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Top Chef Masters premiered last night, you guys. The premise is a cross between Top Chef Classic and Iron Chef: over the course of the season, 20 famous chefs who actually know what they are doing and own their own restaurants and stuff, will compete four at a time in a tournament-style elimination game. At the end of each episode, three chefs are “eliminated”* and the winning chef will move on to some kind of final round. The grand prize is 100,000 dollars for the charity of the winning chef’s choice. OK! It is always interesting to watch people who are good at what they do, you know, do it. Plus, charity is nice. And when you add in an element of surprise and discomfort then perhaps you end up with great television.
Except when you don’t.
The thing is, what separates Top Chef from other reality shows (with the possible exception of Project Runway) is that it’s a meritocratic competition. The contestants are all quite talented and forced to be creative but also to rely on their acquired skills. There are genuine class differences between people with formal training and those who are self-taught. There are people who rely on their strengths without ever overcoming their weaknesses, and people whose weaknesses lead them to greater surprises, and there are people who can’t cook at all and they get eliminated and you laugh because you’re mean but also because who did they think they were to complete with the big boys? The point is that there is some genuine drama on Top Chef.
Not so on Top Chef Masters.
All of these chefs are so talented and successful in their own right and the stakes are so low that you could basically select one at random and everyone else would high five and be on their way. No love lost. Maybe that will change in future episodes with different, more volatile combinations of chefs, but I doubt it. Why would it? They have nothing to gain by being shitheads on TV. Wylie Dufresnes isn’t going up on the roof and delivering a freestyle rap, Marcel-style. These are pros. And pros don’t freestyle rap on the roof like an embarrassment to their family.
Because I know at the end of the day,
My food is fuckin’ SOIGNEE!* Sheeeeeeeeeiiit.
Iron Chef has a similar pro-v-pro structure but it works because it’s kept in “real time,” and the sports-announcer-style narration keeps the energy high and the pace quick. Here, it’s lots of Bravo style quick cuts and pre-taped interview segments and sure there’s the sound of knives rubbing together, but it feels relaxed. Lazy, even. I’m sure all the chefs have a competitive spirit in them. The culinary world is highly competitive, I think I read in a magazine once. I’m sure they each want to win. But if they don’t win they will go back to their families and their restaurants, or in the case of some of them, restaurant empires. These aren’t the Mario Batalis and Bobby Flays of the world. They’re not trying to use this as a launchpad to their own weekly show about artisanal olive oils. Should they go? They can go. If they should go just tell them. They’ll go. They’ve got other stuff to do.
Last night I was rooting for Christopher Lee because he was the only chef whose restaurant I’ve actually been to. He lost to Hubert Keller because of the points advantage Keller won off of a Quickfire Challenge victory. Fair enough. Everyone’s cool with it. Christopher Lee seems cool with it. I’m fine. You see what I mean?
WHERE THE FIRE AT?
The classic problem with Top Chef Classic is that you want to taste all the dishes, and that problem is only magnified by Top Chef Masters. If you tell me that the Hubert Keller’s macaroni and cheese cooked in a dormitory shower is incredible, I’m completely ready to believe you, but it still doesn’t mean that much to MY MOUTH.
And then there is the issue of the host, Kelly Choi, and the rotating cast of expert judges. Everyone is certainly qualified to be here, but the whole thing just feels…flat. Kelly Choi is no Padma HOTshmi, who, let’s be honest, is half the draw of the original show. Yes yes, I know what I said, meritocratic, interesting to see talented people, blah blah blah. Padma, what are you doing later? That’s what Top Chef should be called. Top Padma What Are You Doing Later? And the rest of the guest judges are smart and knowledgeable and also boring. There’s a reason Simon Cowell is famous, and it’s not because he frames his opinions in a rational structure of carefully weighted criticisms that drip with genuine respect and gracious deference.
So, I don’t know. It’s summertime. It’s a spin-off. What did we expect? I will tell you! We expected to be entertained. Summertime and spin-off are not excuses, they are simply descriptives. I refuse to lower my standards just because some people want to get out of the office early on Fridays.
Lock it in, TV.
*Eliminated in the sense that they no longer have to suffer the humiliation of being forced into unrealistic garbage-food challenges, and can go back to being highly respected professionals in their field.
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I would not watch this, but I would watch Hobo Masters.
I don’t know but last night’s episode was FILMED AT MY SCHOOL!
Me too!
Cat icons must be a Pomona thing!
It probably should be called Top Chef: Meh. The second season of Chopped starts next week, so that’s something to look forward to.
those guys couldn’t have cared less about the outcome. everyone likes and respects each other = terrible competition tv.
That is the thing i hate with these cooking reality shows. It means NOTHING to me. I am quite literally watching a couple of dudes cook steaks for an hour and then i don’t even get to have one. I can’t just be all “Oh yeah. Janice’s steak was way tastier. She deserved to win.” Janice didn’t even give me a bite. She just got that much closer to winning 100 grand or her own restaurant or something, and i still don’t have a steak. AND i’m hungrier than i was an hour ago. Ridiculous.
Top Chef: I want a steak or something.
There’s a reason they call it food porn. The real thing is always better.
I liked this show. I like when people get along! I’ll see myself out.
There’s definitely something sexy about watching Padma talk about loving to eat bacon. I wish I could make love to her arm scar with a vibrating slab of bacon slathered in maple syrup.
I wanted the Chefs to actually cook in the dorms with food found in the dorm room. Lets see their culinary expertise go to work on a bag of Funions, a box of Lil Debbie Oatmeal Pies and some bongwater.
It was pretty sad that the toughest criticism came from a precocious, red headed Girl Scout. Last night’s episode was Top Yawn. Hopefully the judges get some teeth.
It was all worth it 4 this line (from the guy who was playing for March of Dimes): “At my house we make something we call strawberry shakes.”
I mean, I don’t know this guy’s life… maybe he arrived at the name independently, but it’s not like strawberry shakes are some exotic delicacy.
just sayin’.
I liked that one cause he clearly is too sophisticated to make strawberry shakes, so he gives his kids some kind of frou frou fancy pants strawberry frozen drink thing and called it a strawberry shake on TV so us mere mortals can wrap our minds around it. If I was his kid, I’ll be all “Can’t we just go to Friendly’s?”.
Becca, I adore you! You say what I am thinking. Marry me!
I kinda liked how everyone was nice to each other. It was funny when they were in Whole Foods and Hubert lost his cart and the other guy was like, “HA HA HA! You lost your cart and now you’re running around carrying all your food! GOOD ONE, HUBERT!” when we know if that happened to someone on Top Chef they would be freaking the fuck out.
I liked it. It certainly wasn’t as entertaining as Top Chef Normal, but the new format was interesting to me. I can’t wait to watch the lesbians duke it out.
that’s what always confused me about OG Top Chef, everyone was a head chef, or a caterer or even OWNED THEIR OWN RESTAURANT WHERE THEIR JOB IS LITERALLY TO MAKE COOKED FOOD. so WHY do they have any issue with like, making chicken not pink, or not serving not-on-purpose raw seafood.
that’s the only thing that was mildly interesting about this show, you were worried about their style choices, not girl scouts getting sick from uncooked eggs. then again, that’s also why it was so boring.
fancy pants? you literally saw him just put ice cream, strawberries, ice, and milk in a blender. then he fucking chicken-fried a strawberry.
$100,000 is a shamefully small amount for the winner’s charity given the conspicuous and pervasive product placement and the negligible production costs. Talk about that.