This photo circulated yesterday of Courtney Stodden (literally) “taking the bandages off” after her breast augmentation surgery. Haha. Yes, very medical. All the doctors nod their heads: we know. But wait, breast augmentation surgery?! She already had big breasts, and also she is only allegedly 16 years old! You can read the full “story” if you really want to read the story, but she basically claims that no one encouraged her to do it and that it was completely her own decision, which sounds about right, and she says that she feels more like a woman now. Sure. It does start to seem like Courtney Stodden’s idea of what it means to “be a woman,” with surgical enhancements, explosive shenanigans, stunt relationships, niche music videos, and over-the-top costumes was lifted from the same Drag Queens for Dummies book that all of the beginning drag queens use, but sure, woman.

Here is the thing about all of this, though: It’s officially too much. We’ve had fun with Courtney Stodden ever since she first appeared on the scene, and the fact that she is a straight up child has never been of particular concern. She, and her parents, and her disgusting husband all seem to be on the same page, so what are you going to do? We have to talk about something and there are only so many posts you can write about Pizza Drones each day. And I’m not even saying that we are going to STOP having fun with Courtney Stodden, because if there is one thing I cannot see it is THE FUTURE. But seeing this picture of a clearly delusional, lonely, scared, little girl who is so miserable in her own skin that she already got plastic surgery at the age of 16, clearly in the hopes of getting a blog post written up about her on E!’s official website (successss – Borat voice) really moved me. Because, you guys, I know that life is short, but life is also kind of long. Let’s pretend that Courtney Stodden has five good years of being considered a cut-rate celebrity. That’s generous. Five years is generous. But if she gets those years, she will only be 21 when they are over. And then she will have to live the rest of her entire life. Eek! Not only will she have to live a whole life that she is clearly not equipped or in any way even remotely prepared to live, but she will spend the rest of it constantly chasing after this golden dream of getting the attention that she once received, going to ever more extreme and discouraging lengths to recapture former glories. “They used to write about me on blogs,” she will say to the raccoon chewing on her unpaid bills. It’s going to be a fucking nightmare. Sorry for the summer bummer. And so it is.

Comments (67)
  1. I think there is little to no chance that this was her first surgery, or even her first breast augmentation probably.

    • Or that she’s anywhere near the age she claims to be.

      • WAIT. I thought I understood this Courtney Stodden thing but now I am confused. She is actually, legitimately, (claiming to be) 16?!

        But what state does she live in that her marriage is legal? And then, but also, GROSS?!

        For some reason I thought she was NOW 18, and that what’s-his-fuck just, like, “fell in love” with her when she was 16?!

        I AM HORRIFIED AND CONFUSED AND SAD AND SO IT IS.

        • I’m not really sure what age she’s claiming to be. I’m pretty sure it’s not accurate, though. Like she’s supposed to be 18 now or something. Honestly, I don’t care enough to investigate further.

        • I also thought she was 18, but anyway I am pretty sure she was married at 16 or at least before she turned 18. Minors can get married to adults with a parent’s permission I beleive.

      • I can’t believe I just looked it up, because gross, but yeah Wikipedia has her birthdate and she’s 18. She was 16 when she married that guy from The Green Mile, however.

  2. In the spirit of ending things with “and so it is” I will now be ending things, such as emails, with “and as it is such, so also as such is it unto you.”

    Hi Bob,

    I will get the files to you once I complete them.

    And as it is such, so also as such is it unto you,
    saturnian

  3. Ugggh, I just can’t, today. So here’s a picture of a pallas kitten:

  4. Speaking of pizza drones and boob jobs, wouldn’t it be great if there were boob job drones? Only instead of coming by and delivering new boobs, they would just take out people who want boob jobs (esp people who already have large boobs).

    • Hahaha boob drones

    • Not to get all political here, but women have the right to get boob jobs or whatever surgery they want and we shouldn’t always blame unreasonable societal expectations for plastic surgeries or treat them as some kind of indicator of moral bankruptcy, especially when a lot of the time the mental health of a person will greatly improve after certain kinds of cosmetic surgeries. And that surgeries for trans-people are often deemed medically necessary for the person to continue living with any kind of reasonable quality of life.

      Blah blah blah sorry I just felt like I had to say it and I promise I am not questioning your dedication to progressive social-mindedness I’m sorry I’m sorry.

      REMEMBER THAT TIME MY BOSS SAID I WAS DONNIE DOWNER.

      • Addendum: Men also have the right to get boob jobs if they want.

      • You’re very right and I have no real defense about this joke against this response except to say that it should probably just be limited to Courtney Stodden?

