Tip 1: Crouch beneath the bar and wait for your server to approach those standing around where you’re crouching. When he or she asks what they would like, pop up from your position, use your hands to cover the mouths of those standing to your immediate right and left, and shout your order. The bartender can’t ignore you now!
Tip 2: Wave to the bartender — big waves with both arms. Shout “HEY, COME HERE! COME HERE!” Wave him or her over. If he or she is taking his or her time to walk to wherever you’re standing, shout, “GO FASTER!! COME ON!!!!! I NEED TO TALK TO YOU, HEY!!!!!!”
Tip 3: Find out which celebrity is the bartender’s favorite celebrity. Befriend that celebrity. Bring that celebrity to the bar on a night when you know the bartender will be working. Shout, “A DRINK FOR MY FRIEND, [CELEBRITY NAME].” If that doesn’t work I don’t know what to tell you.
Tip 4: Wear a funny mask, stand as close to the bar as you can get, and quickly move your head from right to left, over and over. When the bartender comes over, say, “YOU FORGOT YOUR MASK!” Hand the bartender your mask. Say, “YOU FORGOT THIS.” They won’t know what you’re talking about. Clarify, “YOU FORGOT YOUR MASK, YOU CAN WEAR THIS ONE.” What?! They’ll def give you a drink!

Listen I know we were all having some fun up there, but this video is absolutely perfect and I love all of these “tips” VERY much. Be nice, don’t wave money, and maybe try out being a lunatic. It could work! Thank you, sir! I love you! (Thanks for the tip, Chris Trash!)

Comments (19)
  1. Also remember to dress like this

  2. Was one of the tips to lay down on top of the bar, open your mouth and wait for somebody to pour liquor into it? Because that usually works for me.

  3. Are you an attractive person of the gender to which the bartender’s attracted? If yes, ignore all tips and just walk up to the bar. You will be served post-haste.

  4. I always bring my puppy and point a fake (they don’t know it) gun at his head and say “serve me or feed this dog a steel biscuit.”

  5. Kelly, as a former bartender, your tips gave me PTSD flashbacks. I am now going to cope the only way I know how: wait until the office is closed and shotgun several beers until the custodial services come to clean, then finishing the night off at a 4-5am bar before sleeping until 4pm the next just in time to shower and come back in to deal with these drunken assholes all over again…but hungover this time. :(

  6. “This is place is dead,” I have thought upon entering many a bar, “And therefore perfect.”

    • one of my favorite Chicago dive bars has gone from being wall-to-wall people on Saturday night to being relatively dead. It brings me so much joy to be able to get a seat.

  7. My technique is solid. I stand close the bar, but not too cose, I mean, I don’t want to stand right on top of someone or push someone out of the way, and then I sort of awkwardly raise one finger whenever the bartender is looking up and if they don’t notice right away I slump my shoulders a bit and glance down, seeing if I can get closer to the bar. I usually get service in a good 10, 15 minutes. It works for me.

    Service at home is the best though. Whiskey in a mason jar and a beer in like 45 seconds flat.

  8. I miss Chris Trash. It’s nice to know he’s still sending in tips, from wherever he is.

  9. If you are in the Meatpacking District, DON’T be nice, PLEASE wave money, WEAR A STRIPEY SHIRT IF YOU ARE A MAN and OF COURSE be a lunatic.

  10. I prefer hotel bars.

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