From Us Magazine: “Robin’s regrets? As Us Weekly predicted before the big, unforgettable show, Robin Thicke tapped Miley Cyrus to croon “Blurred Lines” onstage with him at the Barclays Center in Brooklyn for the MTV Video Music Awards Sunday, Aug. 26 — but, as the world now knows, the 20-year-old starlet arguably stole the show. ‘Robin thought it would be fun to include Miley, but he didn’t realize how much she would overshadow him. This was his big night and big performance,’ one source tells Us of Thicke, who broke out in a big way this year with ‘Blurred Lines.’ Continued the source: ‘I don’t think he would have done it knowing what it ended up like.’”

It was the morning after the MTV Video Music Awards and Robin Thicke sat in his fluffiest, most comfortable bathrobe at the bottom of his spiral staircase. He had his grumpy face on, so everyone was a little bit afraid to talk to him — that is, everyone except for a close source. He sipped a bit of his tea — chamomile, as if choosing the correct kind of tea still mattered — and shouted, “OW! OWOWOWOWOWOOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOOW!!!!” The tea was too hot. “Robin, what’s wrong?” asked the source. “MY TEA IS TOO HOT!” shouted Robin. The source could tell that Robin was covering up the true source of his pain, but didn’t want to be too forceful about having him open up.

“Is it about how Miley Cyrus stole the show last night? How she stole what was supposed to be your big night and big performance?” Robin Thicke got up and stomped around the room. His little socked feet didn’t make a lot of noise, but his puffed-up cheeks got his message across well enough. He stomped in concert with his words, “That – was supposed – to be – my – big – night!” He repeated the words over and over until he threw himself onto the ground and splayed his arms and legs. “Aw, Robin,” said the source. “DON’T TALK TO ME! ROBIN’S NOT HERE!” shouted Robin. “Oh yeah? If Robin’s not here…whose feet am I tickling?!” The source tickled Robin’s feet until Robin sat up in a fit of giggles.

“I don’t feel better. You were just tickling me,” he said, after the tickling stopped. Boy, he was sure not feeling good about the VMAs. The source said, “You probably wouldn’t have done this if you knew how it was going to turn out.” Robin repeated the words back to the source in his dummy voice — “Yoooeww praablaby wooeentthh have donee thiiiiiiiiis if yooouueee kneeewwww thblaow it was blaaowing to thhrrblern aaahh-oouuuutt.” Oh boy.

Just then Robin Thicke’s wife walked into the room. “What’s going on, Robin?” she asked. The source said, “Robin thought it would be fun to include Miley, but he didn’t realize how much she would overshadow him. This was his big night and big performance.” Robin’s wife said, “Wait, what? Who are you?” “I’m a close source,” confirmed the source. “Robin, are you really upset about that young girl? Your performance was fine. None of it matters. Who cares. And if we’re going to talk about the performance at all, there are even other things to be talking about.” Robin was hiding behind a couch and pretended he didn’t hear any of it.

“Is any of this real?” asked Robin Thicke’s wife, to no one. The source and Robin had disappeared — in fact, the room had disappeared — in face, his wife had disappeared. We were all alone, speaking of nothing, floating in darkness.

The End

Comments (46)
  1. Aw, I think he’ll be ok. He has a pretty thicke skin.

  2. I just wonder how Alan Thicke feels about all this. Mike would have never done this sort of thing!

  3. Robin Thicke joins the throngs of other people who cannot be consoled about the VMAs.

  4. Miley is just going through some growing pains

  5. Someone said you could see Robin Thicke had a belly…is this true?

  6. “No one cares about my performance. I might as well have performed in a BOG,” the source confirmed Robin said.

  7. How To Never Be Upstaged at the VMA’s

    Step 1: Be a French Robot

  8. Greatest idea ever: Robin Thicke replaces Justin Timberlake in N’Sync and they take their bitter, upstaged man tears on the road.

  9. Man, people just cannot let this Miley Cyrus thing go! Was it really that big of a deal? I say NO! But since I’ve seen her performance called sexist and racist, and I’ve seen complaints about it be called sexist, but I haven’t seen the complaints being called racist, I think I’m going to have to be AGAINST it. Just to play it safe.

    • The whole thing is so strange, considering the song itself is far more disturbing than anything Miley Cyrus could’ve done.

    • I thought she was just a 20 year old doing what 20 year oldz do

    • I think my main problem with it is that she wore that foam finger on her right hand when it was clearly made for a left hand. Also the desperation with which she constantly tries to announce that she is no longer a child but a very sexy adult (because nothing screams adult like constantly screaming you are an adult, especially when you do it by flaunting your sexuality). But mainly the foam finger. It looked like her hand was backwards the entire time!

    • I saw the .GIFs of it just like everyone else (nobody actually watches the VMAs except comedians live-tweeting it) and it’s got a very “YOU’RE NOT MY REAL DAD! YOU CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO!” vibe to it. That said, a bunch of people _really_ wanted to chat idly about this on the bus on Monday and I was having none of it.

  10. To be quite fair, people have been piling on Robin Thicke for making Got to Give It Up rapy-er and asking us to think that it is an original composition. Maybe this was the straw that broke the camel’s back.

  11. Am I the only one who has never heard Robin Thicke speak and imagines that it must be in a fake British accent?

    • No, but only because his lyrics prove that his grasp of rhyming structure, is lacking, and I assume all Brits to be very formal in their rhymes. Unless he’s implying that the girl in the song should mug him.

    • I heard him speak for the first time on the carpet at the VMAs and he sounds EXACTLY like his dad. EXACTLY. It’s eerie.

  12. It’s okay, Robin. What sound does a cow make?

  13. Methinks someone’s having premonitions of his place on future One-Hit Wonders Spotify playlists.

  14. Jingle Bells, Miley Smells, Robin Laid an Egg —> better headline for that US Weekly story

  15. Listen Robin. Miley did what Miley did, but you’re not blameless here. You dressed as beetlejuice buddy. People have already heard your song 6 million times, do you really think they would have talked about how amazing it was without her there and not how you looked like beetlejuice? There would have been a Michael Keaton as beetlejuice sings your song online within the hour. Sometimes you just gotta know when to let go, man.

  16. You the hottest tea in this place! – Robin Thicke to his chamomile.

  17. I’m just going to post this because I like posting it:

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