My dream BP/AJ wedding: The wedding will take place at the couple’s French chateau, or maybe even on this boat that they’re talking about. “Hmm, this guest list looks pretty good, but I feel like someone’s missing?” Brad Pitt will say. “Hmmm. I worked pretty hard on this guest list, Brad. I feel like if you were going to be so picky about it, maybe you should’ve helped?” Uh-oh. Trouble in paradise?! “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to sound ungrateful for the work you’ve done, I just don’t– I’ve just got this feeling in my gut that we’ve left someone important off the list, which is totally my fault. I should’ve been more on top of it. But hmmm…Whom do we need to add…?” (Continued after the blurb in which The Sun talks about how one of the babies had an idea to have the wedding on a boat that he likes.) From The Sun:

BRAD PITT and ANGELINA JOLIE better have good sea legs – they’re up for a floating wedding. The couple have been making enquiries about getting married aboard the Hebridean Princess, a ship sailing the waters off Scotland and previously chartered by THE QUEEN.

Plans were underway for them to tie the knot at their French chateau. But they had a change of heart thanks to son MADDOX.

A source told Bizarre: “It was Maddox who came up with the idea of the ship. He came across it after looking back at photos of the Carnell Estate in Ayrshire, where they stayed and all loved. So now they’ve made enquiries into booking the whole vessel. It’s just what they’re after. It can hold up to 50 of their friends and family and serve as a traditional, romantic setting — all totally private. Or they could always sail to a secluded bay off the Orkney or Shetland islands and have the ceremony there. The kids are all hooked on old British voyages, so they would love it. The fact that Maddox found it makes it more special.

(CAN YOU IMAGINE BEING ONE OF THEIR KIDS?) “Hmm…OH! I know who we forgot to add to the list!” Brad will say. “Hah. You keep saying ‘we,’ which is strange. Do you mean me and your mom? Is that what you mean by ‘we’?” [Ed. Note: Not a "your mom" joke -- in my dream wedding Angelina and Brad Pitt's mom were the two main authors of the guest list.] “Angelina, please. I’m not trying to be disrespectful. Please let me know if there’s any other wedding stuff I can help you out with, but I do want to let you know that I — I — forgot to add OUR FLOWER GIRL, KELLY CONABOY!” “OMG, I can’t believe we forgot her!” Angelina will say. “Awww, you said ‘we’!” Brad Pitt will say, relieved. Ahhh, looks like things are perfect again in paradise. “I MEANT ME AND YOUR MOTHER.” [Big laugh.] Scene.

Comments (25)
  1. As long as the crunking monster from earlier is at the wedding, I think it will be perfect!

  2. I would like the wedding band to be Billy Bob Thornton’s band and for him to grow his soul patch really long for it. Like long enough that he has to flip it over his should because it keeps getting in the way of strumming.

  3. My dream Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie Wedding is the one where I don’t have to hear about it at all.

  4. God save THE QUEEN.

  5. Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have to take turns carrying each other over a milelong track of burning coals. Maddox got the idea from a picture in a magazine.

  6. The bridemaids are reporters at the 12 most popular news outlets. Kelly is blogger on honor and gets the first slice of cake.

  7. SHARKNADO.

  8. One where Jennifer Aniston interrupts the vows by pounding on the glass (there will be glass), yelling “Brad! Braaad!” and he sees her and runs down the aisle and they take off together, boarding a bus, and are happy for a moment before remembering that life is ultimately meaningless as the dulcet tones of Simon and Garfunkel play over the end credits.

  9. If their wedding is anything like actual dreams that I have, it will go something like this:

    The wedding is at my childhood home and for some reason there’s a pizza restaurant in the basement. Brad looks like Paul Giamatti but everybody knows it’s still him. Angelina is really mortified when she finds out that her dress is completely see-through but my friend Tina from junior high gives her a robe and then it’s ok. Maddox is dressed as a pirate and performs a really emotional rendition of “I Want it That Way” but for some reason his lips aren’t moving. Then a plane crashes into the house and everybody is suddenly in the desert my mom is there with a giant umbrella and she’s really mad because I got a C on my math test.

  10. Brad constructs a “green” chapel using sustainable materials in New Orleans which will slowly biodegrade with the passing of time, much like his once-cherished love for Jennifer Aniston. Angelina pilots a small plane into the airspace, hands off the controls to co-pilot Morgan Freeman (who will also be walking her down the aisle), and parachutes to the altar. Jon Voight is allowed to attend but forced to be flower girl. Gwyneth Paltrow accepts her warily-extended invitation and beams throughout the ceremony and reception, her British accent waxing and waning depending on whether or not she is has introduced Jay-Z into the conversation and her proximity to actual British guests such as Gavin Rossdale. Angelina announces in her vows that her family does not drink milkshakes. Brad is high and wears sunglasses. In lieu of a band, the children put on some skits they wrote and directed themselves. Their parents smile magnanimously at their brood while assuring their guests that under no circumstances will any be allowed to pursue a career in Hollywood. Kingston Rossdale preens by Vivienne. The guests are shooed out at 10 pm so that the entire Pitt-Jolie clan can depart for Cambodia, with Morgan Freeman once again behind the controls, to watch the sunset behind their grazing elephants.

  11. Off the coast of Scotland, the yacht is swallowed by the infamous Corryvreckan Whirlpool, which transports them to a blasted wasteland version of Earth where they must fight Cthulhus in their quest to find the reverse whirlpool or whatever that will get them home. Jennifer Aniston figures out a way to cross the dimensions and occasionally she appears as a floating, ghostly head, and she them gives advice secretly designed to save Brad but kill Angelina; same thing but the opposite with Billy Bob Thornton. For all of season 2 they are distracted by Angelina’s desire to save Alternate World Africa.

    • In season 3, back in Scotland, Maddox seizes the Crown of Arawn and becomes Deathlord of the Black Heath. All obey him or perish — unless THE QUEEN and Apple Paltrow-Martin (who together hold the key to turning Maddox back to Good) can be convinced to dive through the Whirlpool into the Bad Earth.

    • you had me at “the yacht is swallowed”

  12. Hang on though because if this is true:

    BRAD PITT and Angelina Jolie live like smelly tramps, their housekeepers have claimed.
    (http://www.dailystar.co.uk/showbiz/327023/Brad-Pitt-and-Angelina-Jolie-live-like-tramps-)

    Then we need to have a rethink. Probably don’t need to have a party. Just a clean-up.

  13. Call me old fashioned, but I think Billy Bob should give her away.

  14. PRIEST: I, Brad, take thee, Angelina
    BRAD: I, Brad, take thee, Rachel…Angelina! I take thee, Angelina!

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