Unlike Gabe, I love horror movies. (I assume we’re all on the same page with the stuff Gabe does and doesn’t like. We each have the chart?) I loved them when I was little and they would make me so scared that I had to go see what my mom was up to in the kitchen, and I love them now that they make me so scared when I have to watch them by myself because almost all of my friends hate them. (My male friends, mainly. Do you think guys don’t like horror movies because they’re mostly afraid to feel vulnerable?) (Please get 100,000,000 words on that asap.) So I am not completely against this Poltergeist remake. It’s been a while! And this was such a scary movie! Let’s go again, who cares! With one catch though: We have GOTTA update it for a modern audience. From The Hollywood Reporter:

MGM is partnering with Fox 2000 to co-finance and distribute the horror film Poltergeist. …

Gil Kenan (Monster House) is set to direct Poltergeist from a screenplay by Pulitzer Prize-winning writer David Lindsay-Abaire, whose recent credits include Oz: The Great and Powerful.

Dubbed a revisionist take on the original film, the new story centers on a family struggling to make ends meet that relocates to an outdated suburban home and is confronted by an angry spirit who kidnaps their youngest daughter and challenges them to band together to rescue her from the clutches of evil.

“A family struggling to make ends meet” definitely works for the modern audience, but what else? The ghost could communicate through tweets, maybe. And then one day someone gets a DM from the ghost and it’s like, “But wait, you can only get DMs from people you follow.” And then the person is like, “WAIT. HOW DID THE GHOST DM ME?!” (Similarly: How did the ghost’s message end up in my regular Facebook inbox? Did it pay the dollar? How did it get a credit card?!) The ghost could live in an iPhone. The youngest daughter is played by Miley Cyrus and Miley Cyrus also plays the ghost. They defeat the ghost by using The Secret. Yes, all of those, but what else? #andghostitis

Comments (23)
  1. I understand that the ending hashtag was supposed to be “and ghost it is” but I hope it’s ok if I name my band Ghostitis.

  2. Here’s an awesome story about Poltergeist! I had not seen the movie until recently (maybe a year ago?) when it was on TV and Mr. Truck stopped on it. We watched it from the middle (right when the “This house is clean” lady arrives) to the end and I thought it was not that scary but still really interesting. THEN! this past freaking weekend!!! It was on again and we watched starting from roughly the same spot to where I thought was the ending (when they’re packing up the moving boxes in the truck) and it turns out that I had missed the whole terrifying rest of it! Apparently Mr. Truck had switched it off at that point because of how fucking terrifying the clown is and I had no idea about it. Anyway, upon seeing the real ending (I saw the credits) I agree that it’s horrifying.

  3. I like horror movies, Kelly. But I’m also a super gigantic wimp about them. I cover my eyes during the scary parts and everything. Which is why I only watch horror movies with LADIES or by myself. If there are guys around, I’d feel the need to be all Gary Cooper (#callback) about it, and I don’t think I’m capable.

  4. The little girl gets sucked into Hulu.

  5. I’m all about atmospheric horror movies. Blood and guts don’t bother me necessarily, but I just got bored with the slasher stuff, as it’s just the same thing over and over. Give me something unnerving and creepy over mad man with an axe any day. That said, Poltergeist is a great movie, and I hope they don’t screw it up.

    • I’m all about dread. Sinister got the dread part right, but not much of anything else. Still I recommend it as a background noise movie. It has its creepy moments and I highly recommend those.

    • This is my problem too! I love horror movies and novels, but just none of the ones with vampires, zombies, or serial killers. Unless you are doing something like, super conceptual with them. Ghosts are ok because there’s a lot more leeway about what exactly is a ghost, so people do lots of interesting stuff with the idea.

  6. And the ghost is wearing colored jeans, drinking infused water, and dishing about how she just dumped Justin Bieber.

  7. “Do you think guys don’t like horror movies because they’re mostly afraid to feel vulnerable?”

    This intrigued me because I hate being the only guy willing to go to a horror movie or see one at home. I think you hit the nail right on the head with this question because, at least with ALL of my guy friends, none of them are willing to see one. I figure they either don’t like getting spooked or the idea of feeling weak from a fear of darkness or ghosts doesn’t sit well with them. Either way it is stupid. Movies are inherently supposed to entertain, whether you like to jump out of your seat and call that entertaining is up to you. But guys these days only want to watch superhero movies and/or fart-joke comedies. I’m sorry but I don’t care to watch The Hangover or Superbad once or twice a month. I don’t need terrible jokes repeated ad infinitum.

    I guess what I’m saying is guys AND all of America watch way too many comedies. Those are great, I get it. We all want a laugh. But scary movies are fun too. So who wants to watch Rosemary’s Baby with me?!

  8. I love horror movies. This movie was so good, but I can’t believe my parents took me to see it at like…what was I 9? I think they were just lazy and wanted to see it and didn’t want to hire a babby [sic] sitter. Anyway, I watched it over and over and the second one was HORRIBLE, but not as AWFUL as the last one. One thing that I did really like about the second one was that it made Mormons seem really horrible and creepy. Something I would relate a lot to later in life during the Prop 8 hearings (Sorry Mormons but you are third on my list of creepy religions after Scientology and anyone who claims that Astrology is real – but I did like Big Love! PS I was raised Catholic and that comes after you but only because I’m so familiar with it it seems more normal).

    The first one is FULL of Spielberg faces. FULL of them. That needs to be replicated. Also I hope no one dies and there is no curse like there was on the first one when those two girls died! Be safe remakers!

  9. They’re heeeere…on 4square!

  10. What if the poltergeist is now a ghost commenter? What if there are vgum comments being left here from BEYOND THE GRAVE??? :o

  11. “It knows what scares you. It used Google.”

  12. “This house has many wi-fi networks.”

    “You moved the mp3s to the cloud, but you forgot to move the jpgs!”

    “Go to the light, Carol Anne, the light of my flashlight app. See if you can find the tennis ball I dropped. I think it rolled under Satan.”

  13. My bff and i used to scream they didn’t move the graves *spoiler alert* when we were drunk in college (all day everyday). I still think its funny

  14. Somebody starts a somewhat tiresome commentary on whether or not the whole Indian graveyard thing is racist.

  15. I’m glad this movie at least has the honesty to admit it is a remake of Poltergeist unlike all the other movies about poltergeists before and after Poltergeist.

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