From LAist: “Mark Wahlberg played it very cool when a fan mistook him for another well-known Boston actor, Matt Damon. The fan and her friends posed with Wahlberg and then shared photos of their encounter, boasting ‘We saw Matt Damon!’ Wahlberg never let on that the fan had made a mistake and later posted the photos to his Facebook account, saying, ‘Close enough.’ The fan later realized she’d ID’d the wrong guy, saying, ‘He didn’t correct us at all, LMAO.’”

Mark Wahlberg’s head hung a bit heavier than usual at the local pub where he and his friends gathered every so often. With a sigh, he licked the salt he had placed on his hand, tossed back a shot of tequila, and chased it all with a lime. “Another Mark Wahlberg?” asked the bartender. A tequila shot is, of course, not typically known as a “Mark Wahlberg,” but the bartender did his job well and could tell that Mark Wahlberg needed a little self esteem boost. “Yeah, one more Mark Wahlberg and a black and tan, please” said Mark Wahlberg. He didn’t question the fact that the bartender referred to a shot of tequila as a “Mark Wahlberg” for a second, and was very quick to go along with it. Maybe because he was distracted? Maybe that was it.

One of Mark Wahlberg’s best friends came into the bar and took the seat next to Mark Wahlberg. He fiddled with his phone for a minute before saying anything and then said, “Sorry, man, just gotta do this one work thing.” But Mark Wahlberg got a peek at his phone and it didn’t look like a work thing. It looked like Candy Crush. Mark Wahlberg felt too vulnerable to call out his friend for it at that moment, but swore to himself that he’d remember the moment for the future, in case there was another time when his friend called him out about being on his cell phone. Plus he knew his friend would feel bad after he told him what he was about to tell him.

“Okay, sorry about that, man. So, what’s up? How are you?” His friend was finally off of his cell phone. “Oh, I don’t know…” Mark Wahlberg trailed off. There was a pause in the conversation. Then his friend broke the silence and shouted to the bartender, “Can I have one glass of whiskey, please?” Uh, what?! It’s almost like his friend didn’t care at all! And it’s also almost like his friend had never ordered whiskey at a bar before! “Hey, man, I’m tryin’ to tell you something, can you listen up?” asked Mark Wahlberg, softly. “Hey, sure thing. What’s wrong? Did something happen?” “Yeah, something happened.”

Mark Wahlberg told his friend the whole story — how he had run into two ladies who were excited to meet him, which is pretty standard for Mark Wahlberg, and it was all going fine until he could hear what they were shouting at him. “MATT DAMON! MATT DAMON!” How he brushed it off and didn’t even mention that they’d gotten the wrong Boston actor, how he took a picture with a big smile and sent them on their way. How he acted like an angel when, inside, his wings had shattered. “Oh wow– They called you Matt Damon, dude?” asked Mark Wahlberg’s friend. He knew this was bad.


”If I was in that parking lot with those girls, it wouldn’t have went down like it did,” Mark Wahlberg’s friend said with a sigh. Uh-oh. This really set Mark Wahlberg off. “It’s that supposed to be a fuckin’ joke, man?” asked Matt Damon Mark Wahlberg, turning his ear toward his friend in an exaggerated way. “Can you say that again, man? I don’t think I fuckin’ heard you.” Now he was aggressively alternating between pointing at his ear and pointing at his friend’s mouth. “Say it right in my fuckin’ ear, man. Say it into my ear so I can hear it this time.” He pressed his ear against his friend’s mouth, and a little bit of his ear actually went inside of his friend’s mouth. Intimidating and bitter.

After slamming down another Mark Wahlberg, Mark Wahlberg calmed down. “It’s just, I don’t want to have that Ryan Gosling/Ryan Reynolds thing, you know? I always laughed at that thing. I always felt bad for those dudes, always getting themselves confused as the other dude. I mean, I respect Matt Damon a lot, I think he’s a great actor and an even better human being, but…Ah, I don’t know.” “No, I know, man,” said his friend, “That’s tough. I’m sorry that happened. But it was the first time, right? Maybe it was just those girls.” Mark Wahlberg’s eyes welled up with tears and he could feel his face getting red. It wasn’t the first time. “It wasn’t the first time,” Mark Wahlberg confessed, barely containing the sobs caught in his throat. “It wasn’t the first time someone called me Matt Damon by accident.” Mark Wahlberg was full on crying now.

Mark Wahlberg’s friend put his arm around Mark Wahlberg’s shoulders. “You and Matt Damon are both incredibly talented, incredibly handsome Boston treasures. If anything, I think you should take this as a compliment. People associate you with the best of the best. And, if you’re wonderin’, I’d say the same thing to Matt Damon.” Man. At the end of the day, Mark Wahlberg’s friend actually turned out to be a good guy. Mark Wahlberg dried his tears, took another Mark Wahlberg, this time out of joy instead of pain, and went home. (In a taxi.)

The End. (Thanks for the tip, Jeb and Megan!)

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Comments (29)
  1. That’s a good sport right there. Can’t hate on that.

  2. Kelly, not to Rashomon this entire story, but I seem to remember this ending a lot differently.

  3. Wow, Mark Wahlberg must have been feeling pretty low that he went to some no-name bar instead of Wahlburgers when he was feeling down.

  4. Kelly Can Make It Up!!

  5. I have a remarkably relevant story.

    One day, maybe five or six years ago*, I was out with my family when we saw Mark Wahlberg. I pointed him out and my dad asked if I wanted a picture with him. I said “sure,” and my dad straight up shouted, “HEY MIKE!” Mark Wahlberg either misheard or didn’t care, because he did take that picture with me. The end.

    *Time stamped because I am no longer a person who asks celebrities for photos.

  6. it’s funny because they all look alike.

  7. I bet those fans were so confused about why Matt Damon kept trying to give them Wahlburgers coupons.

  8. If Matt Damon had been there it wouldn’t have went down like it did.

  9. Now if she had mistaken him for Ben Affleck….

    • Can I use this in my day-to-day life? I’m creating a website about specialty cocktails and I’d love to have a joke entry called the Mark Wahlberg and cite this image and Kelly’s amazing prose as where you get it.

  10. This is good to know; now I don’t have to feel bad about getting him mixed up with Rob Base all the time.

  11. Oh man, such a fun post. Good job, Gabe.

  12. Speaking of CCS, how do you beat level 97?

  13. “Do you like apples?”
    “Uh, I guess”
    “Cause I’m Mark Wahlberg. How do you like them apples?”
    “So you want an appletini, then? Or a cider maybe?”
    “Dammit, just give me another Mark Wahlberg.”

  14. He actually looks lot like Gary Oldman in that picture. But I suppose he’d rather be mistaken for Matt Youngman…

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