Gwyneth Paltroooooowwwwwwww! Killing it! Everything she does is perfect. Wait, what did I say? Everything she does is retarded? Perfect. From her latest issue of Goop:

The summer before last, a mutual friend brought the lovely Katie Lee Joel and her husband William over for dinner. Much to my delight, she brought a fresh batch of these cookies with her. I adore the contrast of the dark chocolate and the cherries – heaven.

Right. William Joel. That’s what everyone calls him. The piano sir.

Man, Gwyneth Paltrow, everybody. The only person who somehow manages to take the awfulness of name dropping to a the next level! This ain’t your father’s name dropping. Let’s hear it for her!

If a mutual friend ever invited me to dinner with Gwyneth Paltrow and to Gwyneth’s delight I or my guest brought a delicious dish that Gwyneth wanted to share the recipe for in her newsletter, my name would appear in Goop like this:

Little Lord Gabriel

Which is why I would say no to that invitation. I would be so sorry. I would have something really important to do that night that I would have had on my calendar for months. Sorry! Air kisses!

I’m pretty sure the way this generator works is you just use your full first name, and then you add something really pretentious and stupid to it. And then you kill yourself. Have fun. (Thanks for the tip, “Hennessy.”)

Comments (95)
  1. St. Christopher Deezey, the patron saint of apologizing for Coldplay.

    • Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see

      • AnAmPat – Are there stories you don’t respond to?

        • Uh, I don’t know. I didn’t realize there was a goddamned LIMIT ON REPLIES! My bad.

          You see, I lost my job recently while assholes are getting fat checks from Penn Ave. So I’m taking my sweet time off to write a book that’s gonna fuckin ROCK YOUR MIND INTO OBLIVION. And then I get distracted by the internet. So I fuckin comment. MY BAD. I’ll be sure to spread the word to other commenters that they shouldn’t be responding to stories YOU GODDAMNED PINKO.

  2. Constantinople

  3. Techno Jeremy Eric

  4. Anni  |   Posted on Jun 11th, 2009 +13

    Personally, I’m more amused by Chef Kate?s Blondies that are “perfect for a bake sale.” Like Gwennie has ever seen a bake sale.

  5. The Beardly Honorable Joseph.

  6. DofG  |   Posted on Jun 11th, 2009 +8

    Scott, Duke of Gloucester

  7. Joshua, whom is similar to Germany in that he is desirous of his goals and frequently impropertly interpreted

  8. “I adore the contrast of the dark chocolate and the cherries – heaven.”

    She makes my soul hurt.

  9. Gwen Palin
    Seriously I bet Paltrow voted for McCain
    Not that there’s anything wrong with that

  10. Duke James of Old Northeast.
    Ritual disembowelment with a $75 Spade Cake Knife in a clean space.

    Nourish the inner aspect with overpriced kitchen accessories.

  11. James  |   Posted on Jun 11th, 2009 +14

    But your tipster has already won before the game could begin!

  12. Come on Gabe, admit it. You once hit on her in a party and she turned you down with a disgusted look and shouted out: “Look at this guy for a second everyone!” Then walked away with a smirk on her face and left an entire room laughing at you.

  13. Baroness Beccashire, of the order of the blogs.

  14. He is interacting with David, who remains in the Naval branch of our Armed Services, and at this moment in time, it seems highly likely that this current occupation will remain his lifetime career.

  15. Aloof Marcus the Left-Handed

    • oh no – Lady Gwyneth drinks the blood and grinds the bones (sprinkling it in her bath) of the mythical southpaws to improve her own agility and dexterity.

  16. Countess Carrington of Dinnershire, where I am frequently seen partaking in a bit of fun.

    (How shitty is it that the only title of nobility that alliterated with my name was “countess.” NO CUNT JOKES PLEASE THANK YOU.)

  17. La Contessa Marguerite of The Bestville

  18. A Proper Account of the Activities of the Brain in Physicality and in Abstract Thought

  19. ” I adore the contrast of the dark chocolate and the cherries – heaven.”