      • Counterpoint: Ladies, please don’t get unnecessary boob jobs. Literally every single dude I’ve ever known who likes boob jobs is a creep who you’re better off without.*

        *yes, I know that it’s not all about dudes, but I’m pretty sure that most of those boob jobs are tied into a perceived increase in desirability, so…real talk

        • Countercounterpoint: people should be happy with their bodies with or without surgery, just, like, in general.

          • Yes, of course. I just find it difficult to reconcile the idea that people should be happy with their bodies with the idea that they should undergo surgery because they’re unhappy with their bodies.

            I know that there are sometimes psychological benefits to cosmetic surgery, but using surgery to effect those benefits seems like a potentially slippery slope of a situation. I’m just not comfortable with the line of thought that says “if only this one thing about me were different then I can like myself.”

          • Remember cosmetic surgery is still surgery, so there’s a small chance you might die. That should be a big deterrent.

        • I don’t know if that’s true. The women I know (very good empirical evidence, I know…) who have boob jobs got them because they were flat chested and they felt uncomfortable that they couldn’t fit right in clothes. They never mentioned desirability.

          That’s not to say that that wish wasn’t latently there. I’m sure a LOT of people get boob jobs because they want to be more desirable.

          I just don’t think it is a fair assumption to make.

          • Because their clothes don’t fit? Sorry, but that’s a bullshit reason. A person who thinks it’s more reasonable to surgically alter their body to make their clothes fit better rather than altering their clothes at the tailor has their priorities completely jacked up. An acquaintance of mine gave me the same silly reason, and I couldn’t help but wonder if she had her nose done too because her sunglasses didn’t sit quite right on her face.

          • It’s much easier to find flattering clothes if you have small breasts. Catwalk models are usually small breasted; because clothes hang much better if you don’t have big cans getting in the way. I used to have small ones and now have big ones (thanks for nothing, childbirth) and there are loads of clothes that just look nuts with big breasts. So I agree that it’s a nonsense reason.

            Plastic surgery is a tricky one from a feminist perspective – yes, people should be given the choice and not judged for their choices, but then again surgically altering your body to fit a cliched notion of beauty is pretty problematic too. However you feel about it, it’s hard to deny that Courtney Stodden is in a pretty bad way. Gabe’s prediction is pretty spot on, although five years seems optimistic.

      • Yes, but I think the point here is that if she’s getting a breast job because it makes her feel better or genuinely makes her happy, then sure get all the boob jobs your little heart desires and lower back supports.

        However, if she’s augmenting herself in an attempt to extend her 15 minutes of fame, then that is troubling.

  5. Her business card reads:

    Courtney Stodden
    American Bimbo

    cel: wait, don’t you mean my iPhone?
    fax: what? you mean my email?

  6. I think if Courtney was reading Drag Queens for Dummies her outfits and makeup would be a little bit better.

  7. According to that E article (and a Google search) she’s actually (allegedly) 18. Which doesn’t reallllly change much, but still.

  8. Hi Videogummers! I used to comment all the time and then I quit cause I got a new job. And then I forgot my password. And then I figured out you could reset your password. And that brings us to today.

    Anyway, Videogum is the best and I missed it and a post about Courtney Stodden’s nightmare boobs seemed as good a time as any to jump back in.

  9. nope. I would do anything for love (schtick) but I won’t do that (comment under facebook connect, lest I end up on a watch list)

  10. Just realized my Halloween costume this year is going to be Johnny Depp with a Pizza Drone on his head.

  11. on the e link there’s a few pictures of her shot through a window acting natural wearing only a thong. at first i was all “that’s not natural! no one runs around their house in their panties like that!” and then i immediately did my laundry in front of a bunch of massive windows in my underwear with a towel wrapped around my head. the only difference between courtney stodden and i is i’m wearing grannie panties (with a tampon string hanging out to boot!!!!! you know, because i don’t have to worry about paparazzo)

    • I thought the same thing, then I immediately went to the bank wearing only socks (on my hands). It turns out they don’t sell tomato paste!

      • Try feeding one of the socks into the ATM and yelling incoherent threats at a passerby. Apparently that works, though it might take all day.

  12. How do they pay for anything?

  13. But Gabe can you see why kids love cinnamon toast crunch?

  14. I doubt she will make it 5 years. She will fall into depressed isolation in less than 2 when her husband is caught cheating on her with a younger woman.

    Gross.

    I’m so sorry.

  15. The source link (and the nightmare gallery that goes with it) mentions that Courtney and Doug have a dog named “Dourtney”. Let that sink in for a minute.

  16. Bigger boobs?

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