Oh wow. I’m not sure how they managed to pull it off, but the second season of True Blood looks like it’s going to be EVEN WORSE than the first season, and the first season was VERY, VERY BAD. The plots are getting increasingly contrived (in a narrative world based on contrivences) with all kinds of monsters all over the place, and hammy melodramatic relationships, and even the accents are somehow worse! The accents that were already so bad! Every time Andy Bellefleur was on-screen last night acting “drunk” I wanted to put my TV in jail. And I don’t remember Vampire Bill talking like a Second City Improv Troupe sketch about the Civil War. And Tara! Oh jeez, TARA!
Anyway, so there is a dead body in Andy Bellefleur’s car.
Is it Lafayette? No! It’s the lady who gave Tara an exorcism and also was a cashier at a Duane Reade (or whatever). At least Lafayette is OK. Or is he?! Andy Bellefleur is so drunk. We know this because people keep saying “you are drunk” and he keeps shouting “no I’m not!” Classic drunk stuff. Pull it together Sabotka! Tara tells the police that she knew the lady who has had her heart ripped out of her chest so they bring her in for questioning, and Andy Bellefleur is so drunk and maybe he should go home! Go home and sign up for some Not Being So Bad at Acting and You Were So Great in The Wire What Happened classes. Tara’s mom comes to the police station but also that mystery lady Marianne also comes to the police station, and Marianne tells Tara’s mom that she is a bad mom and Tara gets into her convertible and they go back to her Tropical Fruit Emporium.
Meanwhile, Vampire Bill has that sassy new vampire teenager to deal with, so he shows her where the recycling goes. Tru Blood bottles go in the blue bin, and paper goes in the gray bin. Right. The sassy teenager vampire is so sassy and such a teenager. Sookie calls Bill and tells him she is going to be late because of the whole murder in the parking lot of Merlotte’s thing, and Sassy Teenager Vampire sees Vampire Bill’s cellphone and goes “ooh, can I have one of those?” Because she just turned into a vampire a week ago and that is why she doesn’t know what a cellphone is? “No ye cannot, foul wraith,” he says to her, or something like that, because of the Civil War, and long underwear. When Sookie finds out that Bill “turned” this girl into a vampire and that he was keeping a secret from her, she gets angry and leaves him. Oh boo hoo. I wish Sookie would get angry and leave this show.
Meanwhile, Jason is becoming a born-again-Vampire Hater. He is going to hate Vampires so much this season, for God. Bible camp!
Meanwhile, Sam used to know the Marianne lady when he was a teenager because one time he turned into a dog and tried to rob her house while he was naked and so she fucked him and he stole money from her draw after she was done vibrating. That is a totally normal and straight-forward sentence used to describe something that happened in this show. They really need to explain what this whole vibrating lady thing is about soon because my patience is stretching thin! Who does this show think it is, Lost? You drag your mysteries out for two episodes, tops, and then you wrap that shit up, True Blood. Anyway, Marianne seems to really want Tara to have a baby with this insufferable dude who is living in her house, or something, and when the butler tries to give them towels she slaps him and is like “NO ONE NEEDED TOWELS!” She comes to visit Sam at the bar and she is like “this isn’t about you.” Well what is it about? I HAVE WAITED A YEAR TO FIND OUT WHAT THIS IS ABOUT!
Meanwhile, Sookie and Vampire Bill make up. Of course. He fucks her, like kind of for real, on a bed covered in white crotchet and she gets blood all over everything. He kisses her while his mouth is filled with her blood, smearing her blood all over her face, and you know that’s basically a metaphor for another thing that can happen during sex, and gross, True Blood. I know this isn’t TV, it’s HBO, but maybe it should just be TV, you know? Anyway, they get blood all over that white crotchet. It just seems careless. That is Vampire Bill’s family’s house from the Civil War (did you know he fought in the Civil War? Listen to the forced way he talks for a clue!) and it just seems careless to ruin it with stupid Sookie blood now.
Meanwhile, Lafayette is in the Saw basement chained to a Saw wheel, just like how we, the viewers, are trapped in the True Blood basement chained to the Ugh Wheel. He’s trapped with the redneck from season one, which is why in the bumper to the episode they showed the only good part from the whole show which is when Lafayette asks “who ordered the cheeseburger with AIDS” and that guy gets killed but not before learning about tolerance. Aww! And the Saw wheel is in Vampire Eric’s basement, and he has to take off his sweater or something and show that he is wearing a black tanktop so that we know it is him. “Black tank top? Oh that must be Eric.” There’s lots of screaming in this episode. Lafayette gets covered in redneck blood. He is scared.
Next week: Really? They didn’t just cancel the show after this episode? Oh well.