You arrive at Gwyneth Paltrow’s star-studded GOOP garden party in the Hamptons. You look around and notice that you are surrounded by celebrities, ultra-thin beauty monsters, and — through no fault of their own, yet — nightmare children. (All white.) “Why are all the beauty monsters just floating around?” you wonder. “Wait, were these people paid to just show up, look like fashionable assholes, and half-dance through the crowd?” After observing them for a few more minutes — moving, laughing, posing — you decide that they must have been. Or maybe this is just what they do at all the parties they’re invited to? How do they get invited to parties? Huh. You have never been to a garden party quite like this before. In the distance you see Gwyneth Paltrow DOING THE GANGNAM STYLE DANCE. Jesus Christ. Children around you jump and somersault to wild cheering from the crowd, embedding in their minds the idea that the praise they receive for even the most basic accomplishment, and in fact, nearly everything they receive in their lives, is deserved. A waiter hands you a glass of champagne, replacing your last glass of champagne. You’re not sure if you like this all white people garden party or not, but the glasses of champagne do help. You blink your eyes twice — deep blinks — and your vision is blurred and then refocused. You pull away from your computer screen. In your hand is not a glass of champagne, but a glass of water your friend brought you. “You wanted some water, right?” she says, seeing your bewildered expression. You weren’t at Gwyneth’s English Garden Party at all. You were merely watching the short video of her wealthy white people only party that she made for her bullshit lifestyle website. Calm and anger rush over you at once. Scene.

COOL PARTY THX 4 THE VID. (Via LaineyGossip.)

Comments (34)
  1. I really really laughed at “(All white.)” for so long but then Gwyneth Paltrow reminded me that she and Jay Z are, like, BEST friends and so Blue Ivy Carter is almost definitely at that party.
    That’s the problem with Gwyneth’s parties: you want to go cause you want to meet Jay Z but, ugh, Gwyneth.

    • I also think maybe one of those people was Asian? So Blue Ivy and possibly an Asian lady. That’s pretty good diversity.

      • Yes although this whole thing made me realize how often, instead of “I have a black friend”, Gwyneth just says, “I’m friends with Jay Z” and then says whatever people usually say when they start with “I have a black friend.”

        • She could also use him in an effort to mitigate our collective (and spot on, I think) opinion of her.

          “I’m a walking nightmare of a person, but it’s alright, I bought Jay Z’s daughter a stroller.”

    • I wish Jay-Z would have had some control over the soundtrack. WTF with that music?

  2. That was worth it for whatever the heck was going on with Cameron Diaz at 0:20.

  3. I bet she invited Idris Elba as a token, but he was like, “NO THANKS.”

  4. Gwyneth Paltrow and Stella McCartney is such an unholy union I expected the universe to implode when they kissed at the end.

  5. I think we should petition that the next episode of Goop is Gwenyth trying to gut and clean a deer, by herself, with printed instructions from the internet. Just imagine the crying-face.

  6. Hamptons? This could also be Brooklyn circa 2013 lol

  7. Also, all these hoez are mad skinny. Wtf??

  8. Paul McCartney hanging out with Chris Martin is like Proust hanging out with Nicholas Sparks.

  9. Not a very good garden, considering the only flowers I saw were in a vase.

  10. FYI, should want to watch this PAHTY in slo mo like I did, just start the video, then click on the video to pause it, then hold down the space bar and enjoy:

    -SJP’s magically shrunken head
    -GOOP and hubby nowhere near each other ever (probably because he refused to shave or change out of his sweat pants)
    -Diaz about to do shots
    -Paris Hilton’s skeleton walking around on its own accord
    -Sir Paul McCartney pretending to sing for the camera
    -Stella and GOOP kissing for so so so long

    Just in general I hope you really enjoy this weird Stella McCartney commercial.

  11. I like to hire 4-5 high fashion models to attend my casual gettogethers, just to remind myself that all my exercise and organic vegan cooking is still not enough to allow me to eat canapés in public. Totally worth the cost. Thanks for the validation, GP!

    • Seriously, there is no one in these scenes who has ever had to wonder if the Secret Slimming Jean by Rider would be a good choice.

  12. Ain’t no party like a Gwyneth Paltrow garden party because a Gwyneth Paltrow garden party don’t stop because you are in hell.

  13. Guys, you don’t know how hard it was for her to get her assistants and nannies to coordinate this thing. Cut her some slack! JEEZ

  14. That was the whitest 1:18 of my life.

  15. For some reason, the tiny ice cream cones irritated me most of all. They were pretty much the samples someone gets at an ice cream shop when trying to pick a flavor. Come on, GP!

  16. I went to Gwyneth’s Garden party but it’s all right now, learned my lesson well
    You see, ya can’t please everyone, so you got to please yourself.

  17. It was Stella’s birthday yesterday. Is that why you posted this? What do you mean you weren’t invited to her birthday party? Get away from me.

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