In the past year, I’ve had the sheepish pleasure of becoming somewhat of an expert in the non-lucrative field of cute (and not cute) animal videos, though I really only posted one or two a week. Several times, though, one of our furry friends has appeared here only to be mocked, scorned, teased, and teared down for a perceived lack of cuteness, or for mysterious actions that were clearly out of its control. Our only solace is that these special creatures don’t know how to use computers or read the heartbreaking words written here about them, and will always live in a special bubble of self-delusion and the assumed adoration of all the people of the world. Let us celebrate them now, and maybe give them one more chance to slowly claw their way into our hearts.
6. The “Special” Baby White Tiger, Because I Basically Called It Retarded
I’m sorry, little one. One day maybe you will rule the jungle with your blank little Paris Hilton eyes:
5. The Slow Loris
Not because she is not cute, but because she has poisonous elbows, and if you cross her, she will slowly lick them and then slowly lick you, and you will die and she will slowly jump up and down on your chest:
Seriously, his balls are huge! Nobody understands why probably!:
3. Cat Yells At Other Cat (Probably The Most Amazing Animal Video I’ve Ever Seen)
Nobody understands what really goes on between two creatures in a relationship, and our attempts to make sense of what happened in this video, while heroic and well-meaning, were ultimately futile. Like love itself, the reasons why this cat was yelling at this other cat are too big and, probably, too sad, for our our minds to ever grasp, but hopefully one day we can accept that sometimes our brains protect us from the things that are too scary so that we can go on living, and maybe have kittens:
2. The Fucking Pygmy Jerboa, For Christ’s Sake
I take no responsibility for this one. I love this little guy. I want to spend a grand total of like thirty minutes of my life making sure he doesn’t get stepped on. This poor little weird thing’s misunderstanding was all you guys (monsters), and you have to live with yourselves. (You even hated the babies!):
1. The Parrot And The Cat
Okay, I never technically claimed this one was “cute,” I just find it absolutely hysterically funny because the parrot is so sneaky! But it seems my view of the parrot as an impish, harmless, intentionally funny comedian performing for the camera and playing a character was outnumbered by the view that he was an evil cat molester and possibly even a serial cat-eater. But no, I’m sorry, this is just plain funny:
OMG, just like Michael Jackson!