Here’s a question. If you’re in the desert and you’re dying of thirst, which do you want to drink: blood or water? Take as much time as you need. On the one hand, there’s a nice big cup of blood. On the other hand, a cool, refreshing cup of water. Now, what if the blood were your family’s toxic greed, jealousy, and abuse, and the water were, I don’t know, an ex-con father-figure like the kind Nicolas Cage plays in David Gordon Green’s new film, Joe? What do you choose now? The waterfather, or…? From Moviefone, via Vulture:

One of the things I like about the movie — my father used to say, “If you’re in the desert and you’re dying of thirst, are you going to drink a glass of blood or you going to drink a glass a water?” meaning, sometimes your very own family that you’re close to can be toxic. They take your success or your potential as a personal insult on their failure, and they beat you up or they say you’ll never make it. That’s not a glass of blood you want to drink if you’re dying of thirst in the desert. But Joe provides, like, a glass of water. He’s what I call in the abstract a “waterfather.” He becomes a surrogate father and he sees the potential in Gary.

Uhhhhhhh. Are Nicolas Cage and his dad okay? Wait, did your family put you in the desert on purpose? If your family put you in the desert on purpose, I would say you FOR SURE would not want to try to drink your family’s blood to get out of the desert. It won’t work. The kind of glass of blood you would want to drink, though, is a waterfather’s. Right? Or, wait, what? “In order to explain my father-figure relationship with the young boy in Joe, please first imagine drinking a glass of blood in the desert, and then try to imagine a family in which all of the members are incredibly jealous and not supportive of one of the members because this particular member is a big movie star, and they were always jealous of his potential and tried to knock him down, but now he’ll show them when he plays a waterfather in David Gordon Green’s upcoming film, Joe.” Aww. Poor Nicolas. Don’t drink the blood, Nicolas! (PS: Why hasn’t Leonardo DiCaprio ever played a waterfather?)

Comments (45)
  1. Is that a trick question?

  2. But even though I love my family, I would still drink the water. Because I’m in the desert. And then I would steal the Declaration of Independence.

    • Truth. I was walking by the National Archives a few weeks ago (it was the height of summer and there were a plethora of tourists around) and one dapperly-dressed gent (fanny pack, socks with sandals, etc.) remarked casually as he exited the building that he was very disappointed that the actual inside of the National Archives looks nothing like it did in National Treasure.

        • I saw at least three of these on Facebook today. I can’t handle the collective #mournporn that goes on today, especially from my libertarian relatives who honestly do want to see NYC crumble.

          • I woke up completely forgetting it was 9/11 and I see this as enormous progress. I haven’t posted my initial forgetfulness as a “status” on teh Facebook, however, because I’m sure a lot of True Mericans would think I have Betrayed the Fallen and foresaken my citizenship and practically just blew bin Laden’s corpse. I don’t need that. (Although the Truthers who visit my page will argue against the corpse-blowing by saying bin Laden was never killed, or was a US agent all along, or something so weird and offensive I can’t even imagine it, as Truthers are about the lowest garbage nightmare humanity produces.)

  3. Guys, I don’t know if it’s that I’m hungry or what, but I didn’t catch any of that.

  4. Nic Cage and His Dad?

  5. And here I was, just about to have a glass of blood with my lunch! (The World is a Vampire.)

  6. Meanwhile, NIc Cage’s son would rather have the cup of blood.

  7. So “Waterfather” just means “good father,” huh?

  8. Some see Nic Cage and think he’s half-empty. I look at him and think he’s half-full.*

    *of shit.

  9. I loved Watherfather’s early albums but then they started getting too prog.

  10. “When you’re out in the desert, what are you going to do, drink a glass of blood or a glass of water? I’ll tell you: neither. You drink your pee.” —father-son talk from Mr. Hugh Jackman

  11. Ghost Dad > Water Father

  12. Well, it’s much better than a Walter Father:

  13. Does Mr. Cage look like a femmebot with a beard in that picture to anyone else?

  14. Nic Cage’s relationship with his father is so chill that he sleeps on one of these:

  15. fun fact, the original phrase “blood is thicker than water” meant that the bonds you make with people you’ve shed blood with (or, you know, are friends with!) is stronger than the ties of family, aka the water of the womb.

    • My family gets really upset when I remind them of this fact while leaving in the middle of a family gathering.

    • But that doesn’t make sense. Blood-kin is an old term and shedding blood in ancient time probably meant you weren’t going to be around to go around saying much afterwards. Also, the “water of the womb” would only apply to the mother? Right? I don’t know, just saying.

      • The full phrase is actually “The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb.” So blood refers to a blood pact, or choosing a relationship with someone (or making a blood-bound agreement) is stronger than the ties you happen to have through birth. #truefactsonly

  16. I heard waterfathers can be pretty stifling at times too, though…

  17. I have a VitaminWaterFather.

  18. better than a Water Farter

  19. I have this abstract list in my head of celebrities I would hang out with, celebrities I’d want to be friends with, celebrities I’d want to smoke a bowl with, etc. Nic Cage is the first on a new list. Celebrities I’d want to be friends with, but only really hang out with while at least one other friend, preferably two, were around.

  20. wait, this entire thread is pure gold

  21. Is there any Sofia in the cup of blood?

  22. Also better than a Walker Father.

Leave a Reply

You must be logged in to post, reply to, or rate a comment.