As we all know, summer has just ended and we are in the fast lane speeding towards frigid temperatures, coats that aren’t ever warm enough, runny noses that you don’t even noice, and piles and piles of snow. Do not let the remaining 85 degree weather and promise of fall trick you: WINTER IS ON ITS WAY. And it is never too early to start going over our Winter Safety Rules:

  • Rule #1: Walk very, very slowly and only on your tiptoes in case there’s any ice around.
  • Rule #2: Bring salt to sprinkle ahead of you and wait a few moments between steps (in case of ice).
  • Rule #3: Wear warm shoes with grippies.
  • Rule #4: Don’t step in snow.
  • Rule #5: DON’T JUMP INTO A SNOW PILE FROM A ROOF OR WHATEVER, YOU LUNATIC! WHAT, IS THIS A PRANK?! IS THIS SOME SORT OF PRANK VIDEO?! BECAUSE YOU SHOULD BE DEAD! HOW DARE YOU JUMP INTO A PILE OF SNOW AS IF THAT IS A THING YOU CAN DO AND SURVIVE! HOW DARE YOU! WE WERE ALL ROOTING FOR YOU TO NOT JUMP OFF OF THAT ROOF INTO THAT PILE OF SNOW! (ANTM REFERENCE.) HOW DARE YOU! LEARN SOMETHING FROM THIS! NEVER JUMP INTO SNOW FROM SUCH A HIGH DISTANCE! NEVER JUMP INTO SNOW FROM GROUND-LEVEL, EITHER! WHAT IF THERE’S A FIRE HYDRANT UNDERNEATH! DO! NOT! DO!
  • Rule #6: Staple your gloves to your coat!

(Via SayOMG.)

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Comments (21)
  1. Oh, man. I didn’t even think about there being a fire hydrant. Going home sick.

  2. Kelly – you know what I just heard of? Snow fleas. Apparently, they live under the snow. BUGS THAT LIVE UNDER THE SNOW!

    • What did you think Taun-Taun’s were full of???

      • Man. So I have people over two weeks ago, and by late night, it is chilly. We’re smoking in the driveway and a dude decides it is time to leave. As he walks off, he shivers and wishes he brought a sweater. I shout “Your taun-taun will freeze to death before the first marker!” and I have never in my life been so disappointed not to be told “I’ll see you in hell!”

    • That is the most horrifying thing I’ve heard of. That means that not even the cold can kill bugs. We’re all going to die.

    • Are you fucking kidding me

    • Did you know that there are also snow SPIDERS? Which I unfortunately learned while watching what I thought was a nice, safe documentary about the Himalayas?

    • They just look like little black dots jumping around so I like to imagine them as the dust creatures from My Neighbor Totoro to make it less horrifying. I wish they would step up their game and get googley-eyes, though.

  3. Rule #7: Never go outside.

  4. Ugh, more like Smilla’s Sense of NO

  5. Guys, I’m worried about Grimace, Jr.

  6. Once I was out with a friend on her birthday and she was super wasted and kept jumping into snow drifts on our way home, and she found a really big one and leapt into it only to discover that it was basically a giant block of ice, which was hilarious in her case because she wasn’t leaping off of a building, but that’s really where I thought this video was going and I was so concerned!

  7. That was “cool”

  8. Man, Rule #1 is so, so flawed. Tiptoes is a bad idea. You try to walk flatfooted, like the whole foot hitting the ground at once and you keep your strides really short and chopping, pretty much a quarter your normal stride. There are diagrams.

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