lousy when you do 2 things: 1) despite being one of the more annoying characters in the first movie, you?re relieved when Turturro shows up, and 2) you?re saddened when one of the comic relief bots ISN?T killed.

    I had no idea there was a vast airfield and mountains just out the back door of the Air and Space Museum in Washington DC? amazing.

    There?s an Autobot heaven. It?s probably right next door to Doggy heaven.

    The Decepticons captured Sam?s parents and are going to use them as leverage for the Matri?oh, I guess not because they run for safety immediately. Awesome plan, Decepticons!

    Why didn?t the Autobots just destroy the super sun destroying weapon ASAP? They knew where it was by that point. The Decepticons would have seen it was destroyed, shrugged and would have gone home. Instead they fight for four hours.

    The Fallen is talked up as a huge threat over the course of the movie?s 5 hour running time, yet Optimus kills him in under a minute. Yet this was the guy who all these Primes couldn?t stop? And what exactly was he getting revenge for anyway?

    Sorry, that was as long and as bloated as that POS movie…

  11. Anyone else notice how they kept apologizing for Megan Fox and Shia LeWhatev’s relationship? Basically acknowledging how out of his league she is. For everyone except that kid, of course. “I know you have options…etc.”

    “Optimus…is a sociopath.” Genius.

  12. Have you seen how much money this film has made?
    This is what the entire world want’s apparently.
    Transformers: Racist’s in disguise.

    • a) the world isn’t a bunch of 10 year-olds.
      b) paying money doesn’t equal taste, value, or approval before the fact (see: prostitutes.).

  13. You have no idea how many facebook statuses I’ve had to give a furrowed angry look at because they were all like “so and so thought Transformers was SICK!!!!!!!!!” It was SICK!!!!!!!!!! (!) And these are 16/17/18 year old’s who take take shit like multivaribale ergo ethno philoso rocket calculus. And they’ll probably be president of something semi-relevant some day, and I can only find solace in knowing that that day isn’t today.

  14. “Like, now it turns out that being an Auto-bot or being a Decepticon is a choice? ”

    Becoming a Decepticon is always a choice.

  15. FilmDrunk  |   Posted on Jun 29th, 2009 +3

    My favorite part was the story exposition on fast-forward. It was like the Micro Machines guy trying to sell you a plot you don’t want for two hours.

    • I haven’t seen this movie, and won’t. But I presume the voiceover was done by Optimus.

      … and the Micro Machines guy does the voice of Blur.

      I hate Michael Bay for ruining my robotic warriors forever.

  16. vote down  |   Posted on Jun 29th, 2009 -3

    I do kind of think the racist thing has gotten blown out of proportion. It is important to remember that when the twins said they couldnt read the squigglies that shia was writing they meant all of the autobots. Yes they were racist stereotypes but the illiteracy was not a part of that. The gold tooth and ridiculous accents were plenty offensive on their own though.

  17. worst revelation? The writers of this terrible/confounding script were the same guys who wrote Star Trek (which while having a mildly confusing plot was ultimately was pretty good!). Is Michael Bay something like a black hole for talent?

  18. I don’t have what it takes in me to spew the necessary amount of hate this movie deserves. I’m emotionally drained from other sites. I promised myself after I saw these reviews (that I’ll post) that I’d use them in lieu of a comment since they represent what I think so well:

    http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/escape-to-the-movies/797-Transformers-Revenge

    http://www.spoonyexperiment.com/2009/06/25/transformers-revenge-of-the-fallen-review/

    This one is not a review so much as a warning to all of you “turn your brain off” people: http://www.i-mockery.com/visionary/turn-your-brain-off.php

  19. Funniest. Review. Ever. To think I almost saw it this weekend.

  20. Also, there’s the unnecessary, “hack the planet” moment when The Fallen makes a worldwide TV broadcast. Times Square IS earth’s TV.

