Kelly: Gabe!
Gabe: Kelly!
Kelly: How are you?!
Gabe: I’m pretty good, thanks!
Gabe: I’m walking on sunshine JK!
Kelly: How dare you!
Gabe: WHY WON’T ANYONE LET ME BE HAPPY FOR ONCE IN MY LIFE?!
Gabe: what is better than being present at your own funeral?!
Kelly: R.I.P. Gabe Delahaye
Kelly: He walked on sunshine and left us all in the mud.
Gabe: (1945 − 2012)
Kelly: hahah
Kelly: I can’t believe that this is the last time we’ll ever talk to each other.
Kelly: Do you have anything you want to say to me?
Gabe: i do
Gabe: BYE!
Kelly: A lot of meaning in just three letters.

Gabe: kelly, before I go, I just want to say
Gabe: goodbye
Kelly: Gabe, before you go, I just want to say
Kelly: drop dead
Gabe: the student has become the blogger
Kelly: Say hello to your Birdie for me
Kelly: -Mark Wahlberg
Gabe: good one, kelly
Gabe: i’m going to miss these chats
Gabe: BURN.
Gabe: 4TH DEGREE BURN
Kelly: It’s not a burn because I read it sincerely.
Kelly: It’s all in how you read it.
Gabe: ugh, burns never come off right in chats
Gabe: you can’t convey the proper “burn tone”
Kelly: Wait, now Rashida Jones and Rob Lowe are leaving Parks and Recreation?!
Kelly: DOESN’T ANYBODY STAY IN ONE PLACE ANYMORE?!
Gabe: wait
Gabe: when DID everyone stay in one place?
Gabe: was there some glorious 40 year period where not a single thing happened in the world?
Gabe: things were so much better in World War II when people were kept in camps and not allowed to leave their sitcoms!
Kelly: WHOA.
Gabe: that’s you
Kelly: That’s not me!!!
Gabe: ENTERTAINMENT NAZI
Kelly: AHHH
Gabe: you’ve heard of the soup nazis?
Kelly: Mmhm
Gabe: you’re like that but instead of for soup it’s for other stuff

Gabe: i hope my jewish world war II veteran grandpa reads this post
Gabe: he will be so proud to have fought bravely
Gabe: so that i could casually toss off
Gabe: a holocaust joke that barely even makes sense
Gabe: in an IM for public consumption
Gabe: on a blog about trampoline accidents
Gabe: THE TREE OF LIFE IS STRONG
Kelly: “The tree of life is strong in this one.”
Kelly: -Star Wars
Gabe: well
Gabe: i thought friday was going to be my last day
Gabe: but i guess we can make it today
Gabe: if you INSIST
Kelly: :’(
Kelly: What do you want to talk about in our last chat?
Kelly: Paul Haggis’s open letter about Leah Remini?
Gabe: i thought you’d never mention it
Kelly: Did you ever think about how you’re kind of like L. Ron Hubbard and I’m kind of like David Miscavige
Gabe: yeah, i’ve thought about it
Kelly: Yeah me too
Gabe: yeah
Kelly: “According to what I read on Tony Ortega’s blog, at the 2006 wedding of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, Leah asked questions about her longtime friend Shelly, David Miscavige’s wife, who had suddenly disappeared. [Editor’s note: An attorney for Shelly Miscavige told Us Weekly in 2012: “She is not missing. Any reports that she is missing are false. Mrs. Miscavige has been working nonstop in the church, as she always has.”]”
Kelly: I. love. the. church. of. scientology.
Gabe: the thing i don’t understand
Gabe: about the church of scientology
Gabe: is why they bother defending themselves all the time

