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I hate Gwyneth Paltrow. As far as I’m concerned she’s the aging bourgeois equivalent of Heidi and Spencer. Self-satisfied, detached from the world outside of her “clean” bubble, outrageously entitled, and overly confident in her planetary value. One could argue that she has a certain modicum of talent, which would instantly make the comparison to Heidi and Spencer inapt, but in reality she was born to a family of Hollywood royalty. I’m not saying she doesn’t bring anything to the acting table, I’m just saying her seat was reserved. And as far as her extra-curricular activities go, namely her lifestyle website built around her innate ability to give advice to people with equally vast amounts of wealth and leisure time on how to spend/use it, that’s just gross. To carry on with this comparison, Goop is to the internet as Spencer Pratt’s rap career is to rap: a blind, tone-deaf, ego-driven offense to the medium.

But all of this has gotten rather abstract. After Paltrow’s “triumphant” return to the big screen last year with Iron Man, her place in the media has mainly comprised self-made email newsletters about mid-century bathroom fixtures or tips from her over-priced private pilates instructor, and interviews with gossip magazines about said email newsletters. Perhaps Gwyneth just looks (really, really) bad on paper. Perhaps in person she is much more charming and tolerable.

Nope.

She appeared on the Tonight Show with Conan O’Brien last night, for some reason? She wasn’t promoting anything. Just chillin’. I feel like when you call Gwyneth Paltrow up and ask her what she’s doing, she sets the flute of champagne down next to the marble-lined indoor lap pool and says “just chillin’.”

Anyway, this woman is fucking awful.

Part One:

OK, well just right off the bat can we please stop the tape when Gwyneth first sits down?

Did she literally rub her legs in canola oil? (SPOILER ALERT: yes.)

Enhance.

Enhance.

\

Gross.

I know that “cute” stories about kids is a staple of the terrible talk show guest, but for some reason Gwyneth’s stories are so much more unbearable.

“How cool is this house?”
“Very cool.”

Did you know that Gwyneth Paltrow doesn’t even know what she does for a living? This guy totally relates to what she’s saying:

Part Two:

Ugh! Right, Gwyneth. Your movies have always been much more arty. I’ll never forget the neohumanism of Shallow Hal, or the touching quotidian mundanity of Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow. You’re like fucking Werner Herzog over there, if Werner Herzog was in DUETS!

I hope Conan enjoyed his free exercise tip care of Gwyneth’s friend and personal trainer, Tracy Anderson. Maybe he’d like to join the gym the two of them opened in Tribeca. It only costs “like $4,500 to join and then hundreds of dollars a month.” Because that’s a price that makes sense to pay for something like that.

Maybe next time her friends ask her WHERE TO GO IN BARCELONA she can dip into her Scrooge McDuck vault of gold and offer them 10 dollars to BUY A TRAVEL GUIDE and SPARE THE REST OF US.

The worst woman.

Comments (58)
  1. Her legs look they were built in a cave. With scraps.

  2. She did Shakespeare in Love and Emma, so she can’t be all bad – though it could be argued that she just played herself in both roles: a centuries old blue-blood who judges those beneath her and/or falls for an artist from the wrong side of the tracks.

    that said, is anyone else constantly surprised she’s not British… it’s a new revelation every time I hear her speak.

  3. Nothing clever. She’s just completely and utterly terrible.

  4. Gabe, you are the best.

    I watched this last night and was so grossed out by her. She mentioned at least twice that her kids call Jay-Z “Uncle Jay” and that he is a family friend. WE GET IT GWYNETH! Your life is effing glorious and you believe you have street cred. This just in, your husband looks like a Revolutionary War Minute Man reject. I wish celebrities would just understand that just because your job is “awesome” does not make you particularly unique, it just makes your job unique. I’m gonna go back to the children I teach and watch them eat white foods not featured on GOOP. Shudder Gwyneth!

  5. When I was watching this last night I kept thinking that Gabe was going to have a field day tomorrow.

  6. The picture for the post is exactly everything that Gwyneth embodies…a stick in the ass. I shuddered when she called Jay-Z “Uncle Jay” STOP IT. YOU STOP THAT RIGHT NOW.

  7. Chadsky  |   Posted on Jun 5th, 2009 +4

    Sorry, I couldn’t finish watching those.

  8. at least Joel McHale made up for this tramp

    • Agreed. It was quite the dichotomy of the worst and then the best.

    • leenie  |   Posted on Jun 5th, 2009 +8

      the best part (worst part) of his interview was when he mentioned how his 4 yr old got naked in the bath tub with a woman and told her to spread her legs. what? is that a normal/ok thing?

  9. I tried really hard to like her in this interview, I was all full of goodwill for some reason. She did alright, all things considered. She was a good sport. She giggled at the right times. But yeah, those cringe-worthy moments as Gabe pointed out “how cool is this house?” and when she claimed to have been broke and that’s why she did Iron Man it’s just like um hello bitch HOW FUCKING OUT OF TOUCH ARE YOU. She’s terrible, but I sort of feel like it’s not entirely her fault, or she doesn’t mean it, or something.