  21. Thorpedo  |   Posted on Jun 29th, 2009 +7

    Worst piece of dialog in a movie ever goes to Meghan Fox: “and now we are sleeping under three of the most beautiful pyramids in the world.” Because in Egypt they don’t put night guards on their national treasures and people herd goats through ancient ruins and no one has invented technology to discover a giant frickin alien machine underneath the pyramid?

  22. I know this is an unpopular stance, but I thoroughly enjoyed the movie. I mean, it’s not like my favorite movie of all time or whatever, not even close. But I think it accomplished what it set out to accomplish and did it well. It was a fun summer movie (yes, very annoying and unfunny at parts, but lots of explosions and I’m a ten year old boy, so, awesome).
    Worst part, hands down, was the audience. Applause and cheers every five minutes. Including after the trailer for M. Night Shyamalan’s The Last Airbender (whaaat??).

  23. I did not see this movie, I do not have any intention of seeing this movie and I don’t know anything about the great Transformers mythos, but from what I gather from this recap it’s about big robots fighting and turning into other things for some reason. It’s also about Megan Fox looking hot and Shia LaBeouf yelling about his plan to stop the bad robots from getting the All Spark (whatever the hell that is) will work despite it being implausible because this is a Michael Bay movie and because it’s summer so it doesn’t have to make sense. Also, Isabel Lucas being a Terminator but not being a Terminator because that’s trademarked and nobody wants to get sued. There is also lots of ‘splosions.
    In summation, I don’t feel really compelled to see this film and seeing that it has grossed a massive amount of money tells me that the American people must be EXTREMELY desperate for escapism to pay money to see this mess.
    This was Josh is like Germany Ambitious and Misunderstood’s 6th grade movie synopsis, thank you. ::takes a bow and walks back to seat::

  24. I only went to this movie because it was paid for. Now that’s out of the way, can someone honestly tell which robots were fucking fighting? It just just metal and explosions all over the place. Looked more like robot sex and you’d think that would be at least enjoyable to look at!

  25. YJ  |   Posted on Jun 29th, 2009 +1

    This is my two word review for this movie: transformer nuts.

    Otherwise, pretty much everything Gabe said. This movie is going to make so much money it means we are all fucking doomed as a species. But we already knew that too (like we knew it was gonna suck but we went anyway).

    Transformer Nuts.

    Doom.

    Yeah.

  26. Movie was a little too long, but still liked it (I remembered to hang up my brain with my coat before I walked in the theater). Awesome when Optimus would ruin everyone’s shit in battle, because that’s what Saturday morning cartoons should be like. I would kill to have Optimus just start blasting at the characters from today’s cartoons.

    Thought the jive talk wasn’t too bad for the rapper robots, but then I saw there faces and was like “HOLY SHIT.” It could have been worse, though. They could have done the ‘Souljah Boy dance,’ so I am glad they have, at least, good taste in urban music.

    Whether good or bad, all of these toy movies just brings us one step closer to the first toy movie nominated for the Oscar’s Best Picture: DINO-RIDERS.

  27. Lowest Common Duhnominator  |   Posted on Jun 29th, 2009 +7

    Fingers crossed for a flick about transforming robot vampires! Fandango would explode.

  28. I love how we’re almost having a civil and serious discussion about the merits of TRANSFORMERS BY MICHAEL BAY. What’s next, a discussion about whether or not Adam Lambert is homosexual?

  29. ms. new jersey  |   Posted on Jun 29th, 2009 +4

    “Why the hell do the Autobots have two special-needs bots anyway? What kind of operation are they running?”

    Clearly they’re promoting ‘inclusionary’ or equal opportunity hiring practices. Plus, the tax benefits must be sweet wherever they’re from.

  30. If your climaxes last 9 or more hours, please consult a physician.

  31. “Sure. Except if we are really to believe that these are all sentient beings, then Optimus Prime is basically a sociopath.” That made me laugh. Carry on.

