Oh, to be at a point in your life where you openly muse over which celebrity would play you in your biopic because you are actually in the process of making your own biopic. What a dream. And to have two hot young writers on the job? C’mon! From Zap2It:

A Hulk Hogan biopic is in the very early days of production. The wrestling star read a four-page treatment penned by a duo he describes as “hot young writers” and liked it so much that he told them to go ahead and write a full script. While that doesn’t mean it will necessarily end up becoming a movie, Hogan at least has a good idea of who he’d like to play a younger version of himself.

“We need a serious, serious actor that knows what he’s doing. You know who I thought would be good? That guy that did that action movie, ‘Thor,’” Hogan tells the Cape Breton Post, meaning Chris Hemsworth.

“I was reading the Cape Breton Post this morning and I came across something very interesting…” – Chris Hemsworth’s agent. “YOU’RE KIDDING!” Sure, Thor would be a fine choice for this Hulk Hogan biopic that may or may not actually be a thing, who knows, but is he the best choice? Could we not perhaps think of a few choices that would be a better choice? I think we could!

Vincent Gallo?

Mickey Rourke As Randy “The Ram” Robinson?

Peter Krause?

A Baby?

A Lamp?

Sonic Youth?


Hulk Hogan?


Hamburger Phone?

Jello Biafra?


Fyodor Dostoevsky?

Daft Punk?

Coffee Cup?


Those might all be better, I think! Right? Or can you think of another option? I’m pretty sure I covered all of the possible good options, but if I missed one let me know!

Comments (39)
  1. I think there was a mix up at Avengers central casting because Mark Ruffalo just got tapped for the lead in a biopic about Thor Heyerdahl.

  2. The only man who should play Hulk Hogan in a biopic is the man pictured below, seated on the right:

  3. Jennifer Lawrence will play me in my biopic.

    • I have chosen Kate Middleton. She’s going to have to get veneers to snaggle up her lower teeth a little, but pretty much we are twins otherwise.

      • An old old blind man once told me I look like Mila Kunis. Happy to take that! She can play me.

        • I have two friends who on separate occasions in the late 90s were told they looked like Monica Lewinsky. They are both still VERY angry about it. So I’m going to have a very hard time casting those two friends, because there’s only so much Monica to go around.

          Also, gnidrah, get off your computer and get down to Leicester Square!! Why do I have to tell you this???

      • Jennifer embodies my love of food, booze, tv, and dislike of pants at home.

    • They will find a way to make a baby with seth rogen and michael cera and that child will play me. Yes, ladies, I am that attractive.

    • I want to be played by Helen Mirren.

    • My closest celebrity lookalike is Hillary Clinton, so I’m not sure if that will work, unless we make the biopic NOW of all the cool shit that’s going to happen in my FUTURE. Otherwise, Ellie Kemper will work for round-faced, dimpled, banged brunetteness.

    • People say I look like Justin Long. I have nothing against him, but those people are insane.

    • I was once told I look like “Queen Amidala” (not Natalie Portman, mind you–Queen Amidala), which I do not, but hey, I’ll take it.

    • I just watched my doppelgänger rot in a Thai prison cell while crying yesterday and I laughed and laughed. I would rather cast Abby Elliott or Anna Faris, though. Danes isn’t funny and my bio will mostly be weird funny things — like losing keys, eating pancakes on my stoop, finding keys SECONDS after I stop eating. Basically the movie Smiley Face without the pot. The Buddies will play my dog.

  4. For the record, Hulk Drake made me snarf my coffee.

  5. So my housemate is told he looks like James Franco all the time. Personally, I think he looks like Charlie from Girls. But whatever. The point is, he went to a modeling agency yesterday and even the modeling agency guy was like, “Whoa, you look like James Franco.” So now my housemate is feeling pretty good about himself. A little too smug for my comfort.

  6. I think about my biopic every day of my life. The actress who would play me hasn’t hit it big yet because I have lots of Important Things to do still and she’ll have to be young enough by the time I’ve done them to play Youthful, Carefree Fatima before getting made up to be Old, Bitter, Miss Havisham Fatima by the final act. She should be saucy and clever, like a young Lauren Becall, with gigantic Shakira hair and a really terrible singing voice.

  7. Tonight the role of Hulk Hogan will be performed by a Ken doll that’s been microwaved for 90 seconds.

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