    A line like this is tipping the scales from ha-ha hate to pity. I mean, what’s the point? She isn’t even convincing me she enjoys those cookies, as much as I get the odd feeling she needs the world to know she can enjoy cookies in an intelligent and elegant way. It really gets me down thinking she probably goes through this with everything.

  20. Dame Audrey Dench.

  21. Lord Douchely Rogers, the Albino Assassin of Worst

  22. Lady Zingerbelle of Laffsonia

  23. Chairman Charles of the Cherry Chocolate Chaplaincy. Our mission? Contrasting the two. SUPER HARD, guys.

  24. you can just call me Charles Albert FitzGerald-Zawson, 6th Duke of Barfshire

  25. Bartholomew Crentist, PhD

  26. When I saw “William Joel”, my first thought was that that’s what Dwight calls him on The Office. So there’s that comparison.

    And alas, my first name is too trendy and unable to be made dignified, so I will never receive that gold-leafed invitation for tea and watercress at M’lady Gwyneth’s abode.

  27. I’m not even gonna lie, those cookies look delish. Even this girl agrees with me

  28. oh man, seeerriously

  29. Fartmaster Crumpenstein

  30. I’m pretty sure you could pick half of the hobo names from Areas of My Expertise and use it for this game.

  31. So I just clicked on the link to her page, and the recipe for “Taste’s” whatever that is chocolate chip cookies (which I’m sure Gwyn thinks are gourmet gems she is bestowing upon us silly plebs) is exactly the recipe on the back of a bag of Nestle Tollhouse chocolate chips, plus 1tsp water. Haha? That makes me too sad to even laugh about it.

  32. She named her kids “Apple” and “Moses.” All in all, I’d say “William” Joel got off easy.

  33. I am Sir Niddley Booferameana, and I choose my noble suicide by having my head emancipated from my body by Sliding Doors. Heaven!

  34. “And then we began to discuss art and life as I ravaged through the assortment of the freshly prepared cookies, suckling my way through the cherries and the chocolate. ‘Hmmm!’ I said, ‘they are like nectar.’ I then began to sulk in the ever flowing light pouring through our London flat, knowing that I lead a good life; a life that is purposeful and just, and I realized once again that it is my duty to tell you all the magnificence of it all.”

  35. Imagine being stuck at in a dinner conversation with Billy Joel, Chris Martin and Gwenyth Paltrow. Unenthusiastic descriptions of fairly uninspiring cookies may well have been the only way to escape the overwhelming blandness of this occasion.

  36. Gwyneth Paltrow

  37. I cant think of anything longer than Devin. I guess il never be invited to dinner.

  38. Countess WhyArtThou Yelling

  39. The Right Honorable Sir Robert of Gooptasia, esq. The royal gaurdian of all things strawberried.

  40. “My soul had approached that region where dwell the vast hosts of the dead. I was conscious of, but could not apprehend, their wayward and flickering existence. My own identity was fading out into a grey impalpable world: the solid world itself, which these dead had one time reared and lived in, was dissolving and dwindling. A few light taps upon the pane made me turn to the window. It had begun to snow again. I watched sleepily the flakes, silver and dark, falling obliquely against the lamplight. The time had come for me to set out on his journey westward. Yes, the newspapers were right: snow was general all over Ireland. It was falling on every part of the dark central plain, on the treeless hills, falling softly upon the Bog of Allen and, farther westward, softly falling into the dark mutinous Shannon waves. It was falling, too, upon every part of the lonely churchyard on the hill where Michael Furey lay buried. It lay thickly drifted on the crooked crosses and headstones, on the spears of the little gate, on the barren thorns. My soul swooned slowly as he heard the snow falling faintly through the universe and faintly falling, like the descent of their last end, upon all the living and the dead.

    And then my husband Christopher requested that I pass him another lovely cookie, and I did.”

    - Gwyneth Paltrow,

  41. Ambrosial Nutmeghan

  42. pretty sure “paige” would just become “saint.”
    i subscribe to goop simply for her craziness. it gives me the midweek boost i need to feel better about myself as a normal human being.

