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The Hills ended last Sunday with a one hour finale in which Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt were married, Lauren Conrad “quit” her “job,” and Kristen Cavallari showed up as if somehow we were supposed to believe that was a surprise when in fact we have all known for months that she was taking over for Lauren when Lauren quit because MTV refuses to let a sleeping dog fucking die, and who is Kristen Cavallari anyway? She looks like a jerk! Although the show will be coming back for another season this fall, because America baby gets what America baby wants, I will not be watching. I’m all for bad television that surprises me and makes me laugh, but I don’t want to be dragged along on a turgid death march through the Starbucks-cup-littered wastes of our nation’s slow decline into communal narcissistic affective disorder.

And so, too, have I discovered over the course of the past week that just as whatever the original pull that The Hills might have had on me as a viewer has completely given way to a knotted stomach self-loathing for the empty wasted hours watching meaningless silent gazes and half-finished sentences about brunch, so too has the feigned interest and false importance that I granted to the show’s stars dissipated into a frustrated agony that they’ve pushed through some kind of Malcolm Gladwellian “tipping point,” into a realm where their non-existent “celebrity” is nevertheless self-sustaining, a perpetual motion machine of thoughtless media attention for no larger purpose than to distract; a low-level Schadenfreude that doesn’t even provide the sour satisfaction that Schadenfreude should.

My point is who fucking cares about these assholes anymore?

All of this comes to a head today as two separate Hills related items gained traction in the blogopolis. First, Audrina Patridge has been hired as a spokesperson for Carl’s Jr., following in the footsteps of such other incredibly famous and important people as Paris Hilton and Padma Lakshmi. That barely even makes any sense! Audrina Patridge doesn’t eat human food anymore, she just has silicone gel refueling cells inserted into her breasts. And is that really how Americans buy food now? If they see it in the hand of a mentally vacuous SUPPORTING CHARACTER from a basic cable reality show for children?

Of course, earlier this week there were endless reports of Heidi and Spencer’s inglorious disappearance from I’m a Celebrity (No You’re Not) Get Me Out of Here, and the fact that it was (obviously) a publicity stunt, and that they’re going to be back, and seriously fucking blow my brains out.

Meanwhile, a few months ago, in some sort of celebrity magazine photo spread, Jonah Hill “impersonated” Spencer Pratt as a joke. And today, Spencer Pratt responds. SPOILER ALERT: Spencer Pratt is an unfunny asshole with his head shoved so far up his own ass that he’s a human Popple.

Really? Really, you goat-faced fucking embarrassment to your family? I would tell you to drop dead, but I’m sure you’d figure out a way to Google yourself from heaven, and the 10-15 resultant new blog posts would only make you that much happier. Success!

So, goodbye to all of these miserable garbage clowns. For real now. I can’t do it anymore. I’m not saying that I will never write about Heidi or Spencer or Audrina or Lauren again (although I will definitely never write about Lo again, because writing about Lo is like writing about paint dry), but mostly I won’t write about them again. I refuse to be part of the broken system that allows them to make more money than policemen or firefighters or school teachers while simultaneously TAKING AWAY from the general well-being of society.

I recognize that I was part of the problem. But I’m not anymore. Not that I’m part of the solution. I can’t be. The solution is in their hands, always has been.

Comments (29)
  1. chickchick  |   Posted on Jun 5th, 2009 +9

    i don’t know how you survived for this long, man. hopefully soon everyone else will get the rotten cock that is The Hills out of their mouths, too.

  2. oh wow this is so funny, hahahaha ha ha ha .i cant stop laughing, He’s eating tons of food and wearing padding to look bigger, its funny because Jonah Hill is chubby, get it??! GET IT?!

    oh and the best part is right before he’s doing that one fat joke that was right after that other fat joke, he actually basically SPELLS IT OUT that he is supposed to be Jonah Hill and that he is fat, just in case you missed it.

    I’m glad Spencer was kind enough to open our eyes to the fact that Jonah Hill is overweight, omg who knew? GOOD ONE SPENCE

    • Oh, is that what that was about? That was actually pretty subtle and interesting commentary now that I get it. I hope next time he takes on Kirstie Alley’s enjoyment of free root beer floats.

  3. If this wasn’t the interwebs I would begin clapping slowly as fellow member of the audience began to join into what would become raucous applause.

    Oh, well.

  4. That One  |   Posted on Jun 5th, 2009 +4

    I’m proud of you, Gabe. May you enjoy your newly found freedom. Earn this…

  5. yomomma  |   Posted on Jun 5th, 2009 -1

    AKA Flesh-Colored Beard.

  6. Is she even pretending to eat that burger? It looks like she’s just putting it next to her mouth and turning her head away.

  7. Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see

  8. MarlaHooch  |   Posted on Jun 5th, 2009 +4

    I was similiarly confused about this Kristen Cavalleri. I never watched Laguna Beach (not because I’m some great arbiter of taste, I just hate “meaningless silent gazes and half-finished sentences about brunch” as much as you do) or The Hills for that matter (see previous). But about a year ago I was watching Veronica Mars and there was an actress on there who’s performance was so distractingly bad and so wildly off-tone from her character and the rest of the episode that I KNEW it had to be some form of gimmick casting and, after searching IMDb, it turns out it was Kristen Cavalleri.

    So, congratulations, girl. I’m glad you’ve gone back to playing the half-realized nightmare that is yourself. I raise you a half-filled glass of mediocrity.

  9. Question: am I supposed to draw any inferences about the burger from Audrina’s fake breasts?

    • Casey  |   Posted on Jun 5th, 2009 +2

      Answer: biting a Carl’s Jr. hamburger is as sexually gratifying as sinking your teeth into her plastic bewbz.

  10. I don’t hate Spencer. He was a real life troll to the worst people to ever appear on television. He brought the show down -not by accident- and we can all agree that show is awful and we hate ourselves for watching it. Guy might have done us a favor. I’m not saying give him a medal. But I guess I’m saying that in this case, two wrongs make a not-the-worst.

  11. ModernMANdroid  |   Posted on Jun 5th, 2009 +4

    Thanks for finally waking up and ending your passive support for this show my mocking it on a huge platform. Watching these shows ‘ironically’ is like taking oxycodone ‘ironically.’
    N O M O R E !!!

  12. Well you’ve admitted you had a problem. Can you please now make a documentary about the rest of your twelve step recovery?

  13. Gabe, since you didn’t mention Brody Jenner, I trust that you will be watching and reporting on the inevitable second season of “Bromance.” (crosses fingers)

  14. Spend some time on Wikipedia and you’ll see that Jonah Hill and Spencer Pratt went to the same high school. At the same time. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Crossroads_School_(Santa_Monica)#Notable_alumni

  15. brendan  |   Posted on Jun 6th, 2009 +2

    like all addicts, you will relapse…

  16. Joseph  |   Posted on Jun 6th, 2009 +1

    During the course of my job this week, I accidentally learned how much money two of those people are paid per episode, and it made me want to cry.

  17. I hate to defend Pratt in any way, but he pretty well pegged Jonah Hill’s voice. I mean his literal voice, not his comedic voice. The only remotely funny think about the video was the song choice.

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