Kelly: Oh it’s because they’re lunatics.
Gabe: no but that’s sort of what i mean
Gabe: like, OBVIOUSLY they are lunatics
Gabe: but their defenses always seem to be saying, like
Gabe: “No way, we AREN’T lunatics” which is what a lunatic would say
Kelly: Yeah
Kelly: “In fact, everyone else is a lunatic.”
Gabe: why don’t they just say “We don’t even need to defend ourselves. We, like everyone else, are normal, so what is there to defend.”
Gabe: it seems like every time someone leaves the church of scientology
Gabe: they certainly have stories they can tell, but mostly they want to be done
Gabe: and then the church is the one who actually goes out of their way
Gabe: to be like WE PROBABLY DON’T SHOOT OUR WIVES IN THE FACE
Kelly: Hahahah
Kelly: Yeah absolutely
Gabe: everyone’s like “I think I’m just going to be done”
Gabe: and they’re like “Done? THERE IS NO DONE WE WILL SHOW YOU DONE”
Gabe: and then when everyone’s like “Well that seems weird”
Gabe: the church is like “NOTHING IS WEIRD WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT WE ARE FINE AND MOST OF ALL NORMAL WE DON’T EVEN PROBABLY SHOOT PEOPLE IN THE FACE, THESE PEOPLE LEAVING ARE MANIACS WHY WOULD YOU LEAVE?!”
Kelly: Hahaha right
Kelly: And they seem to go to lengths
Kelly: to try to besmirch the characters of those who have left
Kelly: As if someone on the outside will look at these screaming lunatics
Kelly: And be like oh wow yeah this person seems crazy?
Gabe: well but that’s also what i mean
Gabe: the Church is worried that these “lunatics” will make them look bad
Gabe: but they also want everyone to believe they themselves are normal and not lunatics
Kelly: Yeah
Gabe: in which case wouldn’t the rest of us
Gabe: dismiss these lunatics as lunatics
Gabe: since we, like the scientologists, are all normal and can tell a lunatic when we see one?
Gabe: it’s a real The Lady Doth Protest Too Much situation
Kelly: Yes
Kelly: It’s a real “You want some ice cream in case there are no gay people there?” situation
Gabe: hahahahaahah
Gabe: i forgot about that all too common type situation but yes
Gabe: that is exactly what it is like
Gabe: the Church of Scienotlogy is basically a closeted homosexual that goes out gay bashing every six months
Gabe: but, like, no one REALLY cares either way?
Kelly: Hahah yes
Gabe: like, people are into all kinds of weird stuff out there
Gabe: who cares
Kelly: Right. I mean, people are definitely going to keep writing about how insane they are
Kelly: So they aren’t completely crazy in thinking that some people will be out to expose them
Gabe: well and also, people write about how insane EVERYTHING is
Kelly: But also people do that about every religion
Kelly: right
Kelly: So relax
Kelly: You’ve got so many lifetimes of this in your future chill out dudes

Gabe: haha SERIOUSLY
Gabe: a billion years is a long time when you’re being such a BITCH to everyone
Kelly: hahahah
Gabe: how are you going to sign a one billion year contract
Gabe: and then worry about what Leah Remini is up to?
Kelly: For real
Gabe: worry about yourself, Scientology
Kelly: It will suck not having you on the site
Kelly: But I do think your Scientology expose “Worry About Yourself, Scientology” will be worth it
Gabe: thank you
Kelly: So
Kelly: Do you have any final words or anything?
Kelly: This is a pretty big moment
Gabe: just a city boy
Gabe: born and raised in south detroit
Kelly: uh oh
Gabe: he took the midnight train going anywhere
Kelly: Gabe?
Gabe: don’t stop b
[Gabe has logged off]

Comments (63)
  1. don’t go gabe. don’t go…

  2. Always a good excuse to post this pic of Tom Cruise’s weird tooth that always freaks out Kelly:

    • i thought attractiveness was based on symmetry science. people used to tell me this guy was attractive.

    • In Tom’s defense I think his teeth are fine. It’s just that the rest of his face is crooked. 3/4 of his face is on the right side of his head. I think his mother might have been a halibut.

  3. [Editor’s note: An attorney for Gabe Delahaye told Us Weekly in 2013: “He is not missing. Any reports that he is missing are false. Mr. Delahaye has been working nonstop at videogum.com, as he always has.”]