  43. gabe is obviously in love with this woman.

  44. Erin  |   Posted on Jun 11th, 2009 +16

    Countess [picture of Proust jerking off on a dragon] Erin

  45. Sir Darren Harper, Esq., Earl of Essex, Duke of Dorset, Second Viscount of Pretentionland

  46. The Venerable Mistress Quinnshire of Poopinschlaglington

    Also, “The Piano Sir” FTVA! (for the victorious action)

  47. Georgina  |   Posted on Jun 11th, 2009 +8

    Gwyneth’s insistence that if you make the blondies you MUST CUT EACH TRAY INTO SIXTY PIECES — like, on a normal size cookie sheet that generally gets you in the range of 24-36 brownies — is sort of anxious on its own, but then after she gives the recipe she goes back and ADDS UP the number of calories in a (mini) blondie and acts like it’s a big deal even though she’s gotten it down to fewer calories than there are in a south beach living bar. Edit out the FRAUGHT, Goop interns.

  48. Casey  |   Posted on Jun 11th, 2009 +1

    “The summer before last” bugs me, too. It was “two summers ago,” bitch!

  49. Lady Douchechill

  50. Chcoolatey Powder Lennon Widow.

  51. Princess Peach, Tyrant of the Mushroom Kingdom

  52. kat  |   Posted on Jun 11th, 2009 +17

    Billy bob = Dr. William Robert Thornton?

  53. Guys….
    Have fun at dinner.

  54. now that i’m late to the game:
    Pope Kathleenshireton of the Eleventeen Baby Cheetahs

  55. AnTony “Brrrrrrian” Hopkins

  56. David “Balls Akimbo” Crewe.
    Don’t worry, guys, I have totally got the hang of this.

  57. Miss Krys, The Happy Negress (obviously that last part wouldn’t be uttered aloud in mixed company).

  58. Mark Wahlbob

  59. Princess Nazbakalijan of I’m-Sorry-Michael. But that’s already what all my friends call me.

  60. Madame Nicolina Marie von Viva la Vida of Apple

    I don’t want to hate people, truly. WHY DOES SHE WANT ME TO HATE HER?

  61. Sir Popcorn of the Maize Kingdom.

  62. Sir Karl of the Marx

  63. and right below her “william joel” entry lies this little gem- behold Lords and Ladies of Videogum:
    “In London I live around the corner from a woman called Evi. Evi is an avid cook of Viennese food, a Stevie Wonder fanatic and a Holocaust survivor. She once made us a batch of these delicious cookies and I went through them in one day.”

    • Gah, and if you keep reading about “Evi” you discover that she’s an ancient Londoner and Holocaust survivor… who uses the (all-capped) phrase “THE REAL MCCOY!”

      I call shenanigoops.

  64. Le Giovanni Spaghetti

  65. Dr. Alexander Baldwin, Inchoate Servant of the Temple of the Supreme Council of the Thirty-Third and Last Degree of the Ancient and Accepted Scottish Rite of Freemasonry
    for the Southern Jurisdiction of the United States
    Erected to Godzilla and Dedicated to the Service of Humanity

    Salve Frater

  66. Bob Loblaw.

  67. derek  |   Posted on Jun 15th, 2009 +1

    Derek le Worst

  68. I clicked around GOOP, I couldn’t help myself. My fave post was about her friends’ favorite books. I guess her friends love Russian lit? Anyway one of them was… “Christy Turlington is an amazing friend, mother, and an activist who is pursuing her masters in Public Health at Columbia University.”
    Oh, you know, Christy Turlington, just this Columbia grad student I happen to know.

  69. Reptillion Rubenstein Ratfink Roark. Death by an overdose of vitamin c.

  70. Lady Lauren Locksmith?

  71. Mary  |   Posted on Jun 18th, 2009 0

    And now ‘William’ and Katie Lee are getting divorced!

  72. The Dude.
    His Dudeness.
    El Duderino.

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