I have never been to a Bar Mitzvah. The closest I’ve gotten was a friend’s relative’s expensive Long Island Sweet 16 that I invited myself to a few years ago (Long Island Sweet 16s are like normal Sweet 16s, except they’re the kind I’ve been to). That one did not have an opening number, LET ALONE did it have a super elaborate Burlesque-style opening number in which a child in an all-white outfit dances with a bunch of ladies in front of a huge light-up display showing his name, so I am a little out of my league here in terms of religious events for children that I understand, so let me ask you: What was the opening number at your Bar Mitzvah like? Did you, ahhh, something like, have all of your favorite wrestlers come and do “moves” with you on stage, while a bunch of other wrestlers that you didn’t like as much piled on top of each other behind you in a way that formed your name? Or maybe did you have the cast of Gilmore Girls come out, and maybe they did a scene with you on stage? And you got to play Rory? Did Nirvana come, but you had Paul McCartney play Kurt Cobain, but also you made him wear a wig?! Or was it kind of like Sam’s in that you just killed it in an elaborate dance routine with a bunch of grown women? Hmm? TELL ME! What was the opening number at your Bar Matzvah like?!

If Sam’s was this good, I know your’s must have been even better! Don’t be shy! (Via Gawker.)

Comments (20)
  1. well that was the strangest thing i accidentally left on during a call with a client

  2. My dad spoke Klingon at mine, top that SAM.

  3. My Bat Mitzvah was a secular slumber party with my 4 friends and we kicked it off by eating stuffed crust pizza and we took one of those photos like when you all lie on the ground with your heads together in a circle and have someone take your picture from above, and we made a bunch of noise downstairs and my dad came down and yelled at us to keep it down but it was only, like, 10:30. We probably also rented a movie, I want to say The Craft, but I think that must’ve come out on VHS later in the year, like for my friend Anita’s birthday in October.

    So pretty comparable to Sam’s, yeah.

  4. Keith Mars giving someone a pony would pretty much be the best gift…

  5. My sweet sixteen was awful and by sweet sixteen, I mean dinner with my parents and extended family at the new Applebees.

  6. I bet Chuck Bass had a much better bar mitzvah… well if Bart Bass ever cared to notice that his son turned 13 and was Jewish.

  7. How disappointed/disillusioned do you think he was that he didn’t get to actually descend from the ceiling in that giant lamp shade and had to sneak in behind it? THAT’S SHOWBIZ, KID (kid in the literal sense)!

  8. If I have a quinceañera for my dog’s 15th month “birthday” would you guys still speak to me? Also, would you bring beer and a small dog?

  9. My bar mitzvah was more traditional. The burlesque girls danced to “Sweet Caroline”.

  10. My brother got up at my bat mitzvah and made a speech about how he knew i was growing up because he found my training bra in the laundry. It’s been 21 years but OMGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG I CANNOT BELIEVE HE DID THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  11. Ugh – that was more embarassing than my actual bat mitzvah. Take 2:

    My brother got up at my bat mitzvah and made a speech about how he knew i was growing up because he found my training bra in the laundry. It’s been 21 years but OMG I CANNOT BELIEVE HE DID THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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