Really? Michael Jackson is dead, Lindsay is leaving, and we’re supposed to talk about the Real Housewives of New Jersey reunion? As if we actually care? Because let’s all please be honest with ourselves, we do not care. Oh, we love this show. We all love it. Not one person in the world doesn’t love this show. But we don’t care about it. That is not a word that you can use to describe your emotional relationship with this show. And that’s just the show I’m talking about. The reunion episode is even further down on the do-not-care scale. The reunion episode is like the old time-waster flashback episodes popularized by sitcoms in the ’80s and ’90s (and maybe sitcoms before then, unfortunately there is no way to know). You spend an hour watching them rehash all the things you already knew, and yet somehow you keep watching, hooked on the idea that something interesting is going to happen even though it never ever has.
But, so, here we are. And we cannot bring Michael Jackson back, he is gone, so we might as well talk about this.
First things first: Jacqueline and Teresa are insanely stupid. I mean, they seemed stupid on the show, but watching them try to formulate thoughts in semi-real time is nuts. You know why? Because you can tell they don’t want to! It’s not like they’re formulating thoughts and they’re bad at it. It’s like they’re formulating thoughts because they know that that is what is expected of them, but they’d just as soon not be formulating any thoughts please. Also they are both pregnant. Good for them. Especially good for Jacqueline, because obviously that was really important to her, and everyone should get what they want in this life as long as it doesn’t come at the expense of others (haha, right, as if that’s even possible, but you get the idea) and also good for Teresa, I guess. One more over-indulged Barbie to play mommy dress up with. Seriously, she’s ruining those things (her kids).
And that whole gay thing? Jesus. Teresa couldn’t defend her husband’s boorish behavior out of a paper bag. Come on, she knows a gay guy!
Somehow, as was true on the show but as was really true in the reunion episodes (and also, seriously, Bravo? This is your thing now? Two hours of this shit? Relax, technotoomuchreunions) Danielle is the classiest, most poised of the women? She probably is a compulsive liar as Andy “Can’t Kill Myself Until I Pick Out The Perfect Casket” Cohen quoted someone as saying, because she’s clearly not telling the truth about her experiences with plastic surgery or her FUCKING INSANE past. But she nevertheless remains calm, always, and she does have two great daughters, at least it seems. She takes her lumps. In the second episode she has a momentary break down in which she describes her childhood rape and her life of abuse at the hands of men, and it’s really easy to see how people just get broken by this world, you know? Like, yeah, Danielle is a melty faced monster of sorts who over-exposes her children to her Ed Hardy-brand sex life and sure, being on a reality TV show is probably never the right decision to make especially when you have a past you’d like to keep secret and a fragile psychology. But, you know, what’s done is done. And the world has beat this woman up enough. Poor Danielle!
Although enough with this book, Danielle. Enough with pretending like you’re so shocked that this book appeared while you were on TV. That is what happens. It’s called “The Rules of TV.” You can’t simultaneously be hurt by the book’s appearance and also cagey about what actually happened. There are court documents. Caroline got this book from the library? I didn’t even know libraries still existed. If you wanted to clear the air, you could just clear the air, but instead I think you’re kind of enjoying the momentary notoriety that the book provides, and the victim status that you’ve claimed in its aftermath. You called in a death threat one time? I don’t even know you anymore, Danielle.
Meanwhile, Caroline and Dina need to RELAX. They also need to learn how to EXPLAIN THINGS. They are so bad at explaining everything! One of my favorite moments came at the end of the first episode on Tuesday when Andy “When Face/Off Technology Becomes Real I Will Disappear” Cohen brought up the mob ties rumor, and Caroline acted so hurt and offended that the media would dare to spread such scurrilous, dangerous, hurtful rumors about her family, and then proceeded to tell a story about how her family TOTALLY has mob ties in such a way that her PRIDE could not be any more OBVIOUS. “My father-in-law was murdered and to this day we don’t know why, and my husband proposed to me that very same night with a ring that fell off the back of a truck and he said ‘I understand if you don’t want to marry me. My family is in the mob,’ and I married him like thieves because we are thick as them and that is how you apologize, Andy Cohen.” Huh? And then back to the book for Dina with the whole “It was never in my hands,” because we all know that HANDS are the key to GUILT. Dina rests her case.
But, of course, the moment they really want us to take away from the two-hours (like some kind of Bravo Double Dog) is that Danielle did something to Dina that is so despicable that it brings Caroline to cackling hyena tears of fakeness. What was it? Did she threaten her life? Danielle plays dumb! Andy “My Mother Thinks I’m Wonderful” Cohen can’t get an answer out of anybody. And it’s all out of respect for Dina, because Dina is the best person? Agreed! That’s why I married her.
Enough with the drama, ladies. Go rest up. You’ve earned it!