  32. Cpt. Obvious  |   Posted on Jun 29th, 2009 -1

    You forgot to mention how apparently in the Air and Space Museum in the middle of D.C. has a hangar that opens up to what looks like the desert in Albuquerque… Complete with mountains in the background… Yep cuz that’s just how those things work (that is NOT how those things work)

  33. Forget Bumble Bee, my favorite character of both films is Shia LaBeouf’s mom. “If the governments paying for it then I want a swimming pool, and I’m going to go skinny dipping and you can’t say shit about it.”

  34. Flighttest  |   Posted on Jun 29th, 2009 -1

    Tom Kenny is also the voice of Spongebob Squarepants. So yeah.

    • I upvoted this and I maintain that if it does not crack 50, it is because it is relatively far down in a post that I, and I’m assuming quite a few others, only read out of obsessive Videogum completion syndrome. Nice work!
      Also, I gotta say, early word had it this film sucked, the first one was dumb, Michael Bay is generally agreed to be a filmmaker who has grown increasingly flagrantly arrogantly awful…and yet many of you still contributed to the opening box office grosses? I can understand wanting to see the movie to talk shit or to see shit blow up (I assure you I find either of these reasons completely defensible), but did you all have to go OPENING WEEKEND when the gross counts for SO much more than just dollars? If you had only waited a few days, you could have spent the same amount of money for your ticket but given Michael Bay $10-$14 (depending on geographical location) less justification for studios to let him run roughshod over whatever he wants? I’m just crossing my fingers that you all bought tickets for a different, more worthwhile film and then just walked in to Transformers (as I did when I went to see The Passion stoned [pun intended, but also true]). I believe I technically paid to see Heartbreakers, which I deemed marginally more worthy of my hard earned (student-loaned) money.

  35. The Australian girl in this one isn’t even as hot as the first one.

    Big Fail casting people.

  36. So I was all “HAHAHA” at this article, and I sent it to one of my friends, who I thought was for sure going to be all “HAHAHA” as well. Turns out, I pissed him off especially because, and I quote, “THE MATRIX OF LEADERSHIP IS A THING.” It’s apparently in the original cartoon.

    *I* thought it was fucking hilarious.

  37. How many comments and no one has mentioned Barton Fink’s ass? Why did Michael Bay feel compelled to show us that? I’ll let his therapist work that one out.

    Ooh, ooh, and the part at the end when the old robot “gives” himself to Optimus Prime?! Here, use my body and you’ll be even stronger, because that’s a thing. I know they’re robots and all, but if a 900-year-old dude attached his dead corpse to me, stronger is not something I would be. But in the land of the deus ex machina, I guess this works.

  38. And lest we forget, the grandest awesomest irony of all: the college scenes were filmed at Princeton. I can hear Michael Bay now: “Take that, Ivy League pussies!”

  39. Impasse  |   Posted on Jun 29th, 2009 -5

    Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see

  40. zach  |   Posted on Jun 29th, 2009 0

    sorry I was responding to BradOFarrell’s comment

  41. Evan  |   Posted on Jun 29th, 2009 0

    OKAY. I’m drunk, but let’s try this thing.

    Last week I defended transformers 2 because I thought it’d be dumb fun. I was wrong. It sucked. A LOT.

  42. Paying money for this movie was/is a big mistake.

  43. I’m gonna go pay to see it, for less good reasons than bad ones, but I’d like to self-identify as a nerd in the most ConanO’Brianimpressioniest sense of the term – if that excuses anything. So, first of all, I don’t think Michael Bay deserves all of the credit for such a wreck of a movie.

    The Autobot Matrix of Leadership was not his idea. I also theorize that this could be a terrible hard-drive mix-up: perhaps when MB says that if you rendered the entire movie on a modern home PC, you would have had to start the renders 16,000 years ago…to finish for this year?s premiere, maybe that’s what his ancestors started to do. I think the Bay family has been planning transformers 2 since the dawn of man-kind and they accidentally mixed up the tapes from transformers 3, 4, and 5 somewhere in the 15th century. Michael Bay read the stars and the river patterns (like he was supposed to) while it was being edited. It just ended up being scenes from different plot lines and actually anti-racist/anti-sexist transformer-based PSAs for the future.

