Have you ever been to one of those websites where a chick pops up and talks to you about how great the site is while you furiously hunt for the X button? Those chicks don’t come from nowhere — it seems they come from the exciting worlds of local news and/or beauty pageants, and they’re all available for hire from the site, where each one makes her awkward, pre-rehearsed pitch in hopes companies will pick her to annoy their very own customers. Here are a few of my favorites. Which one should we pick?

Chantel, who doesn’t know what to do with her hands:

Amy, who actually makes a world peace joke:

Tiffany, who is also a high school basketball official, so watch out for the creepy oversexual way she says “watch out.” Also, no traveling!:

Brandy, who was a reporter…in the Army! OF ALL PLACES!:

Oh, who are we kidding. Tiffany gets all the jobs. (Thanks to Louis for the tip!)

Comments (27)

  2. “and I am the national spokesperson for the brain injury association” pretty much says it all.

  3. “Tiffany gets all the jobs” Yeah, all of the hand jobs. Ya know, because of how expressive she is with her hands.

  4. It’s funny if you play them all at the same time.

  5. Lindsay for all the jobs!


  6. tiffany will put us all in diapers and bunny costumes if we don’t WATCH OUT

  7. Also, Amy’s voice is going to haunt my nightmares.

  8. amy sounds like somebody’s tickling her.

  9. If this were actually happening, I would totally vote Walt, who is under the Male section on the site.

  10. Steven  |   Posted on Jun 26th, 2009 +7

    Here’s a thought. Lindsay stays at Videogum and those hacks at BuzzFeed pay her and Gabe’s salaries in royalties! FUNNY INTERNET VIDEO TIP ROYALTIES!

  11. Raskalonivol  |   Posted on Jun 26th, 2009 +4

    as someone who lives in Europe (Denmark,) I’m allowed to be drunk this early in the American day. So here it goes: WHATTTWHATWHATTTT? I’ll need another 400 megan fox rose boy profiles to believe these videos are actually being made for someone else.

  12. All the female actors are hot librarian types, yet all the dudes are… balding old men? Yikes. How will I ever find the right spokesperson for my gay porn enterprise?

  13. Since I’m in college, I could perhaps intern and do this for free, Videogum. thanks waiting for your phone call give me a ring.

  14. My vote from that website goes to Temple.
    She’s a person and a place, the two best parts of the noun.

  15. I vote Maria Bamford!

  16. I am uncomfortable with how they suddenly appear out of the blackness, like a monster from “Hellraiser”. Creeeeeeeeepy.

  17. If Amy came up while I was visiting a website I’d probably close the browser immediately so I wouldn’t have to listen to that horrible voice of hers. World peace? I’ll ask for world deafness.

  18. When Amy says she’s been on stage since she was six, she means it quite literally. Every costume change, every Miss County Seat competition, every internet spokesperson video. Please, please, for the love of Christ, let Amy tend to her brain injury. It’s only fair.

    Oh, and world peace. Yaaargh!

  19. “Have you ever been to one of those websites where a chick pops up and talks to you about how great the site is while you furiously hunt for the X button?”

    i think i understand your question, lindsay, and the answer is yes, i have been to a porn site before.

    do they have these on other kinds of sites?

  20. All that’s missing from Tiffany’s video is a Sax in the background and it does sound like a porn ad.

  21. as ricky bobby said, ‘i’m not sure what to do with my hands.”

  22. The way Chantel moves her hands when she tells us about her degree is totally like “what, don’t you fucking get it? I have a fucking BACHELOR’S DEGREE! In mother-Christing MARKETING!”
    Or maybe I just saw it that way.

  23. metalhead  |   Posted on Jun 27th, 2009 +2

    Not trying to make anyone feel bad or anything, but I used to know Amy Davis. She does actually have a brain injury which resulted in partial hearing loss – hence the weird voice – plus half a dozen other setbacks. That’s not saying you’d want her as a spokesmodel. I mean, the voice doesn’t change just because you know her backstory… But she’s about the coolest person you could hope to meet.

  24. OK. Debbie Downer…. Oh and Tiffany by a mile. It’s those pedophile eyebrows.

  25. Bravo should put them all in a expressive hands reality tv competition to win the job as their web spokesmodel.

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