Kelly: How are you?!
Gabe: I’m pretty good, thanks!
Gabe: I’m walking on sunshine JK!
Kelly: How dare you!
Gabe: WHY WON’T ANYONE LET ME BE HAPPY FOR ONCE IN MY LIFE?!
Gabe: what is better than being present at your own funeral?!
Kelly: R.I.P. Gabe Delahaye
Kelly: He walked on sunshine and left us all in the mud.
Gabe: (1945 − 2012)
Kelly: I can’t believe that this is the last time we’ll ever talk to each other.
Kelly: Do you have anything you want to say to me?
Gabe: i do
Kelly: A lot of meaning in just three letters.
Gabe: kelly, before I go, I just want to say
Kelly: Gabe, before you go, I just want to say
Kelly: drop dead
Gabe: the student has become the blogger
Kelly: Say hello to your Birdie for me
Kelly: -Mark Wahlberg
Gabe: good one, kelly
Gabe: i’m going to miss these chats
Gabe: 4TH DEGREE BURN
Kelly: It’s not a burn because I read it sincerely.
Kelly: It’s all in how you read it.
Gabe: ugh, burns never come off right in chats
Gabe: you can’t convey the proper “burn tone”
Kelly: Wait, now Rashida Jones and Rob Lowe are leaving Parks and Recreation?!
Kelly: DOESN’T ANYBODY STAY IN ONE PLACE ANYMORE?!
Gabe: when DID everyone stay in one place?
Gabe: was there some glorious 40 year period where not a single thing happened in the world?
Gabe: things were so much better in World War II when people were kept in camps and not allowed to leave their sitcoms!
Gabe: that’s you
Kelly: That’s not me!!!
Gabe: ENTERTAINMENT NAZI
Gabe: you’ve heard of the soup nazis?
Gabe: you’re like that but instead of for soup it’s for other stuff
Gabe: i hope my jewish world war II veteran grandpa reads this post
Gabe: he will be so proud to have fought bravely
Gabe: so that i could casually toss off
Gabe: a holocaust joke that barely even makes sense
Gabe: in an IM for public consumption
Gabe: on a blog about trampoline accidents
Gabe: THE TREE OF LIFE IS STRONG
Kelly: “The tree of life is strong in this one.”
Kelly: -Star Wars
Gabe: i thought friday was going to be my last day
Gabe: but i guess we can make it today
Gabe: if you INSIST
Kelly: What do you want to talk about in our last chat?
Kelly: Paul Haggis’s open letter about Leah Remini?
Gabe: i thought you’d never mention it
Kelly: Did you ever think about how you’re kind of like L. Ron Hubbard and I’m kind of like David Miscavige
Gabe: yeah, i’ve thought about it
Kelly: Yeah me too
Kelly: “According to what I read on Tony Ortega’s blog, at the 2006 wedding of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, Leah asked questions about her longtime friend Shelly, David Miscavige’s wife, who had suddenly disappeared. [Editor’s note: An attorney for Shelly Miscavige told Us Weekly in 2012: “She is not missing. Any reports that she is missing are false. Mrs. Miscavige has been working nonstop in the church, as she always has.”]”
Kelly: I. love. the. church. of. scientology.
Gabe: the thing i don’t understand
Gabe: about the church of scientology
Gabe: is why they bother defending themselves all the time
Kelly: Oh it’s because they’re lunatics.
Gabe: no but that’s sort of what i mean
Gabe: like, OBVIOUSLY they are lunatics
Gabe: but their defenses always seem to be saying, like
Gabe: “No way, we AREN’T lunatics” which is what a lunatic would say
Kelly: “In fact, everyone else is a lunatic.”
Gabe: why don’t they just say “We don’t even need to defend ourselves. We, like everyone else, are normal, so what is there to defend.”
Gabe: it seems like every time someone leaves the church of scientology
Gabe: they certainly have stories they can tell, but mostly they want to be done
Gabe: and then the church is the one who actually goes out of their way
Gabe: to be like WE PROBABLY DON’T SHOOT OUR WIVES IN THE FACE
Kelly: Yeah absolutely
Gabe: everyone’s like “I think I’m just going to be done”
Gabe: and they’re like “Done? THERE IS NO DONE WE WILL SHOW YOU DONE”
Gabe: and then when everyone’s like “Well that seems weird”
Gabe: the church is like “NOTHING IS WEIRD WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT WE ARE FINE AND MOST OF ALL NORMAL WE DON’T EVEN PROBABLY SHOOT PEOPLE IN THE FACE, THESE PEOPLE LEAVING ARE MANIACS WHY WOULD YOU LEAVE?!”
Kelly: Hahaha right
Kelly: And they seem to go to lengths
Kelly: to try to besmirch the characters of those who have left
Kelly: As if someone on the outside will look at these screaming lunatics
Kelly: And be like oh wow yeah this person seems crazy?
Gabe: well but that’s also what i mean
Gabe: the Church is worried that these “lunatics” will make them look bad
Gabe: but they also want everyone to believe they themselves are normal and not lunatics
Gabe: in which case wouldn’t the rest of us
Gabe: dismiss these lunatics as lunatics
Gabe: since we, like the scientologists, are all normal and can tell a lunatic when we see one?
Gabe: it’s a real The Lady Doth Protest Too Much situation
Kelly: It’s a real “You want some ice cream in case there are no gay people there?” situation
Gabe: i forgot about that all too common type situation but yes
Gabe: that is exactly what it is like
Gabe: the Church of Scienotlogy is basically a closeted homosexual that goes out gay bashing every six months
Gabe: but, like, no one REALLY cares either way?
Kelly: Hahah yes
Gabe: like, people are into all kinds of weird stuff out there
Gabe: who cares
Kelly: Right. I mean, people are definitely going to keep writing about how insane they are
Kelly: So they aren’t completely crazy in thinking that some people will be out to expose them
Gabe: well and also, people write about how insane EVERYTHING is
Kelly: But also people do that about every religion
Kelly: So relax
Kelly: You’ve got so many lifetimes of this in your future chill out dudes
Gabe: haha SERIOUSLY
Gabe: a billion years is a long time when you’re being such a BITCH to everyone
Gabe: how are you going to sign a one billion year contract
Gabe: and then worry about what Leah Remini is up to?
Kelly: For real
Gabe: worry about yourself, Scientology
Kelly: It will suck not having you on the site
Kelly: But I do think your Scientology expose “Worry About Yourself, Scientology” will be worth it
Gabe: thank you
Kelly: Do you have any final words or anything?
Kelly: This is a pretty big moment
Gabe: just a city boy
Gabe: born and raised in south detroit
Kelly: uh oh
Gabe: he took the midnight train going anywhere
Gabe: don’t stop b
[Gabe has logged off]