“Hey George Clooney, r u awake? Did u see Under the Dome 2nite? Need 2 chat w/someone about it. This is Jessica Simpson.” “Hey Paul Reubens, can you pick up an onion on your way over? Tom Cruise forgot (right). This is the cast of Parenthood.” “Hey Jennifer Lawrence, i luv ur work, ur gr8, can u plz come 2 my party? u’ll kno ppl. itll be funlet me know, from Bill Gates.” “Hey JLo whatap. Love, Bono.” WHAT DO YOU THINK THEY SAY IN THEIR TEXTS?! Those are just my guesses, they’re not taken from IRL, but we get a peek into some IRL celebrity texting in this month’s issue of Elle UK, from Katy Perry to Kristen Stewart:

“I sent her a text message saying: ‘I know you’ve seen all this stuff but you know I would never disrespect you. I’m not that person. I’m just trying to be a friend to him [Ed Note: Him = Robert Pattinson!!] but it is unfortunate that I do have a set of tits.’”

But what emoji did you use, Katy Perry?! (Just kidding, I’m pretty sure she used this one.) (Or ambulance.) Celebrities, they text the ex-girlfriends of their current friends to assure them they they are not dating each other just like we never would, because it’s awkward! WHAT ELSE DO THEY TEXT THOUGH?! This isn’t a game, I just want to know. cc: @obama (Via Dlisted.)

Comments (48)
  1. I’m just glad she decided to respond to allegations that she has a set of tits.

  2. Piven, It’s Wahlberg. U jst kno f I wz on dat plane, 9/11 wouldn’t hav hapnd.

  3. Louis, it’s Jude. Let’s go to Flanny’s and take turns making out with her.

  4. Jennifer, it’s Angelina. I drink your milkshake.

  5. Yo Harry it’s Will. I’m up 7000000 to 12.

  6. Whither the whispering meadows? Harken, let the silence speak to your soul. We gather in the meadows at dawn. Bring the welding torch – Tilda

  7. “Fourscore and seven minutes ago I asked my manservant for some goddamn Raisin Bran with soy milk and the lad has not yet acquiesced to my humble request. Methinks he shall be fired ere long.” – Daniel Day-Lewis to Sally Field on the set of Lincoln

  8. “Ashton, dude, wurs my car?” “Sean, idk.”

  9. u up? – anthony weiner

  10. I actually think this is kind of sweet. Also, I like her outfit on the cover and if I had those legs and also not a real job and also a million dollars, I would wear it around.

  11. “Hey Kate let me know if u need any baby advice!” – Snooki

  12. “Gwyn I haven’t seen a new Goop post in a while where are u at?” – Gabe

  13. hey russ, do u have an extra pair of pants handy? thx – hj

  14. i thought the consensus was that celebrities didn’t actually use technology and left that to the peons like us.

  15. Kanye: Good job today, Kanye.

  16. “Sup, Jay Z! Remember how we’re best friends??” -Gwenyth Paltrow
    “Who is this?” -Jay Z

  17. You guys, side note: I try and use very proper grammar on texts. I don’t really know why since they are so low on the chain of written communication that matters. I guess I just don’t like deciphering abbreviated texts and so… #goldenrule. Am I the only one or are there more out there?!

  18. “Hey Gabe, quitting’s cool, no big deal. I can see your new blog from my merch site.” — Sarah Palin

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