I like to imagine that every morning before she leaves the safe house this master criminal tries to explain to her crew that after this final poop job she is getting out of the poop game for good. But every morning after the heist is complete, the rush of adrenaline is too much, and she is reminded once again that she will never get out of the game, it is in her blood, and she won’t be able to relax on a beach somewhere with a couple of Mai Thais, that’s just not who she is, the siren song of the ultimate crime calls to her again. Also Bobby is kind of the worst?

Comments (28)
  1. “Malicious Fecal Distribution” ruining our streets!

  2. Forget it Gabe, it’s Albuquerque.

  3. Maybe her lenten promise was not to poop for 40 days?

  4. While Bobby says that he will go to the authorities if this behavior continues, off-camera he did admit that his tomato plants have never looked better.

  5. I can’t watch the video at work, and I’m assuming the content based on the description and your responses, but can someone tell me if they clarified what sort of toilet paper substitute is being used?

  6. I suspect she has recently moved in with her boyfriend and is afraid to poop while he’s in the apartment, so she “goes for a run” when she “has the…” Nope, not going to type that out. But you know what I mean, right?

  7. Oh cool. An anonymous website with a halfway decent lead in for me to tell my daughter’s poop story from this morning without telling all of my real friends and relations!

    So, my 4-year old is in on the potty this morning doing her morning routine and comes running out of the bathroom absolutely ecstatic with joy. She had discovered something amazing that she wanted to share with me before I left for work. I knew this was going to end badly, but I accommodated my little princess because Daddy leaving for work time is traumatic enough most days. So, she drags me in and points into the toilet and then looks up at me with a wide smile as if I would instantly catch on, but I didn’t. “Can’t you see it Daddy! Corn! I ate corn yesterday, remember! And now it’s THERE! That’s the corn!” She started to run out the door to wake her mom up and bring her in on the action but I stopped her quickly and convinced her that this should just be our secret. This could just be a special thing that only me and her shared.

    Until now. Because now I have shared this mind blowing poop discovery with you. And please don’t let my daughter know, because I don’t want her to think that poop sharing is a normal activity. I’m afraid that is probably what happened with the girl in this video. I might cry if the follow up is an interview with the young girl and she says “I’m sorry. It’s just that I ate corn yesterday, and I thought this was my Dad’s house.”

    • My new favorite children’s book! “Everybody Poops And Each Poop Is a Shameful Secret,” by Zayin.

    • Mine is 3, and he came to me over the weekend with some piece of dirt on his finger and asked me “What’s that?” I took it away and told him that it’s probably dirt, and asked where he found it. He pointed at his butt. Mrs. Taco found this a lot more amusing than I did.

  8. A friend lives in Venice Beach and yesterday when I visited we were talking about how gentrified that place has gotten. He showed me a pickup truck that symbolized it. The pickup was legally parked at the curb on a quiet residential street and perpetually is.

    On the windshield, two notes. First, one taped inside, which says: “Smile, you’re on camera! A car is private property and law blah-blah says it is legal to videotape my private property, so I have rigged my car with cameras. And you should know that depositing feces is defined as vandalism by law blah-blah. It is a crime.”

    In the back of the pickup: Lotsa poops! Dog poops. Someone who lives on the street, while walking their dog, has been throwing the poops in there, for weeks. Weeks of poops!

    And that poop-depositor (or a sympathizer) has put a note under the windshield wiper: “You need to learn to respect this neighborhood and not leave your eyesore car on our block. We don’t need to look at it or at you walking up and down our street to get to it.”

    That block is currently petitioning to get “Permit Parking Only” signs. My friend gets official city mail about it.

    People are apeshit? Shit gets real? They all lived crappily ever after? Think of your own ending! This story makes me angry and sad.

    • But which came first, the note or the poops? If someone just totally unprovoked put a sign on their truck that warned people against throwing poops in it, I could DEFINITELY see myself doing exactly that. But if they felt the need to put up the sign because of all the poops, then I think there may have been a better option (park elsewhere, get a vehicle that doesn’t double as a poop depository quite so easily, va-poo-rize), but I certainly wouldn’t all of put the blame on the driver. It’s a real chicken/egg scenario, except with poops.

      • not that i know the story at all, but i assumed the poops came first. people are assholes and anyone who thinks that a car parked on the street is an “eyesore” sounds like a giant asshole who probably sucks.

        • Gotta be honest, I would pay to see a giant asshole that sucks.

        • Also, in my old house, there was someone a few houses down that had an old school bus that they had pimped out and changed it to just say “Ho Bus.” That was a parked car, and it was an eyesore, but I did not complain about it because it was a pretty great eyesore.

          • i feel like i would love neighbors who had a “ho bus.” a friend of mine lived in a neighborhood where the neighborhood association was so fascist they didn’t allow uncovered recreational vehicles or swamp coolers (that is something us desert folk use to cool off our homes). so all of the people in the neighborhood built garages for their r.v.’s. i felt like the enormous garages that were twice the height of any of the houses were more of an “eyesore” than the r.v.’s. hopefully i will never live anywhere that has a fascist neighborhood association (jajaja, sike, i will never be that wealthy. i have a liberal arts degree).

          • You don’t have to be wealthy to have a fascist neghborhood association. Mine sent me a fine because my trashcans were visible from the street. I called and told them how many houses I could see out the window that had visible trashcans, and they told me that they sent out over 100 of those. At that point, you’re not even pretending to act in the interests of the people anymore.

        • I’m assuming the poops came first! People get nuts about their parking. I knew one couple who considered the curb immediately in front of their house to be “their space,” and they set out cones when they weren’t home. A couple times a neighbor who was irked moved the cones and parked there anyway — and the woman would sit in front of her house FOR HOURS waiting for that car owner to return so she could yell at him and threaten him with police action, towing, and a bunch of other impossibilities.

          Also… Venice Beach is kind of the Land Of Eyesore Cars. Or at least it was, back when I moved there in 1998. By 2004 there were already a lot more BMWs tooling around, and nowadays there are hardly any of the 1971 Kharmann Gias with a primer hood and smashed brakelights repaired using a red trashbag that were once the backbone of the local fleet. I’m not sure exactly who moves to Venice Beach without wanting to live in Venice Beach, but man, there’s a lot of people like that, and they pretty quickly get rid of the people who do want to live in Venice Beach.

  9. there is this website that i follow on facebook that is called “inhabitants of burque,” and it is awful. i really don’t like the moderator and i spend most of the time telling people they are awful because they are misogynists or racists or both. gentrification is also one of my favorite topics to start wars on the internet on this particular website. but the moderator (who is awful) informed us the other day that he knows the identity of this woman and then proceeded to threaten to out her. it was really one of the shittier (pun intended) things he has done.

  10. Maybe she’s just really superstitious.

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