    I liked the cartoon movie. It had a Weird Al song in it called “dare to be stupid”. Maybe Michael Bay is just following his predecessors legacy?

  44. iQuestion  |   Posted on Jun 30th, 2009 +4

    Problem: I see that Transformers 2 has -65% on Rotten Tomatoes
    Solution: I smuggle a 30 pack in the theater

    That was a great movie.

  45. Gabe, why would you write an article about Transformers knowing full well you’d have to mention ridiculous words like “All-Spark”, “Megatron”, “Matrix Dynasty”, etc. and then complain about it?

    And what’s wrong with using those terms? This isn’t the first time you’ve said something along the lines of “Adults shouldn’t use these words”. Then who is supposed to make these movies? Kids who are allowed to say these words? The movie is directed at teens! Would you rather that the Good Metal Beings and the Bad Metal Beings had fought for the Energy Source for two and a half hours? Would that have really made this movie better?

  46. pooformer  |   Posted on Jun 30th, 2009 -1

    fuck this leave your brain at the door shit. That’s fuckin ridiculous, am I only expected to enjoy this film if I ‘tard down beforehand? The best laugh though was the Bad Boys II poster, fuck off Bay, biggin’ up your own films is bad enough never mind the fact that BBII was wank too.

    Now Bay when you’re quite done felching yourself I’d like my ?8 back.

  47. So i don’t know if this is poor taste reposting an inferior entertainment blog, but here goes…
    This interview is hilarious, and makes me not have as many conflicting feelings about Megan Fox (i.e. craptastic movies vs. gourgeousness).

    http://popwatch.ew.com/popwatch/2009/06/megan-fox-harry-smith-transformers.html

  48. Badger_Dash  |   Posted on Jul 1st, 2009 -1

    THANK YOU FOR THIS REVIEW. And let’s not forget about part where aforementioned hand injury received an instant wrap job like four seconds after dude was teleported into the desert. Because we all carry sterile gauze and medical tape in our back pockets, yeah.

  49. Speaking of adults and having to write the word All-Spark as if that’s a thing, how about the Matrix of Leadership.

    You knew the risks going in, Gabe.

    The Matrix of Leadership, of course, would be a reference to the 80s cartoon version of Transformers. I sometimes watch that new Transformers cartoon they have now, and every once and a while they’ll put in some cute little reference to the 80s show and I’ll nod my head and think, “yeah, I remember that!” and then I start to think about how these shows were such a big part of my childhood, how a part of my identity was forged by these 30 minute toy ads that clearly had about five seconds of thought put into them (if that), and I feel a little bit sad.

  50. Advocate  |   Posted on Jul 3rd, 2009 +1

    *(Hasbro bought out the company that created the Transformers project line)

  51. Squidward  |   Posted on Jul 4th, 2009 0

    I’m too lazy to find out whether or not this has already been said, but one of the racist robots was voiced by Tom Kenny who is the voice of Spongebob and also white, which is disturbing on every level.

  52. RogerSiskel  |   Posted on Jul 4th, 2009 +1

    Michael Bay doesn’t want to be Spielberg. He wants to be D.W. Griffith.

  53. Matt  |   Posted on Jul 10th, 2009 +1

    I think what’s racist is that you assume those two RED and GREEN robots are black based on the way the speak and act.

  54. bigfatmeanie  |   Posted on Jul 13th, 2009 0

    @Matt

    I agree although I understand how it resonates as “racist” with the American audience.
    Overall, Gabe’s review covers most of the movie’s plot holes.

  55. I knew Michael Bay had gone a little too far in his attempt to create hip and cool movies the minute the urban ice cream truck came rolling onto the screen speaking Jive.

    And pity that the only beautiful car in the whole movie (audi) happened to be both foreign and a villain.

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