Unfortunately, I watched The Canyons this weekend. (I feel free enough to give a bad review, as I have never been on The Simpsons, so I know my negative feelings won’t be taken to heart, which they should not be, because go fuck myself.) Is this what the genre “horror porn” means? Horrible movies that are similar to porn but with a lot more talking, and that make you nervous for a reason you can’t put your finger on, and that honestly maybe could have been good if either the writer or director had been different, and also all of the actors, as they were kind of the reverse of mumblecore-style people acting like boring regular people, and instead were people trying to act like actors who are portraying weird non-humans?! (JK, I know what “horror porn” means.) (Spooky porn!) You know what the movie is about, right? Christian (James Deen) is a trust-fund baby/movie-funder who lives with his girlfriend, Lindsay Lohan, and invites people from online to do it with them a couple times a week. (He is allowed to do it with other people as well, but she is not, because he is controlling.) It’s all goes perfectly until you find out that Lindsay Lohan is doing it with someone, and that someone is Christian’s assistant’s boyfriend who is also cast as the lead in an upcoming film he is funding. UGH. Can’t movies just be about people living their happy trust-fund lives and soliciting Internet sex while controlling their Lindsay Lohan without it all turning to shit anymore?! Everything has to be a sob story these days. I won’t spoil the ending for you because we didn’t do a movie club, so I don’t know if you watched it. (I certainly assume you did, as it is The Canyons, but I have no way of knowing for sure.) I also cannot spoil the ending for you, because 25 minutes before the film ended, my TV (I watched it on VOD) started doing this. Hahah. You win, TV! I trust you! You always have my back. I thought, though, that I would share a collection of the faces I made throughout my screening to give you a better, spoiler-free look into what watching The Canyons is like. (Lindsay Weber’s collection of Lindsay Lohan faces should also give you a pretty good idea.)

“Ready To Start The Movie And Give It A Shot With The Hope That Lindsay Lohan Proves Everyone’s Negative Expectations Wrong” Face

“Opening Credits Set To Shots Of An Abandoned Movie Theater” Face

“Watching Lindsay Lohan In The First Scene” Face

“Watching James Deen In The First Scene” Face(s)

“Lindsay Lohan Disrobes” Face

“First Internet Man Disrobes” Face

“Alternating Faces For The Rest Of The Movie” Faces

“Time Warner Sucks And It’s Absolute Bullshit That This Movie Has Just Stopped Working, I Paid $6 For This Dumb Thing, Damnit, But You Know What, Actually I’m Okay With It, I’m Tired” Face

THE END. Did you watch it? What faces did you make? This one :-/ ?

Comments (39)
  1. Aw man, Kelly! I wish I had known you were seeing this this weekend because then I would’ve gone too. Instead I saw The Act of Killing, This is the End, The Pact (Netflix), and Behind the Candelabra (HBO). All of which were good for what they had to offer.

    And speaking of stupid On Demand junk, I haven’t seen the last twenty minutes of the season three finale of The Walking Dead because every time I tried, it cut out after 24 minutes or something. So my face was all:

    My “I don’t even care anymore!” Face.

    • Also this was me during the Michael Cera scenes of This is the End.

      Not a fan. (I too have long flowing curly locks just kidding I don’t.)

  2. Kelly! Are you the last woman standing at the Videogum corral now? I spent all of Fri-Sun writing a position paper for my former (and future?!) boss’ campaign, and so I missed the entire Gabe virtual funeral, ten thousand comment salute, river of tears…I guess that means that now is my time to write some kind of longish reflective comment?

    I hope that you are giving your face muscles a nice relaxing face massage after all those expressions you made, and that Gabe left you with at least twelve refrigerators of iced coffee and a few loops of cute animal footage so you can get through the rest of the summer’s post load in one piece. We believe in you!

  3. I did not watch it, but my face is very sympathetic right now.

  4. There has to be a great drinking game to play while watching this movie. Take a shot every time you wonder about Lindsay Lohan’s mental health? or any time something offensive happens? or any time you want to shoot yourself?

  5. So glad you did not roll your eyes right out of you head Kelly!

  6. I dunno how James Deen will feel about this but I heard Yeardley Smith and Dan Castellaneta made VERY similar reaction faces.

  7. I didn’t watch it, but I assume I would have made the same face I make any time I read about Lindsay Lohan’s life and career:

  8. This movie sounds pretty terrible because Lindsay Lohan already has rich people problems and I don’t care about those now, so why should I when they’re fictional? Other than the awesome advice from James Deen about going to fuck myself because i’m not in The Simpsons?

  9. I feel like so many things about Brett Easton Ellis could be explained/solved if we could just convince him that your personality and interests should evolve with age and personal growth.*

    *Lol, personal growth. Yeah right, me.

  10. How is it possible that even when she’s wearing so much makeup Lindsay looks so tired? Watch a YouTube tutorial, lady!!!

  11. Tried to watch it. Got most of the way through before I had to turn it off. Kelly’s “First Internet Man Disrobes” face is a face I feel I probably make a lot in my daily life.

  12. A photo of me while watching The Canyons:

    Just kidding guys, I have never seen The Canyons.

  13. Kelly, you and I both know that you have a skinnier face than that. That is a very poor representation of what you look like. Also you’re nowhere near that pale.

  14. I watched this movie over the weekend, too, and all I have to say is “TextTV.” I KNOW all my Canyons-heads are feeling me.

    • Seriously, in a movie full of ridiculous things, TextTV was the most ridiculous.

      Except for maybe how long Lindsay held her ear to the receiver of the one phone she was using to locate her other phone. No one does that! You just hold the phone and listen for your other phone’s ring!

  15. i legit thought “the canyons” was the elizabeth taylor biopic that lohan was in on that one network for women. i thought they hired a porn star to play richard burton…i guess i was wrong.

  16. This is like a WMOAT and a Take One For The Team and an art project all in one!

    Kelly, you are officially my favorite now. Look: :-D

  17. Pace yourself, girl! This is a lot of good material for your first day running the show!

  18. Kelly, don’t want to freak you out but I think your mom reads this blog

  19. Haha. Based on the banana sweater photo, those do look like Kelly.

  20. A friend of mine is legitimately excited to see this, and seems to think that Bret Easton Ellis, the world’s biggest The Hills fan, is going to have interesting critiques on “the death of cinema.” He’s a good friend though, so I’ve tried not to tell him how impossibly stupid I feel his position on this clearly crappy movie is.

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