gwyneth1

The thing about Gwyneth Paltrow, besides EVERYTHING about Gwyneth Paltrow, is her preternatural ability to surprise you. Just when you thought that Gwyneth Paltrow had plumbed the deepest depths of inanity, like those poor, poor women in The Descent, she pops back up with some dark, fetid goop in her mouth, letting you know that she got even deeper (or in her case, shallower) than you even knew was possible. Today, Gwyneth raises (or is it lowers? I am all turned around! Just like the women in The Descent*) the bar with her theory on nature. From US Weekly:

Surprisingly, Paltrow tells the magazine [she] disagrees with doctors who warn patients to avoid tanning. “We’re human beings and the sun is the sun — how can it be bad for you? I think we should all get sun and fresh air,” the actress tells British Cosmopolitan. “I don’t think anything that is natural can be bad for you — it’s really good to have at least 15 minutes of sun a day.”

We are human beings and the sun is the sun. Oh brother. Look, even just setting aside the possible health ramifications of tanning, or whether or not Gwyneth Paltrow thinks we should all get sun and fresh air (as if that is even the thing that is being talked about? Like, are there doctors out there suggesting no one get any sun or fresh air ever? No, there are not doctors doing that) the simple fact of the matter is that there is nothing more dangerous than “anything that is natural.” That’s INSANE. The world is in a constant state of destruction. Most things on this planet WILL kill you if given the chance. What is she even talking about?! Has she even SEEN Shark Week?! Also, I like how she actually provides her own prescription of 15 minutes a day in the sun for everyone. Thank you, Doctor Paltrow. Your years of training and research in the field of antique bidets and “vegan lobster rolls” makes your advice all the more valuable. #LegalizeIt

*If you’re going to make a The Descent reference, you might as well get as much mileage out of it while the window is open. You never know when you are going to be able to make a The Descent reference again!
Comments (55)
  1. So we should all have fifteen babies then die before we’re fifty? You first, Gwyneth.

  2. See, east coasters? The sun is good for you! You’re all getting healthy in the heat!

  3. What exactly did she think was happening in Contagion?

  4. “I don’t think anything that is natural can be bad for you. I recommend spending at least fifteen minutes a week in a tank full of piranhas — there’s no better natural exfoliant! And if your hair is feeling a little limp and lifeless, you can achieve great natural body and waves by standing in the path of a tornado.”

  5. We are so hard on this poor girl, but she really is making progress. I mean, even her response on this subject is completely different from what she was saying last year. For example, last year her response was “We are human and the sun is also human- how can it be bad for you?”. I applaud her baby steps.

  6. She was talking to British Cosmopolitan though. Doesn’t the rain let up in England for just 6 minutes a day, max? I think she’s having a go at them.

  7. Water is natural. I don’t think that sitting on the ocean floor for 3 1/2 hours could be anything but good for you. After all, our bodies are 99.999% water.

  8. Sorry, Gabe. I agree with Gwyneth. Nothing natural can hurt* you. Open and shut case.

    *With the exception of the following:
    Sharks
    Tigers
    Tiger Sharks
    The Flu
    The Super Flu
    Killer Bees
    Sting Rays
    Volcanoes
    Strangling Snakes
    Venomous Snakes
    Venomous, Strangling Snakes
    Venomous, Strangling Snakes that can Eat You Whole
    Bulls
    Ebola
    Audrey IIs
    Sinkholes
    Heart Attacks
    Sunstroke
    Infected teeth
    Bitey Eels
    Spiders
    Space Madness
    Famine
    Lactose
    Most public bathrooms
    Almost everything in Australia

    • I once knew a Wolf named Maugrim (briefly, and to my regret) whom I believe would also serve as a convincing counter-point to Mrs Paltrow’s argument.

    • Public bathrooms are not natural. They are, in fact, a crime against nature. I recently used a “self-cleaning” public bathroom, which apparently means the entire thing is automatically hosed down between uses? It was very…squishy.

      • i can tell you how those work. they turn off the light, spray the whole room with something that smells like fake apples and plastic, then spray with something with no smell, and then dont turn the light on again until someone from the outside puts in a coin, no matter how hard you bang and pull on what you think is the door.

    • Almost everything in Australia. Perfect.

      If this type of Australian box jellyfish stings you and you don’t treat it in 3 MINUTES, YOU WILL DIE. No joke, no hyperbole.

  9. “Don’t forget to try my newest recipie inspired by my BFF, Jay-Z’s new album; Magnum Cart of Oily Kale.” – G Paltz

  10. Gwyneth would definitely know about these things. She’s something of an expert in natural ingredients; her bitter almond cookies are to die for.

  11. Fantastic news. Poison ivy cake for everyone!

  12. For those of us with psoriasis the sun is actually a really good cure. Of course those of us with psoriasis also now have awkward sunburnt foreheads.

    I thought this was going to be about how nature can never hurt you, even though The Happening clearly taught us that it does.

  13. Super off topic but OH MY GOD: EVERYONE, go to British Vogue http://www.vogue.co.uk/ and enter the Konami code (hint: It ends B-A-ENTER). You’ll be glad you did.

  14. “Ignore the haters, Gwynie!”

  15. Dear god, please let her walk off a cliff to prove to everyone that nothing in nature can hurt you…

  16. The most disappointing thing for me about Gwyneth is that Chris Martin married her. I can no longer have my emaciated brooding guitar player lover fantasy with Chris Martin knowing he is into this person. Sigh.

    But, Gabe’s acknowledgment of The Descent, my favorite horror movie EVER, is making it all worth it, because The Descent should always be being discussed, all the time.

  17. Oh why doesn’t she go roast a vegan hot dog on an oleander branch?!

  18. Tobacco is natural too and LUNG CANCER!

  19. I hope this is the first step toward Gwenyth become a 15th century ascetic and sitting on top of a 50 foot pillar for 3 years trying to find the essence of reality. THAT is a reality show I would watch. And a wrap-up issue of GOOP I would read…

  20. Cyanide is natural.

  21. Her stupidity and pretentiousness really wants me to grudge f_ck her. As I would pull out b4 the creampie no fear of babies? Completely natural.

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