From Gawker: “While discussing the resignation of San Diego mayor Bob Filner, who’s been accused of sexual harassment by 18 women, criminal defense attorney and Deadly Sins host Darren Kavinoky took a more sympathetic approach than his fellow panelist, Faith Jenkins, and host Don Lemon. And anyone with a firm sense of reason, for that matter. In fact, Kavinoky went as far as to say, ‘One of these accusers said that he grabbed both of her hands and asked for a date. If you took out the words “Bob Filner” and inserted the word “Ryan Gosling,” you wouldn’t have a problem.’”

Ryan Gosling’s alarm woke him at 5AM. His bed was incredibly comfortable and his sheets were very expensive, but he knew he had a lot to get done today so he refrained from hitting snooze. He went for a quick run, just a few miles, and got home just as the sun was coming up. After he took a shower, he put on one of his many well-tailored suits and headed to the kitchen. Hmmm, what did Ryan Gosling want to have for breakfast? He made himself some kind of a kale smoothie or whatever and fried an egg with some cheese — it was all about balance for Ryan Gosling, plus he was going to need a lot of energy if he was going to accomplish all of the sexual harassing he wanted to today.

On his drive into work, Ryan stopped at a gas station to fill up his car and grab a bottle of water. Inside the gas station, as he reached for the water bottle, a woman’s hand reached for the same water bottle and they almost touched. “Oops, I’m sorry!” said the woman, before realizing how handsome Ryan Gosling was. Then when she saw now handsome he was she gave him a flirtatious smile. “How embarrassing,” she said. “Who is this guy?!” she wondered. “It’s not embarrassing, we didn’t even bump hands. We just reached for the same water bottle,” he said. He continued, “But, this might be embarrassing — Do you want to go on a date with me?” The lady said yes, which made sense both because Ryan Gosling looked like Ryan Gosling and because she wasn’t being harassed and made to feel unsafe by someone in a position of authority in a professional environment, or by someone under whom she was not employed but whose advances she had clearly rejected. (Also he did not touch her.)

Once Ryan Gosling got to work, he was immediately ushered into a meeting. On his way, he asked out, touched the butts of, and tried to kiss multiple women, making crude comments when they rejected his advances. He did it all the time — it was just a normal day to Ryan Gosling! In a few months, many of those women who were sexually harassed and made to fee unsafe in their place of work would come out and accuse Ryan Gosling of sexual harassment, even though he looked like Ryan Gosling, because unwanted sexual advances, specifically in this case coming from Ryan Gosling, a politician in a position of authority, ARE UNWANTED SEXUAL ADVANCES, YOU FUCKING PIECE OF GARBAGE LUNATIC.

The End

Comments (35)
  1. You give me a time and a place, I touch your butt. Anything happens in that five minutes and I’ll keep touching your butt. No matter what. Anything happens a minute either side of that and, well, I’ll still touch your butt. Do you understand?

    • but in all seriousness, i don’t think ryan gosling eats cheese with his egg after a kale smoothie. the cheese completely cancels out the protein filled healthiness of the smoothie kelly. let’s be realistic.

  2. Was the driving part a Drive reference?

  3. I’m pretty sure if Ryan Gosling made unwanted sexual advances he would become sleezy and therefor less attractive. We like Ryan because he has a dog and seems like a stand-up guy, on top of his extreme attractiveness.

    Also, this is the most perfect videogum post ever.

  4. I like to imagine that this defense works in absolutely any scenario.

    Now imagine that little girl is Ryan Gosling.

  5. I tried to find a funny gif of Bob Filner but I had to stop looking at his face. Too creepy, guys!

  6. Worst fan fic ever

  7. I love this so much I want to make flattering and non-sexual compliments to it all day so that the author feels flattered by her genius AND understands just how much I appreciate her as a writer and a funny person and human being.

  8. This is similar to the Chris Rock joke about Clarence Thomas wouldn’t have gotten in trouble if he looked like Denzel.

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