  4. GABE, I have A GIFT for you COME FRIDAY. Get PUMPED.

  5. on the P&R stuff: I hope this doesn’t mean that Parks is going to turn into the Office, neverending and terrible.

  6. who is kelly supposed to have friendly chats with NOW, gabe? WON’T SOMEONE PLEASE THINK OF THE KELLYS?

    • I AM ON GCHAT PRETTY MUCH ALL DAY, KELLY!!! If you ever want to chat about anything.

    • KELLY: hey gabe.
      KELLY: hello?
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      KELLY: hello?

  7. Grand Rapids is not Detroit! You’re not fooling anybody, liar!

  8. How ironic that Gabe is leaving us to go blog at nohomo.seaorg.org. :(

  9. Anybody else notice that it’s Wednesday, and Gabe apparently no longer gives a damn how everybody’s day was today?

    • They probably can’t handle all the feelings floating around this week! If you’re asking though, my day was great. I got the exciting job that I’m way under-qualified for that pays 2x more than I’ve ever made before in my life, and I took the dog on a really long hike through some trails and we saw 2 foxes and a marmot and a baby porcupine and tons of ducks and sandpipers and very pretty birds whose names I don’t know. Also, I found out that there is a paranormal research society (lololol) in my area so I emailed them to join and I am going ghost hunting (lololol) with them at an old convent on Friday. So if you never hear from me again, I was killed by ghosts, R.I.P. Fatima. Oh and speaking of dead, on the drive to the trails today we passed by a mom mowing the lawn with a little kid running around behind her with a toy mower making lawn mower noises and I died a thousand times and might get a toy lawn mower for the dog? Might do.

      • What about YOUR ghost, fatima? What about YOUR GHOST?

        My day: I think my work computer is dying. Again.
        Thankfully, in my culture, I do not carry the spirits of all the dead Dell laptops upon my back in the afterlife. At least, not that I know of.

        • My ghosts are all quiet, BUT the dog cries at the top of the stairs every time I go into the basement, so I think I’m right about something being up.

          • Can you put one of the creepy found crosses around the neck of your dog to see if it works? Because, if it does, THAT IS A 100 PERCENT HAUNTED HOUSE. #science

      • Your current life sounds like the ideal life that I might get in heaven. Foxes and riches and membership in a ghost-hunting league!

      • Facetaquito does that! It’s far less adorable when you’re the one trying to mow and also not run over your child. But we wear matching Spiderman t-shirts when we mow, which makes it somewhat better.

    • YEAH what happens TOMORROW? THIS Gabe leaving THING IS throwing the entire GUMVERSE out of WHACK!

  10. Remember back when Kelly first showed up and we all suspected that she was a PTS? Who knew that in a couple of short years Gabe would turn out to be the real SP! We will miss you when you have been shunned, Gabe. May the thetans be with you, always.

  11. Fun fact: The hotel where I stayed in during my last trip to New York was next to the NY office for Scientology. Times Square is a fun place.

    • They’re building a brand new Scientology building across the street from my house. The lot would be perfect for a restaurant/bar in my fun neighborhood, but I guess Scientologists have the money. Sigh.

  12. Kelly this was like your one chance to fire Gabe.

  13. Gabe, best of luck to you wherever you are going. Here is some ice cream baby in case there are no ice cream babies there.

  14. Remember when everyone thought Paul Haggis was a great director and then we were all like, “Oh yeah, Crash was terrible.”?

    • To be fair, he made Crash when he was still a Scientologist. Its sophomoric perspective makes some sense bearing that in mind. (That doesn’t excuse the Oscar win. What the hell was that about?)

  15. Also great that Kelly didn’t get fired!

  16. Thank you for doing what you can to make the world a better place, Gabe. I’ll miss you.

  17. I’m glad Leah left Scientology so that I can watch those episodes of Saved By The Bell where they worked at the beach resort without feeling awkward.

  18. You guys buried the lede! Actual quote from that article: “How dare you compare a great man like David Miscavige to Martin Luther King!”

  19. And so it is.

  20. All of this has happened before, and all of it will happen again.

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