  10. Oh Gabe. You know, grass isn’t always greener, no matter how much fertilizer you have.

  11. more like gwyneth MALtrow

  12. Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see

  13. Yaya  |   Posted on Jun 5th, 2009 -28

    Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see

    • This doesn’t even make sense. I have plenty of hatred to go around for all the entitled rich people I know. That’s what being poor is all about–recognizing the awful in every rich person.

  14. steve  |   Posted on Jun 5th, 2009 +24

    Thats not canola oil. Its salad dressing. It gives a better sheen.

  15. gabe, your enhance, enhance, enhance gag tells me you just might be a blade runner nerd. if that’s the case, please educate lindsay on who joanna cassidy is/was

  16. Her friends call her GP and are required to walk five paces behind her in public.

  17. I think this interview would have been more successful if the ratio of Gwyneth Paltrow saying words to Conan talking about his naked backside had been dramatically different. In the words of President Obama, OH, WELL.

    P.S. This is definitely another candidate for the How Long Can You Watch This Before Stopping and/or Spooning Your Eyes Right Out of Their Sockets segment on Videogum. (HLCYWTBSSYEROTS for short)

  18. The fact that her kids call Jay Z “Uncle Jay Z” is the worst. I threw up my champagne and hor’ dourves when she said that shit.

  19. Did anyone else accidentally fall on the gouge-out-your-own-eyes wreck of Great Expectations? Ugh. Times a million.

  20. njoy  |   Posted on Jun 5th, 2009 +11

    I kind of wish she had spread the canola oil on the top part of her legs too. and her arms. and her face. I have had too much cough medicine today.

  21. the greased up leg photos are as far as i needed to go to understand and agree with your point of view.

  22. Goop is also what she rubs on her legs. Zing!

  23. Jimpa  |   Posted on Jun 5th, 2009 +12

    If you look even closer at her legs, you’ll see a baby seal trying to escape the oil slicks. :o

  24. chip whitley  |   Posted on Jun 6th, 2009 +6

    I agree with everything that was written about this interview but one big thing seems to have been missed entirely: she checked how she looked on camera a thousand times, while conan was talking to her. It’s pretty obvious when celebrities do this on talk shows because they have to look off toward some monitor in the studio and she did this over and over again. She looked like a deer in the headlights, trying to make sure she had just enough goop on her legs.

  25. priya  |   Posted on Jun 6th, 2009 -4

    dude,
    what’s with all this hate? I can understand making fun of oil dipped legs (which I also found distractingly and not-in-a-good-way shiny) but unlike heidi and spencer who expose their “real” selves onto television, she is foremost an actress and you can’t really judge her as a person from a few interviews. Yeah, the whole website thing seems self-involved but geez man calm it down on the negativity. She’s still a person and you’re still an anonymous blogger completely ranting on someone who you would never say these things to face to face.

  26. Sal  |   Posted on Jun 6th, 2009 +5

    Gabe, sometimes I don’t agree with you, but I always love you again when you post about Gwynnie. The coal miner photo was priceless.

  27. She didn’t rub her legs with canola oil….I did.

  28. Fact: I have disliked Paltrow since I was about 12 when I figured out who the hell she was. My long dislike of her had given me a false sense of superiority, and I hope it will continue to in the future when more bloggers start to talk about how wretched, dull and awful this woman is. Good work Gabe. I officially love this site even more.

  29. wooly bully  |   Posted on Jun 7th, 2009 +3

    i have never thought that much about gwyneth paltrow.

  30. danny mwithavengence  |   Posted on Jun 7th, 2009 -9

    Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see

  31. I’m thnking Paltrow must have left a greasy spot on the couch

  32. Terry's Chocolate Orange  |   Posted on Jun 8th, 2009 0

    i think its really sick that Jay-Z knows Chris Martin knows Gwyneth Paltrow meets somebody that cares.

  33. I like when he says, “We have not scratched the surface.” Like there’s anything beyond the surface. Come on! Did they tell Conan he had to be a complete kissass like Jay in order to take his place? Because I think that’s what’s happening and it frightens me.

  34. That being said, I totally loved her PBS travel series in Spain… mostly because of everyone in the show who wasn’t her.

  35. tory  |   Posted on Jun 9th, 2009 -1

    I think she’s a terrible actress. I really liked “The Talented Mr. Ripley” but even in her small part she made me cringe. The Shakespeare in Love Oscar was just one of those entitlement Oscars. I also think she looks like an albino hamster.

  36. tory  |   Posted on Jun 9th, 2009 -1

    I think she’s a terrible actress. I really liked “The Talented Mr. Ripley” but even in her small part she made me cringe. The “Shakespeare in Love” Oscar was just one of those entitlement Oscars. I also think she looks like an albino hamster.

  37. dd lewis  |   Posted on Jun 9th, 2009 -12

    Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see

  38. Did Gwyneth Paltrow just use the term “aggro” all casually? How did that happen.

  39. i’m obviously really late to the game on this one but i do have to say that as i was watching this FUCKING CARWRECK i did think “oh god she is playing VIDEOGUM BINGO and she doesn’t even know it”.

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