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Yesterday Gawker pointed out a series of commercials for Scientology that have been running during, among other things, Anderson Cooper 360 (:(), and noted that they look like prescription antidepressant ads, which I guess they do, but they’re as similar to Mormon and Christian commercials, just much scarier and more like promos for The X Files. It’s kind of hard to believe that they’re actually real, because you would think Scientology would want to go the happy route instead of the futuristic lonely blue-black wasteland one, but what do you expect from a religion that is literally about aliens that live inside us. Here’s a slightly longer version of the “Truth” ad. I feel “an unexplainable emptiness” just watching this:

Whoever wrote the “Some think they can buy it” (shot of tan lady in front of mansion) part has a lot of balls.

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Comments (48)
  1. I like how unhappy that woman looks purchasing the clothes. “I don’t want to buy this many clothes, but aliens are making me do it : ( “

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  3. Hey you guys, remembering when Scientology wasn’t a thing? That was great.

  4. Gmarley  |   Posted on Jun 17th, 2009 +36

    I stopped at “Some think they can buy it…” Ironyology.

  5. Finally something to fill my space-religion-shaped hole.

  6. You think enlightened Thetans would know all they had to say was “come hang out with Kirstie Alley, Doug E. Fresh, and John Fucking Tavolta”.

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  8. Anonymous better not start purchasing ad space too, because i’m already rolling my eyes over these scientology ads and i don’t know if it’s physically possible to roll them any further.

  9. I am, at turns, amused and scared shitless.

  10. GODDAMN IT. If your faith, understanding, or reading of reality is swayed by A FUCKIN COMMERCIAL you are a weakass bitch who has never taken the time to really consider why you believe what you already believe anyways.

    Scientology is the worst. I like the “buying it shot” because WHOOPS a shit ton of scicrazies are GODDAMNED MOVIE STARS. Maybe I should just mail out Bibles or something.

  11. The tagline should read, “Scientology: No yourself, No life.”

  12. mike  |   Posted on Jun 17th, 2009 +8

    Did anyone else laugh out loud when Scientology was unveiled at the end? It’s always the punchline.

  13. JDR  |   Posted on Jun 17th, 2009 +3

    Come to think of it, who wouldn’t want to go through life believing they were on the business end of a Ridley Scott epic? The 8 year old in me is already writing a check…

  14. Didn’t they steal most of this from The Matrix? Welcome to 1999, Scientology!

  15. Needs more Philip Glass.

  16. “that can only be filled by one thing. . .”

    SNAP INTO A SLIM JIM!

    /Macho Man’d

  17. Looks like a Michael Mann film.


    Reply

  18. I wasn’t aware that what I was actually searching for was to learn about Zenu, lose all my friends, get watched like I was a unabomber and spend $800K on doing so. Thanks again L. Ron, who by the way continues to write me like we are camp friends.

  19. JetEngineJesus  |   Posted on Jun 17th, 2009 -13

    Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see

  20. BOOOOOOOOOOOO! I just got an “unvalid parameters” message.

  21. Oskar  |   Posted on Jun 17th, 2009 +1

    The guy who narrates this sounds like the guy who narrated “The Virgin Suicides”..

  22. So… they’re talking about sex, right?

  23. This looks like a commercial for “Heroes” from the mystical voice-over to the mystical music

  24. I am fairly certain after seeing this commercial that everything sucks everywhere and everyone is a piece of shit

  25. Rulzorxz  |   Posted on Jun 17th, 2009 0

    So ummm…when did Jack Bauer become a Scientologist? Listen to the video again and tell me it didn’t sound like Jack Bauer, I thought he was going around, saving the world and killing terrorists. Damn alien overlords took Jack Bauer!

    No, but seriously, Scientology, wtf??

  26. jaunty Missive  |   Posted on Jun 18th, 2009 +3

    This movie looks fucking awesome.

  27. Andrew  |   Posted on Jun 23rd, 2009 +1

    Lindsay, a Scientology media person contacted me about placing links to a YouTube playlist on my blog.

  28. OsirisISsirius  |   Posted on Jun 24th, 2009 +1

    “Know Yourself, know life”…interesting when one considers the nihilistic
    black magic roots of Scientology. Interesting because of the audio pun..
    “Know yourself” becomes “No Yourself (no self), “Know Life ” beomes
    “No Life”.. The use of such puns is common in advertising as an effective
    way to convey double meaning; almost, but not quite, subliminal trickery.
    In a sense, the ad is truthful. If you get far enough into Scientology, you
    will end up with “no self” and “no life”. There have been enough suicides
    in Scientology (google it!) to prove that point!

  29. exoterica  |   Posted on Sep 14th, 2009 0

    I agree, I hear it as Duchovney, though we’ve entered the age when Lowes has BOTH Gene Hackman and a fake Gene Hackman for those months when they need to save a few bucks.
    You gotta think, though, scientology and sex addiction have enough in common that you can imagine them Sea-Orgiasts picking up the phone and saying, “Dave! You go, boy! C’mon aboard!!”

  30. saytostroy  |   Posted on Sep 30th, 2009 -1

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