helmet

We all know how bad television is for children. It rots their brains! And I think if you sit too close to it, it does something to your eyes? It burns your eyeballs? You should always sit at least six inches away from the television screen. But did you know that television is also bad for children because it is constantly battering them around their heads? From NPR:

About every 30 minutes a child ends up in the emergency room with injuries caused by a television, a study finds, most often because the TV falls on a young child.

AHHHH! Every 30 minutes? That seems like an awful lot. I mean, 30 minutes is not that long. Guys, THE TELEVISIONS ARE TRYING TO KILL US! The children are our future, and without them, we have no future. This is what the TVs want! They are trying to terraform the Earth to give it an environment that more closely resembles their home planet, which is just broken glass everywhere and no human children. Well I say no more. I say that today, at the edge of our hope, at the end of our time, we have chosen to believe in each other! Today we face the televisions that are at our door. Today we are cancelling the apocalypse! By putting nerf balls on our televisions and tying our children to anchored leashes with a restricted range of movement well out of the range of the television’s blast radius! (Image via Shutterstock.)

Comments (27)
  1. I think you just wrote the prequel to After Earth.

  2. So if you’re a kid, every 29 minutes take a step back away from the TV.

  3. Does anyone remember being constantly warned about soda machines and how they could (and probably would!) fall on you when you were little? Or did I just have really paranoid grandparents? I swear, I wasn’t allowed to use a soda machine in their presence until I was well into my teens.

  4. Dumb kids, just watch TV on your iPads!

    • Ugh! I’m with you topknot, but man. I don’t know. iPads are so much more addicting for the young ones. I swear, they can find any and every excuse to be on an iPad all day! My little sister, thankfully, has only been able to use an iPad when she visits my aunt. And I say thankfully because you can easily get her off her iPad if you ask her if she wants you to read her a book. She is always down to be read to. That’s why she’s great. But if I never ask her that, she’ll never get off that dang iPad!

  5. Sven and Michel have been a huge influence on their generation:

  6. How about how falling toilet seats are trying to sterilize young boys? Our household objects are conspiring against us!
    http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/news/fullstory_137900.html

  7. Actually it’s every 30 minutes if you have HBO, but every 22 minutes if you have basic.

  8. A sad day when kids have to wear helmets to sit in front of the television.

  9. Better than Poltergeists at least.

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