Famke Janssen asked her assistant to hire New York City’s best psychic medium. She hadn’t yet spoken to her assistant, or anyone, about her suspicion that it was a ghost who had placed the copy of The Lonely Doll on her bedside table, but her assistant didn’t need her to say it. She sensed that Famke thought it could be a ghost after observing her sneaking around her own house, snapping photos on her phone, and checking them for “orbs.” Famke had also asked her to download several “ghost hunting” apps on her iPhone. “Make sure they’re real,” she had said, and, catching herself, quickly added, “I mean, they’re so stupid and funny, I know they aren’t like real real, but like make sure they’re good apps. Highly rated. It’s just– It’s not as funny if you can tell they’re fake. You know? I just want to laugh at them. Whatever they cost is fine.” Oh, boy. So when Famke asked her assistant to hire the medium, her assistant thought it would be a good time to talk with her about her suspicion.

“Ms. Janssen–” Famke’s assistant said. Famke quickly turned around, her hand clutching her chest — “DON’T SCARE ME LIKE THAT!” She tried to catch her breath. “Oh, I’m sorry. We were just talking, I thought you’d know it was me–” “You don’t know the stress I’m under right now, Alyssa.” (Her assistant’s name was Alyssa.) She continued, “You have no idea what it’s like to live in this house, to live with these ghos–” Famke stopped herself before she could say too much. “With these…ghosts?” Alyssa said quietly, worried she was overstepping her bounds. “HAVE YOU SENSED THEM TOO?!”

“No, no, I haven’t, Ms. Janssen…I just wanted to let you know that I do think I had seen that book on your bedside table on a number of occasions before you came home that night. I do think it had been there for quite some time.” “So you’re saying we don’t know exactly when the ghosts decided to initiate contact?” Famke’s eyes widened at the thought of this new piece of evidence. “No, Ms. Janssen, I’m saying that I think you– Or, I’m saying that I think someone purchased that book at left it there for you? I remember seeing you reading it a few–” Famke knew exactly what her assistant was trying to do. “YOU’RE TRYING TO MAKE ME LOOK LIKE A FOOL,” Famke shouted. “HOW DARE YOU! HOW DARE YOU DOUBT THE KNOWLEDGE I HAVE OF MY OWN HOME!” Alyssa’s heart sunk and she suddenly felt nauseated — she should have been more careful. “I don’t doubt that! You’re just gone a lot, so maybe you didn’t notice befo–” “ALYSSA! I’ve had enough of this. Do what I asked — find the medium — and leave me alone.”

Alyssa did what she asked. She booked the medium and left a note for Famke giving her the time and date of the séance and letting her know that she needed at least one other person to conduct it properly. She added that the medium can provide one if she would like this to stay private, and made sure to write at both the top and the bottom that this was a note from Alyssa, her assistant, so Famke didn’t get scared when she saw that there was a note sitting on a table that she “haaad neeevvver seeeeeen befoooore.” Alyssa said that part, mentally, in a mocking Famke Janssen impression, which she quickly felt bad about.

It was the day of the séance. The medium, the medium’s assistant, and Famke sat in the dark around a table in Famke’s penthouse, their faces lighted only by candles. They held hands and chanted, “Spirits of the past, move among us. Be guided by the light of this world and visit upon us.” It wasn’t long before someone in the afterlife attempted contact. “Faaaaammkeeeeee,” they said, spookily. “Faaaaaammmkeee Jannnnnssssssennnnnnnn.” “I knew it,” Famke whispered to herself. “What do you want to say to Famke?” asked the medium, super calm, even though inside she was totally shitting her pants. “Faaaammmkeee…I just want to ssaaaayyy…I think you’re…BOOOOOOOOOOOOtifuuullll…” The group stayed silent. “Yooouuu can laaauuuuuugghh,” said the ghost. “Thaaaat was an ooooooldd ghoooooost jooooooke.” The group laughed quietly. “I’m sooorry for scaaarriinggg you, Faaaaamke,” said the ghost. “I thought you’d liiiiike the booooook. Also you aaare quiiiite beeaaaauuutiifuulll.” “Oh…that’s okay,” said Famke. “What do you want? What do you need from us in order to move on?” “Juuuust a kisssssss…” Hey, pretty good deal! Famke puckered her lips. “Sliiightly toooo the riiiight,” said the ghost. Famke moved slightly to the right. “Ahhh yes, thaaat’s it. Thaaaank you, Faaaamke.”

The ghost was silent after that. Famke thanked the medium for her help, the medium packed up her things, and Famke was once again alone in her house. Famke slept soundly that night, awaking only once to what she thought sounded like someone crawling out from under her séance table, walking to her front door, and leaving. Hmmmm. “Well, a ghost would never use a door,” Famke thought, drifting back to sleep.

Comments (13)
  1. Kelly can make it up!

    Also my name is Alissa! #blessed

  2. Obviously Gabe took the You Can Make It Up name with him in the divorce. I think we’re about to see a whole Romero/Russo dynamic unfolding.

  3. This brought me so much joy. I love ghost day!!

  4. I think my finger ghost left me, too. My pinkie isn’t cold anymore. I’ll miss you, finger ghost. I’ll miss you.

  5. Please more of this! Super heart-shaped emoticon.

    Also, I had a weird dream which heavily featured Famke Janssen and Hugh Jackman on a closed set of the next X-Men Movie. I haven’t watched an X-Men movie in years. Let’s just say it was interesting. This occurred the day before Kelly first posted about Ms. Janssen.

    Is it fate that I’ll have a nice interaction with her and talk about it afterwards in abstract terms, with Hugh Jackman, complete with references to my childhood? Probably. Maybe. We can never know.

    I’ll give you guys an update when it happens.

  6. You guys!! What if it was a member of the Bling Ring who died and traveled back in time as a ghost and is bringing celebrities objects instead of stealing them to make up for wrongs that committed in the corporeal world??

  7. The ghost retreated to the ghost bar the next building over to regale his like-minded, nonliving friends that he tricked Famke into kissing his ghostly orb of a butt.

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