Back in May, Joe Francis was found guilty of three counts of false imprisonment, one count of assault, and one count of dissuading a witness from reporting, by a “mentally f–ing retarded” jury made up of men and women who “should be euthanized” because they had “naturally selected [themselves].”  Eek! It is so hard to find a good jury to convict you of being a horrible, REAL nightmare these days! What’s next, he’s going to be sentenced for his crimes and sent to jail? Oh, it would be just like the justice system to send an innocent false imprisoner and assaulter and borderline child pornographer, though that is not what we’re talking about at the moment, to jail, merely for the crime of being who he– wha- WHAAT?!  From the L.A. Times:

“Girls Gone Wild” creator Joe Francis was sentenced Tuesday to 270 days in jail and three years’ probation for an assault and false imprisonment of three women.

As part of the sentence, he must also complete a year of psychological counseling.

The judge handed down the sentence after denying Francis’ lawyer’s motion for a new trial based on claims that one of the accusers lied during the trial and the three women went willingly to the home and were never falsely imprisoned.

The judge told Francis the women “were very credible” and he deserved to be punished by some time in custody and needed anger management for his “temper.”

270 days? Are we counting that in REVERSE DOG DAYS? (It would be a couple years in reverse dog days.) (Keeping it fuzzy so no one checks my reverse dog math.) (It would be pretty ruff haha let’s get back to the nightmare, though.) It is wonderful, though, that the judge told his lawyer to fuck off and go to hell (paraphrasing) when he claimed that one of the women lied. Fuck you, dude. Fuck both of you dudes. GO TO JAIL. (FOR REAL!) (YOU ARE GOING THERE!)*

*And please* stay there for the full 270 days.
*(I do not have a lot of hope that you will.)
Comments (84)
  1. Apparently he’s worth $177m. That’s a nice fun fact, isn’t it?

  2. Some judge in Montana gave a statutory rapist and sex offender only 30 days in jail. The girl committed suicide.

    I had a brownie and a cup of coffee for breakfast. You?

  3. “This isn’t fair! I’m being falsely imprisoned. Just like those girls I… oh…”

  4. I saw him on a couple episodes of Couples Therapy (he was the reason I could only handle a couple episodes) and he is really really terrible to his girlfriend. Like she’s gonna need counseling for a long time after dating him-terrible. So maybe if Dexter were a real thing and Joe Francis got murdered it wouldn’t be the worst thing ever.

  5. Every picture he takes looks like it should have a laser background.

  6. What is “true” imprisonment? I think the only approved prisons are, like, government prisons. (Like the one he’s going to.) If someone is being tried for imprisoning someone and they are not, like, the President, I don’t know why you need to throw the “false” on there.

    That’s beside the point, though. Stop imprisoning people, people who are not the government!!

  7. On a less horrible note: Kelly, this post had me in stitches! I loved “REVERSE DOG DAYS” and everything in parentheses. And also the introductory paragraph. Well done. Terrific writing. I’m loving it.

  8. I don’t believe in spontaneous human combustion, but I think I’d make an exception for him.

  9. Instead of focusing on the bad, lets try and name things that are more orange than Joe Francis’s face:

    So far this guy is all I got:

  10. I knew my corgi pinterest board would eventually come in handy!!

  11. I don’t know about you guys, but I see no need for purity in my breeds:

  12. For SOME reason I’ve been on line for the past 45 minutes shopping for corgi puppies.

  13. I was a total upvote slut on this thread and I don’t even care. CORGIS/KELLY 2016

  14. Did I ever tell you guys about how I was in the jury pool for this trial? I told them I’d already read about the case online because I do internet stuff for a job, then they emptied the courtroom and pulled me in for private questioning. I ended up saying the word “douchebag” so many times that his lawyer turned to the court reporter and spelled it for her. We argued over whether Gawker had named him Scumbag of the Decade or Douchebag of the Decade. The lawyer said J.F. wasn’t even going to show up for the trial, and I said, “If I gotta be here, he damn well better be here, too.” That’s when they dismissed me and I went home.

  15. Bassets must have their say.

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