For the second week in a row, the DVD release of Paul Blart: Mall Cop remains on the top of the sales AND rental charts. America is to Paul Blart: Mall Cop DVDs as Kirstie Alley is to root beer floats from Sonic. RUUUUUUUUUUN. Reports the Hollywood Reporter:

The Sony Pictures Home Entertainment comedy, which grossed $146.3 million in U.S. theaters, continued to see heavy action at retail, with its rental activity falling off just 26% from the previous week, according to Home Media Magazine market research.

I don’t know what any of those words mean, but I do know that America is retarded. Have you ever been married for so long that you wake up in bed one morning and look at your spouse and think “who are you?” Me neither, but that is a cliched experience that I have heard of before that seems similar to the experience I am having with America. Who are you, American public? What is wrong with you? Get out of my bed!

Seriously, why is everyone buying Paul Blart: Mall Cop?

“I bought it for my wife as an anniversary present because I’m thoughtful.”

“Nothing helps to ease the stress after a long day at the office like a glass of boxed wine and a hilarious, intelligent comedy.”

“I am learn English by watching popular cinema, dude.”

“My tendency is to enjoy things that were made for 13-year-olds.”

“Me and some of the kids from my UCB class get together on Thursdays and watch stupid comedies, like, ironically.”

Seriously, cut it out, everyone. Economic crisis or something. Stop it.

Comments (31)
  1. I went to prom with a girl I thought I liked.

    First clue it wouldn’t work out well; I went to see Yes Man with her at the second run theater; she thought the trailer looked “hilarious”.

    Second clue: We saw Watchmen, and when I said the Observe and Report trailer looked like an R-Rated Paul Blart, she said “Oh, I love that movie!”

    It really wasn’t a surprise when prom bombed.

  2. ModernMANdroid  |   Posted on Jun 4th, 2009 -13

    Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see

  3. perez hilton is ghost blogging for videogum now.

  4. I love my dad: when Blart was in theatres, every weekend, no matter what else was happening in the world, he’d call me and ask incredulously, “Fuckin’ Paul Blart is STILL doing well?”

  5. I’ll tell you why this movie is so successful: Because Kevin James brings the sexy and drawing porn star ‘taches and disembodied, floating cocks on him only makes him hotter.

  6. How many times has that Black Dahlia chick killed herself over this?

  7. I saw a kid at Krogers the other day begging his mom to buy it for him. When I was his age I was begging my mom for Wet Hot American Summer and Freaks and Geeks. I think that’s abuse to make your child think that PBMC is funny.

  8. I used to work at Blockbuster so this DOES NOT SURPRISE ME. I mean, I once had a woman who fucking WAITED for a HALF HOUR for someone to return a copy of “The Grudge” because we were all rented out. I’ve had to tell people “No, we don’t have anymore copies of Duece Bigalow: European Gigalo left. They are all rented out. You have to wait for Duece Bigalow: European Gigalo to be returned.” And if a new family movie involving a dog was out, then all hell broke lose. “The Shaggy Dog” with Tim Allen was the hottest rental and the hardest one to get a hold of for like a month straight. People are morons and hate both cinema and the money burning a hole in their wallets.

  9. That ucb joke hurts. haha!

  10. My dad is the first guy. He’ll probably buy it for my mom for her birthday though, its coming up before their anniversary.

    Bonus points: He called it Blart Cop: Mall Guy while trying to describe it to me after he saw it it theaters. That is the name of this movie forever.

  11. America is merely DOING ITS PART to encourage future advertisers for the Awl.

  12. Bread and Circuses people, Bread and Circuses.

  13. i’m going to go ahead and guess that the 13 year old kid is the best guess, as this was a movie that was made for 13 year old kids.

  14. Josh Rosen  |   Posted on Jun 4th, 2009 +9

    I think there’s just something terribly sexy about a super cop who’s built like my great uncle Reuben…

  15. Murphy Brown  |   Posted on Jun 4th, 2009 +10

    I was at the grocery store yesterday and decided to RebBox PBMC on a lark. I’m not going to defend it as a movie, because it pretty much undefendable, but it does deliver exactly what it promises: thoughtless entertainment (emphasis on the former). Nevertheless, not everyone wants to come home after a hard day in the poop mines and put in “The Time of the Wolf” to relax. Just sayin’, that doesn’t make America stupid- lazy maybe, but not stupid.

    After all, we can’t all live in the haute monde world of internet blogging.

  16. God, that damn clown scares me.

    Damn you Tim Curry. You frightening bastard.

  17. Paul Blart was my inflight movie as I flew from Chicago to Seattle yesterday. :| :| :|

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