Egypt? How good Drunk History is? What happens when you die, and what if when you die you’re actually reborn onto another planet and you’re, like, an alien, and you find out that the rest of the aliens are planning on attacking Earth because they all have a slight memory of Earth that leads them to conclude that Earthlings stole the planet from them, but you’re the only one who knows the full truth, so you have to convince them not to attack Earth? This New Yorker article about Mayor Bloomberg? The conclusion of Whodunnit?? WHAT DID THEY TALK ABOUT?! From Us Magazine:

There’s still hope, Twi-hards! [Ed. Note: Written for adults by adults.] Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart, who officially split in May, are hanging out again.

The pair got together at her L.A. house on August 4 for “a very intense conversation,” a source tells Us Weekly. (The British actor, 27, also visited her home in July.) “They will probably pick up where they left off,” adds the source. “Rob is obsessed with her.”

And he has a shot at getting his woman back. “She’s still heartbroken,” adds a pal of Stewart, 23. “She can’t seem to get over him.”

UUGGGGGGH, WHAT DID THEY TALK ABOUT!?!?!?!?! I am so mad at these sources for not giving us the full story. How do you expect us to go on with our day, knowing that somewhere out there people are withholding information about Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson? WHAT WAS IT? Nick and Jess? Their song of the summer? How they wished Jennifer Lawrence could be their best friend WHAT WAS IT?! (Thanks for the tip, Claire!)

Comments (30)
  1. Probably something about how whoever wrote on her car’s dust scratched the paint, and she had to get a new paint job, and it’s kind of Rob’s fault, so he should pay for it.

  2. Judging from that picture, maybe they talked about how Kristen Stewart does not understand how sex works, and Robert Pattinson is just super frustrated about it.

  3. Robert told her to get off his back, because according to that picture she is literally on his back.

  4. Also, as a person, it is super-depressing that two people who are dealing with their own shit have a public record of the number of times they have seen each other post-break up. That’s just so fucking gross.

  5. They were probably fighting over the same thing that broke them up in the first place: the age-old cake vs. pie debate. That will ruin a relationship. And for the record, I am very firmly TEAM PIE.

    • I was pretty firmly team cake because of tiramisu, but then last week I had peanut butter and honey ice cream pie and uhhh NOTHING ELSE IN THE WORLD EXISTS TO ME NOW.

      • WAIT WAIT WAIT. You’re counting tiramisu as a cake?! I CALL SHENANIGANS. Tiramisu is its own thing, but if we have to choose sides, it’s closer to pie than to cake.

        • How in the world is it closer to pie, young man?? It’s made up of tiny sponge CAKE fingers and has no crust. It’s a fancy, exquisite, perfect layered cake.

          • Ladyfingers are cookies, not cake. And it’s surrounded by a delicious mixture of marscapone, egg yolk, and probably some other stuff I can’t remember. Stuff that would never get anywhere near a cake. Really, it’s like a pie with the crust in the middle.

          • I am completely with Fatima on this. Tiramisu is basically cake with a specific, lighter type of icing. What kind of pie crust are you eating that they are similar to the texture of tiramisu? Because either your eating crazy tiramisu or crazy pie but either way, you are incorrect.

          • It’s not about the texture, it’s about the ratio of breadstuff to fillingstuff. The ladyfingers are not the point of the tiramisu, but merely the base that society requires so you can’t be accused of just eating straight creamy substance.

            Also, I’ve been thinking about this all night, and I’m even MORE convinced, based on the preparation methods. Most people who make tiramisu buy the ladyfingers from the store (my wife being the only exception I know, and only then because she makes them gluten-free). If you buy a cake from the store and put frosting on, you cannot say you made a cake. HOWEVER, if you buy a pie crust and complete the filling, you are fully allowed to take credit for that pie.

    • What about flourless chocolate cake (which is probably more of a brownie)? Flourless chocolate cake with cream cheese frosting > Pie > Cake.

    • TEAM PIE as well. It was interesting to me how negatively I reacted when I first heard the PFT bit. My inner monologue wasn’t even remotely jovial, it was just a thorough listing of the myriad of ways in which pie will always be vastly superior to cake. Saying you prefer cake to pie is like saying you prefer one crumbled, soggy dead leaf to the entire spectrum of a lush autumn forest. It is also like saying you prefer Hitler to Gandhi and Batman.

      Cake is Hitler. Pie is Batman Gandhi. I’m not saying that if you prefer cake, you’re definitely a bad person. But you’re probably at least a cute but weirdly antisemitic grandparent.

    • DAMMIT I missed the cake debate.

  6. I bet they were talking about puppies. Didn’t they adopt a dog together and K-Stew was seen with a new dog? Isn’t Steve Winwood technically an animatronic dog-like creature? Maybe they were talking about dog ownership and K-Stew’s new love, Steve Winwood and her unquenched hunger for Showbiz Pizza.

  7. Rob: KK, how have you been, love?
    Kristen:….
    Rob:I’ve really missed you.
    Kristen:….
    Rob:I, uh… um…
    Kristen:….
    Rob:….
    Kristen:….
    Rob:….
    Kristen:….
    Rob:….
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    Rob:….
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    Rob:*coughs*….
    Kristen:….
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    *Fly buzzes around the room*
    Kristen:….
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    *Five hours later*
    Kristen:….
    Rob:….
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    Rob:….
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    Rob:….
    Kristen:….
    Rob:….
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  8. Nothing has been resolved, though. As intense as the conversation was, Kristen STILL can’t figure out Who’s on first.

  9. I think the author of this otherwise perfect piece meant to say that he is “Robsessed” with her.

  10. Isn’t it fire season? Maybe they were making contingency plans for small brush fires because they’re practical adults… Hahahahahaha. I can’t even finish that sentence.

  11. The Illuminati, FEMA death camps, Chemtrails, OBummer and Rand Paul’s possible bid for the presidency in 2016.

    Fun fact: Rob and Kristen are libertarian YouTube commentators, which is what actually brought them together.

  12. Cheez-Its vs. Goldfish

  13. Pretty sure Rob and Kristen just read dialogue out of Twilight scripts when they get together.

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